Help a Reader: Expectations

Here's a recent question left by a reader:

As a bride in the middle of planning her wedding (which admittedly is going to be ridiculously expensive) one thing that I don't think has been addressed on this site is EXPECTATIONS. Meaning, how does a budget-minded bride keep wedding costs low while satisfying the expectations of family (namely parents) who have ALSO been waiting for this day for years and years and understandably have their own set of expectations for the day?

Personally, I'd tell them it was my day and they need to get over it (in a kind way, of course.)

What would you recommend for her?

Comments

[Kimberly]

Anyone who expects a certain element for the wedding can pay for it.

[Seth]

Are you kidding me? Is this a real question from an adult? Substitute "car", "boat", "house", etc. for wedding and this question is just plain absurd. There are two options here:

1. Be an adult and realize that the wedding is for you and that you need to do something you can afford. Then tell your parents that if they don't like your wedding...

2. Tell your parents to cough up the dough and not complain about the cost.

Don't go in debt for a wedding because if you do and the marriage does not last, you will be paying for a wedding when you are divorced or separated.

[MelMoitzen]

Like it or not--while it's your day, the bottom line is that whoever pays for all or a substantial chunk of your wedding should be given the courtesy of having their input (expectations) heard and given serious consideration. Besides the fact that a lot of parents aren't as flush with cash as they were 50 years ago, that's one reason why so many brides and grooms pay for their own weddings--to avoid this situation.

If your parents were to give you, say, $50,000 as a wedding gift with no restrictions--then you have no obligation to meet anyone's expectations except your own. If it suits you, get your blood tests, go to City Hall, and put the remaining $49,900 down as a downpayment on a house.

But if they were to give you $50,000 and specifically designate some or all of it for the wedding--frankly you have a moral obligation to meet at least some of their expectations.

All that having been said--in the end, the only "expectation" I would feel obligated to honor for someone paying for a substantial chunk of my wedding would be to invite the guests they wish to have present (assuming you don't find their specific presence to be objectionable--that's something you should never be putting up with on your wedding day). Everything else about the day remains yours.

[MelMoitzen]

The bride didn't specify whether her parents were giving her money or not.

But as the parent of a potential bride and a potential groom in the future--it would be very nervy of me to have any sort of expectations for what their weddings should be if I wasn't covering a substantial part of its cost.

[dogatemyfinances]

As always, it depends. If mom expects it to be in the church instead of the gardens you love, tough. If mom wants to invite all her sisters, I would take that cost just to avoid the long-term strife. The all-about-me response is short-sighting, and it's just wrong because weddings matter DEEPLY to a whole lot more people.

[Walden]

Wow, I'm so excited to see my comment up here! Maybe a little more info would help - my parents have given me a large chunk of money (from an account they started when I was born - it also paid for college, thanks Mom and Dad!) to spend on the wedding, and whatever is left over is mine to do whatever I want with. The problem I'm having (and I do realize that it's a good problem to have) is that my inclination is to be more thrifty, but when I tell my parents these ideas, they don't fit with what their expectations are. For example, I wanted to use our reception DJ (who gave us a great deal) for the ceremony as well. But its important to my mom that we hire a live musician or trio for the ceremony, which will be an additional cost. I'd like to find a solution that leaves everyone happy while not spending ALL this money. So, do I choose a couple key areas to spend more on that are important to them, or does the fact that it is their money trump everything else?

[Richard]

Depends who's footing the bill and how insane family members are. :-)

The person footing the bill should likely be the one making the final decisions. The bride should typically be next in the line of command.

And grooms, my advice is to only give advice when asked for it by your fiance. When asked, finish everything with 'if you like it that way too'.

(This of course depends on the couple and other circumstances.)

[Cynthia]

I got married 11 months ago. Our parents have passed on so we did the wedding out of our own budgets.

I learned alot.

