A Couple More Date Questions

After posting on the costs of dating yesterday, I had a couple questions come up that I was wondering about and thought you all might enlighten me since the last time I was out on a non-married date was when John McCain was in diapers.

As a note, these questions are for singles dating -- not meant for married couples going out on dates. Anyway, here's what I was wondering about:

• Who pays/should pay for a date? The man? The woman? Split it? Whoever asks? Or something else?

• If a woman has kids, does a man offer to pick up baby-sitting costs for the kids if he takes her out? (I ask this because this can be a huge part of a date's expense.)

Any wisdom out there on these questions?

Comments

[BigBoy]

When I take my girlfriend out I pay 99.9% of the time since I make more money then she does, she also has a 14 yr old daughter to spend her money on.

Since her daughter is old enough she does not need a sitter, she stays with her father or friends.

[Justin Yost]

To answer the question of who pays for a date in two words: it depends. It depends on who asks who out, what are the expectations and probably most importantly income level. Early on in the dating game, the first couple of dates it is very dependent on the first two. If a girl asks out a guy, typically she will pay depending on each of the parties expectations. For instance currently I'm in Texas a lot of both males and females, feel that the guy should pay for dates. So guess who pays. Once the relationship settles, it then becomes dependent on the income level of each of the parties. The one with more disposable income typically pays for the majority of the dates, and other joint expenses. So, it depends on those three things typically.

[Twenties Money]

I was always bought up with the idea that the man should pay for the date. Baby sitting costs are another story though. Since two people are dating and one of them has a child then why should the man be responsible for costs associated with the care of the child. If anything else, offer to offset the cost of the care.

I've been married for two years now but back when my wife and I dated I used to pick up the tab at the beginning. After a while my wife started offering to pick up the tab herself. She would often call and invite me out, when she invited she offered to pick up the tab. We started swapping shortly after. I'd pick up dinner and she would pick up the movie, the following week she picked up dinner and I picked up the movie.

[MoneyGrubbingLawyer]

S/he who asks, pays. Simple rule, and works well. As I have always been the one doing the asking, I'm also the one who does the paying. And that's just fine with me :).

But paying means the actual costs of the date- tickets, meal, drinks, etc. Associated costs like transportation, babysitting, or clothing don't count! When you're getting in to the realm of paying for those type expenses, I think you're bordering on prostitution ;).

[MasterPo]

When I was young I always paid for the date. That was OK (I suppose) for just dates. But after awhile I felt I was getting taken advantage of. I was paying a lot, not always being treated well or at least politely, and not much in terms of second dates. So after many years I switched to the "lite" date and split check philosophy. I figured a woman willing to do these things was probably more serious about a possible relationship than just looking for a free meal. My first date with my wife we split the check. That was a plus in her favor. ;-)

[Anne]

"I'd like to take you to dinner" means "I will pick you up and I will pay."

"Let's meet for dinner" means "We both drive, we pay our halves."

"Would you like to take me to dinner" means "I'm broke and I'm hoping you'll buy me food."

The rule: You should never order a meal you cannot pay for. :)

[CB]

Over the past 2 years I've probably been on 20 dates with different ladies. They almost always offer to split the bill, but I always pay anyway.

I'd never pay for a women's babysitting cost. That'd feel weird for both parties I imagine.

[Jo]

I agree it depends on the couple. My current boyfriend usually pays when we go out. I have provided lunch and chipped in here and there. I imagine as the relationship grows that eventually we will start to go more and more "dutch".

I don't have kids but if I did I wouldn't expect a date to pay for childcare, unless we were really serious and he offered to help pay for the babysitter. But I would never expect it.

[David]

If I were to write the etiquette book, it would go:

If you're a man, and you're dating a woman, pay for the whole date. If you're a woman and you're dating a man, offer to pay your share but let the man pick up if he offers. If you're dating someone of the same sex, pay if you ask the other person out, but offer to pay your share if you are asked out. If you're in a relationship, buy the night out if a date is what you want, otherwise each person pays. If you're married/domestic partners, always share everything equally.

[a]

Guys should always pay for the first date and the first dinner. Its old fashioned but I think it starts things off with a "dating" connotation rather than a "friends" one.

After that it depends. Sometimes I like to go dutch, sometimes I pay for the girl, sometimes the girl pays. Usually girls offer to split the bill and thats great. I turn it down on the first date (see above) but am totally cool with it after that unless I'm trying to create a special evening. I would start to worry if a girl never wanted to chip in for a date. Something about that screams gold digger or jobless bum.

I'd never pay for babysitting. Then again I'd feel awkward having any kind of serious relationship with a woman whose kids were not mine, so I guess its a moot point.

[Lass]

I also believe that the man should pay for a date. At the expense baby-sitting: here everyone decides himself, to pay or not pay.

[t]

I pay for the first several dates. I have had women offer to split, but I always have declined. As things progress, I do expect the woman to pick somethings up, which could be anything from taking me out on a date to preparing a meal for me.

