Ok, now I've heard of everything.
Here's a piece I first read in Fortune and then found online at their site on a guy who's a pet acupuncturist (subscription required). Yep, you got that right. I know hard to believe.
Here's the scoop:
I'm a veterinarian, and I had the same skepticism about acupuncture that anyone would have. But then I began to see the results. Acupuncture can be an alternative when an animal can't take pain killers, or has a slipped disc or arthritis. People come back and comment on how their pets are jumping up on the couch again. They're playing with toys they haven't played with. I treat mainly dogs and occasionally cats. I've treated rabbits, and I treated a ferret and an iguana once. Most animals are very accepting. Sometimes we'll feed them little treats, and they just chow out and totally forget what you're doing. There are several methods of acupuncture. Sometimes we attach electrical stimulation to the needle. If the animals show no improvement in three to six treatments, we don't continue. If they do, we treat them weekly until the effects last from week to week. I've been treating one pet for nine years. I really feel I've made a difference in many of my patients' lives. And when I say patients, I'm talking not just about the four-legged ones. The sessions can be extremely rewarding. The pet is relaxing, the owners feel as if they're doing something for the animal, and you're helping the animal heal itself. It's a very good feeling.
I don't know where to start on this piece. I mean, it's just too easy. I guess I'll just dive in:
"I'm a veterinarian, and I had the same skepticism about acupuncture that anyone would have. But then I began to see the results."
Translation: "I thought it was wacky, but when I realized that people would pay me outrageous sums of money for poking needles in their pets, I changed my mind. (Especially as I began to see results in my bank account.)"
"I treat mainly dogs and occasionally cats. I've treated rabbits, and I treated a ferret and an iguana once."
Is this funny to anyone but me? Can you envision him treating a ferret or an iguana with acupuncture? What's next, a fish?
"Sometimes we'll feed them little treats, and they just chow out and totally forget what you're doing."
Hidden quote: "I really love this because I can charge $7.50 per treat. If I keep shoveling them in, a big dog can eat six or seven before he gets so bloated that he can't eat any more. But I don't care since I can then charge for treating him for indigestion."
"Sometimes we attach electrical stimulation to the needle."
I would PAY to see him use needles with electrical stimulation on a ferret or an iguana. Especially the ferret. Can you say, "attack, ferret?"
"If the animals show no improvement in three to six treatments, we don't continue."
Hidden quote: "By then I've already gotten enough out of the owner to pay for a new bass boat."
"If they do, we treat them weekly until the effects last from week to week."
Hidden quote: "This presents me with a better source of recurring income than any investment vehicle ever could."
"I've been treating one pet for nine years."
Hidden quote: "I have a 4-story wing built on to my house named in this pet's honor."
"I really feel I've made a difference in many of my patients' lives. And when I say patients, I'm talking not just about the four-legged ones."
Hidden quote: "For instance, one guy used to be fairly well-off. Then he started seeing me, and I've reduced his bank accounts to rabbit fodder and now he's the one eating pet food. Yep, I've certainly made a difference to him."
"The sessions can be extremely rewarding."
Hidden quote: "In fact, they're so rewarding that I can buy a compact car or two from the payments due on three or four treatments."
Ok, I've had my fun, but I just couldn't help myself. This seems so ridiculous. I know, someone will probably comment on how their pet's life was changed by acupuncture and berate me, but I still couldn't help being a smart-aleck on this one. It was just too easy.
To end, I have a couple lists for you. The first is a short list of pet services/products I won't be surprised to find after reading this piece:
- Doggie cosmetic surgery
- Kitty Viagra (made from the glands of rabbits, of course)
- Pet health clubs
- Psychiatric help to get snakes over their need to eat poor little mice]
- Blog services aimed at birds telling their stories of flight and the atrocities of "the cage"
- Pet financial management (now there's one I could be into, if you know what I mean $$$$$$$$$)
Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments below.
Here's the last list -- a list of posts I've written on pets and the costs of them. If you're going to have to pay for acupuncture and who knows what else, the costs can really add up. Read these for more info:
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