Shop around. You often can get what you want at a very good price if you are willing to shop around for it. An example was musicians. I was able to find a band for both the wedding and reception for $500 - and they were great! They came from a friends church - they aren't a regular wedding band, so they had excellent skills but not an expensive price tag.

We had silk flowers. This allowed us to start the flowers months in advance, go to LA to find them and they looked so real that bees were landing on them! I also found someone that had great talent to do this.

So.....I would say do your best to meet your own expectations - especially if you are footing the bill!

[Farmwife]

Honestly -- I would simply say that I would prefer all extra money to be donated to my favorite charity rather than to be spent on a lavish wedding.

Take it from someone who has been married nearly 20 years -- and whose wedding cost $35 total -- what you spend makes noooo difference at all in the long run.

[Charlotte]

The thing is, dogatemyfinances is right. While it is ultimately the day of the bride and groom, it's a big day for the parents as well. I think it's a matter of balance. Saving money is great and important, and staying out of wedding-debt is absolutely necessary. However, I would personally spend a LITTLE more here and there for the sake of family harmony and good memories.

I got married a year ago, and we were able to have a nice, relaxed, fun event for around $7,000 (and both my husband and I are from big families, so that's saying something). We probably could have done it for a thousand or so less, but there were some elements that were really important to some of our family members, but not so important to me or my husband. We went ahead and added those elements, and the result was that everyone was satisfied, and I have nothing but good memories of my wedding and the festivities associated with it.

I know that a thousand dollars is quite a bit of money. Still, to me, having such a great experience was worth the extra amount.

I had a very low budget wedding but I can understand this question. My parents offered to pay for a big wedding but I would have been uncomfortable with that so I said no. If your family is expecting certain things and you are comfortable with it and they are paying for it, then go along with it. Some budget ideas:

-order flowers wholesale and arrange them yourself
-find a friend who can sing/play at the ceremony at a reduced cost or free
-get invitations printed at a print shop on fancy card stock
-get a dress at david's bridal for $99, or wear a family members dress
-limit the number of attendants
-make your own centerpieces and programs

there are many more ideas online. Bottom line is do what you're comfortable with and try to please your family if it's their money and you are ok with it. Don't do something just for them though.

[Lauren]

We just got married two weeks ago and we had the same issues when planning the wedding. My husband is an only child and his mother had enormous expectations for the wedding. His grandmother is a former DC socialite so she also had expectations for what would occur. My parents were the ones paying for the wedding. We made sure we listened to what everyone said (and everyone had a LOT of opinions) and incorporated things we agreed with, but it was OUR day and we did it the way we wanted it to be done. Everyone was happy and had a great time. In the end, people will be so excited to see your union that they won't notice whether there is a string quartet or a DJ. Stick with what YOU want and don't worry about everyone else's expectations.

[Livingalmostlarge]

Depends on whose paying for it period. The post doesn't say it's the parents or couple.

For us, we paid, so we had LAST and ONLY say. My parents offered but I declined because otherwise the wedding would have been my mom's. Not a huge deal but my in-laws didn't want to give us anything for a wedding.

Word for word "if you can't afford to get married, you are too young and immature to get married." So we paid for it 100%.

[Emmilee]

Elope. But invite parents and siblings so they won't be offended.

[Aaron]

Family expectations? I'd tell them (or I should say I DID tell them) to STFU since they aren't paying. If you start you wedding catering to others (not your spouse) when will it stop? What if they expect you to have kids? Or a ranch? Or raise Alpacas? etc. etc. Bottom line; do what you can afford and will make you happy. It's your wedding and your life. Anyone who really cares for you will understand.

[Joel]

I have been to expensive weddings and weddings that the guest had to bring food. You know what I felt more involved when I had to make food for the reception. It was a blessing to the bride and groom and was probably one of the nicest and cheapest weddings I have been to.

