Planning for Retirement in a Post-Apocalyptic World

Today in celebration of April Fools Day I'll be featuring some personal finance stories that are less-than-true (translation: they're made up), but offer a humorous take on some of the money issues we all face. The following is a guest post from FMF reader, and humor writer extraordinaire, Kev at Special Kind of Stupid.

Worried you will not have enough money for retirement? Your worry may be unnecessary. In a recently released study, researchers at The SKOS Institute predict money will have no real value by the time many of us reach retirement age.

“What most people do not realize is society in the future will be very different than it is today,” remarked Gene Shallot, who was the lead researcher in the study.

“The balance in your bank account isn’t going to matter. Your being able to balance finding food and shelter, and avoiding those d*mn, dirty apes is what will matter.”

After seven years of intense research, Shallot and his colleagues formulated a series of scenarios for the future of mankind. In each, money did not play a significant role in a healthy retirement.

“A world ruled by evil, talking ape overlords was one scenario,” noted researcher Roger Ebert. “Another scenario involves the polar ice caps melting and most of the Earth being underwater. Another is a post-apocalyptic America without a government.

“In that one, the hope of mankind will rest on the shoulders of an unlikely hero carrying a bag of mail, who will look a lot like Kevin Costner.”

What role, if any, money will play in the future depends on the scenario.

“If we’re talking about a future where the earth is underwater, paper will be very hard to come by,” said Shallot. “In that scenario, money will have all sorts of handy uses.

“But otherwise, all money will really be good for is kindling for fire and giving apes paper cuts.”

Ultimately, the Institute concluded the key to a healthy, long retirement is diversification. The old adage, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” holds true even in a post-apocalyptic society.

“You need to plan for every possible outcome,” explained researcher Jay Sherman.

“If the Earth is going to be underwater, you need to learn how to swim. If you already know how to swim, begin saving dirt in airtight jars. Dirt will be very valuable in a water-filled society.

“To prepare for a future ruled by apes, go to the zoo every weekend and befriend the monkeys. Feed them bananas. You will be thankful to have them as allies when the apes eventually rise to power.

“And to prepare for a government-less America with a Postman in charge… well, I’m not exactly sure how you can prepare for that one. Buy stamps maybe?”

Comments

[kev]

Call me biased, but this is the funniest thing ever written on this or any other planet. Even Jupiter.

[snow_drops]

These April Fools' posts are hilarious! I can't stop laughing. Keep 'em coming! ^_^

[db]

UHHH --- I was heading to the comments section to leave a nasty rant and then I realized this is an April Foolsy...

I hope it's an April Foolsy...

[Foobarista]

Actually, the converse is more complex. In a "Diamond Age", lots of assumptions get really complicated. What if life-extension treatments raise the life expectancy to 150? 1000?

And the "Diamond Age" scenarios are actually more likely than the "apocalypse" scenarios - and the SS & Medicare crises are the sorts of things that happen in a "Diamond Age Crisis".

So many people are busily buying guns & gold, and wondering whether Peak Oil, Global Warming, or the Yellowstone supervolcano will kill them. It would be ironic if they end up having to spend 100 years working at McDonald's because they don't have enough retirement savings...