Here's part 4 of our series on a Kiplinger's piece on money matters and friends. The issue for the day from Kiplinger's:
Problem: Your well-off friend insists on buying everything for you.
Solution: This may not seem like a problem, but after a while you may start to feel like you don't contribute to the friendship. Look for non-financial ways to reciprocate, such as treating your friend to a home-cooked meal, or cat-sitting when he or she goes out of town.
And the issue is????????? ;-)
Ok, seriously, this may be an extreme case, but what most people face is a more common, related issue I have.
I have a friend that insists on paying for everything: stops at fast food places, gas on a night out, sodas at a game, meals out, etc. He does well financially, but I do ok too, so it's not a case of either of us not being able to afford such things. But to me, it feels like I am taking advantage of him a bit -- though that's not my intent.
So what do I do? I have to make a conscious effort to volunteer to buy. I say something like, "You always buy -- let me get this one." He's usually ok with that and lets me. And while I still don't pull my fair share of the weight, at least it's closer to being equal.
I do like Kiplinger's suggestions above -- maybe I'll use some of them.
What are your thoughts on this issue? How do you handle it?
Usually when people do that, it is because they really want to go someplace with you but don't want to make it a burden on you, so they pay for you so that you can go with them. So unless it's some kind of pathological condition, or you feel indebted to them or they are getting themselves into debt on your account, then I would not get worked up over it. And who says that your friend has to do all the scheduling? You can pick a place that you can afford, and tell them at the beginning of the meal that it's your treat. I think that Kiplinger's suggestions about non-financial ways to treat them is a little like you are working for your meals - I wouldn't jump all over my friend to let me cat-sit unless it was something that we did for each other.
I think I have a touch of that bug though, since I really love buying presents for people or bringing them home "a little something" to the point that in college my boyfriend started gaining weight. And it's never about being even, and I don't expect others to give things to me, I just like to do it because I like to see them be happy. Hell, half the time I would prefer that they not know who gave it to them!
Posted by: Kira | June 20, 2006 at 09:10 AM
I'm on the opposite end of this situation, I think. But in my case I tend to think of it kind of in terms of karmic repayment. The same friend, during the 4 years I spent perpetually broke and often near-suicidally depressed, helped me out immensely, with both money and time that she couldn't necessarily afford. Now that I've put my life back together and am making money like crazy (and financially, she's frankly not doing so well), it's just fair for me to pay for stuff.
Posted by: Matt | July 27, 2006 at 04:16 AM
How about your wealthy friend who thinks everyone else is obliged to pay for him? I've known this guy for a long time and it's always painful - I've had to say things like: 'people keep money on them to pay for drinks or cigarettes' numerous times. In his mind, wealthy people don't carry cash & everyone else has the obligation to pick up the tab. When I explain that I know no wealthy old men who would ever let me pay for lunch, it makes no impression. He's expensive as a friend and haughty about having a well-off family at the same time. He's a charmer outside of this screwed up take on the world's obligation to make him richer one drink/smoke/lunch/dinner/etc at a time.
Posted by: missy | September 20, 2007 at 06:02 PM
What is even more awkward is the wealthy friend who always wants to go out, but doesn't pay. You end up turning them down all the time because you can't keep up with thier lifestyle.
Posted by: Ryan | September 21, 2007 at 11:43 AM