[Trish]

I agree with your response. To spend a ton of money to meet someone else's expectations is "keeping up with the Joneses." The sooner you get over that in life, the better off you'll be. If these family members have such high expectations for her wedding, perhaps they should be asked to chip in toward covering the cost of whatever it is they're expecting? If they don't want to do that, then they don't have any right to have any expectations other than an invitation.

At a time when the average wedding was costing people $10K, I had a very nice wedding/reception for $2,600. We actually got more than that in wedding gifts, so we made a profit on our wedding. My uncle was a photographer who did our pictures for free. It was a civil ceremony, so we had the ceremony right in the reception hall (done by another uncle who was a judge). The reception hall covered the food, drinks, flowers for the tables, the cake, and a flowered arch for the ceremony. A friend gave us the wedding invitations as her gift (again, something she did for a business). I had to select the flowers for the bridal party. My sister made the dresses for the girls (she's a talented sewer and the girls loved their dresses). So our biggest expense was the reception hall...and they did a great job. We also had our hors d'oeuvres and main course set up as a buffet...a little odd, I know, but we had lots of kids in the family attending and I wanted to make sure we had food that would please all kinds of appetites. All together, I think we had 20-30 choices. It was a nice, fancy reception hall that offered the option of a buffet which I gladly accepted. The buffet ranged from chicken fingers and fries to more traditional things like roast beef. We got lots of compliments on that buffet. Oh, and I also had to pay for a DJ, but he wasn't very expensive. We had seen these two guys perform at other parties and they did a great job. All in all, the arrangements were pretty stress free for me and everyone had a great time, including me and my husband. We danced the night away! And all of this was done between February (proposal) and August (wedding). Actually, it probably only took me a couple of weeks to get it all organized. My husband's role was taking care of the tuxedos and showing up. I didn't see the tuxedos before the wedding and he didn't see the dresses. It all worked out fine. Looking back on it (16 years later), I'd do it all over again exactly the same way. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole process and was never stressed out.

[Jen]

Being as they have donated money towards the costs, two things come to mind.

1. Sit down with them will all proposed costs. They want a live musician? Here's what it'll cost. Also, have in hand what you'll do with the money you don't spend. Maybe if you put it in these terms - $3000 for a violinist, versus $3000 for a down payment on a house or into a mutual fund, they may change their mind.

2. Offer some choices. If they want A, B, C and D, ask which are the most important. Maybe B and D are very important, but A and C not so much so, and a compromise can be reached.

I have found that sitting down with true figures tends to open eyes. Mom and Dad may not realize the true cost of the things they'd like to see, especially compared with the opportunity cost to what you could otherwise do with the money.

Me, I got married in Vegas. No muss, no fuss, cheap, and a heck of a good time. Highly recommended. =)

[Chris]

Some serious help can be found here:
http://offbeatbride.ning.com
and sometimes here (but they can snark at you):
http://www.indiebride.com

[Jennifer]

When we married 3 years ago, my mom, my fiance and I paid for the wedding, with some help from my fiance's parents towards the honeymoon. I came from a poor family, but my fiance's were a little more financially secure so our medium was to pay for it ourselves with the help of our parents. In the beginning, we shared with all the parents and those who would help plan the wedding what we wanted and expected for the day and asked them their ideas and what they expected. Because we discussed it before we really started planning, everyone was on the same page and my Mom kept saying it is your day, do what you want. Our wedding was planned as a big party to celebrate our love and our nuptials, and cost us just over $6,000, after we set a budget for $5,000. We had several friends who helped with the reception, pictures, music and decorating, and we still have guests telling us it was one of the best weddings they have ever been to and enjoyed themselves so much. My mom's youngest brother even asked her who took out the loan to pay for the wedding and she said no one. He said well someone's in debt! We weren't! We paid for everything as we went along and paid those we had the day of. A cousin asked me how we were able to have our $20,000 wedding, she couldn't believe me when I said we spent a fourth of that. Planning is the key and doing what makes you happy is the lock.