I do not date women with children. If I was in such a situation, I do not think I should be under any obligation to pick up babysitting costs.

With the current girl I am dating, there might be a few incidentals she covers, but I pay for most things when she visits me. This past weekend, I drove to see her ($25+ in transportation costs). Early in the day, she paid for us to go to a movie and pick up a light snack. Later that night, I picked up entrance fee for a festival and we both purchased/shared food and drink.

I usually do not do lite first dates, but I will probably switch to this style.

First dates for me usually run at least $50.

Things I find rude when dating
-Being led on... ie person is not truly single or looking for a relationship... At the point, one person decides they do not see the person as someone they can be romantic with they should make the other person aware.
-Canceling a date when one has advanced notice they won't be able to make it.
-Not dressing up for a date... doesn't mean a person needs to be all snazzy, but wear something decent...

[Jess]

I agree with what seems to be the consensus. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he picked up the tab (but I *always* offered to split the bill). A little later in the dating spectrum (while we were still feeling things out but before we were 'official') we had a symphony/dinner date -- he was a subscriber to the symphony, so he was providing those tickets. I refused to let him pay my share of the expensive dinner. After we settled in we talked about our incomes (he works as an analyst for a large bank, I work for a nonprofit arts organization) and decided that it was fairest to keep the ratio of who-pays-what consistent to our incomes. He made about 50% more than I did so he generally pays for more dates. But we're not uncomfortable with asking each other to pay for a meal occasionally if the other person is feeling over budget.

[Colin]

You could always bring your kids out ON the date, as happened at the table next to us when we went out to a "nice" restaurant Sunday night...

[WiseMoneyMatters]

I personally think that the man should pay for the first date. I personally have paid for every date my wife and I went on up until we got married. Now with a joint checking, we split the cost. ;-)

As far as childcare, I think either could pay, but most likely it will fall on the woman's shoulders.

[Penny]

My boyfriend and I usually alternate. But, when we're going to a concert, he purchases the tickets, I pay for a nice dinner and for the parking fee. It works out to a pretty pricey evening but then we're older (in our 50's) with no kids.

[JK]

I always either split the bill, or if I was specifically asked out and he paid, suggested doing coffee and dessert elsewhere and picked that up. Or, if I wanted to see him again, just got the next check. I never felt comfortable accepting a free dinner, especially if I wasn't sure I'd want to see him again. Better to split the check, no harm, no foul!

[Nia]

When my boyfriend comes to visit it usually costs him about $75 round trip for gas. To make it fair while he is here for the weekend, I supply all of the food. If we go out and bring my kids, I usually pay for all of us. If we go out in the evening and it's a date for which I need to hire a babysitter. I pay for the cost of the babysitter, after all they are my kids, but this could cost up to $60 because the going rate for sitters is high in my area and that would cover dinner and movie. If we go into NYC, that might cost $90 and up for 6 hours (travel time is about 1.5hrs). Whatever activity we end up doing, when I have the sitter, we usually go dutch on. I also make more than him, but that might end up costing me $200 for a night out, which is way more than I can afford to spend. If I plan way in advance, I can get the kids father to watch, I mean spend some quality time with them.

[Robert in SF]

I had a friend who told me that he was dating a pharmaceutical saleswoman. For those not in the know, pharm salespeople usually make gooooood money. Certainly enough to live a decent lifestyle, especially when single.

He tells me that she not only made more money than him, probably considerably more, but apparently her money was worth more than his, since she never spent it out with him! Hahaha!

I think that whoever asks the other out of the first date, or "proposes" the venue (think: Let's go see *this* show, or to *this* restaurant) should pay.

Then it should alternate back and forth, again depending on who the more "aggressive" person is. However, I am sure there are plenty of passive people out there who hint they want a date, but never ask. Part of the role some people play, whether defined by their culture or upbringing...so that can be sort of passive-aggressive and frustrating to the person who pays all the time.

It's just not fair in today's society that women with a job or career should get a free ride on expenses for the date. I would worry it would carry over to the marriage: your money is *our* money, my money is *my* money.

Oh and why do I seem to think that some people who say, "I always offer to split the check, but let them pay if they insist" want kudos for that? Shouldn't you offer to pay the *whole* bill, not just your half? Hasn't the other person paid your half before, and now turnabout is fair play?

[Justin]

Split the bill, the entire way. Nobody pays for it all. That's equality.

[daisywoods11]

Interesting question. I don't like to date. I like to know a person well enough to want to go on a date. So in answering the question I would pay for my half and he would pay for his. If we decide to take the relationship further he would pay and I do the tips.
I don't have children and wouldn't want a male friend who have children. Nothing against them it just nice to be able to give them back to the family.

[LIz]

I'm a bit late commenting on this subject but I had to chime in. Personally, I like the somewhat traditional roles of male/female. I don't ask guys out (for a first date anyway), therefore, when I am asked out by a guy, I expect him to pay for a first date - It doesn't matter if it's just a simple $10 coffee or picnic, or a fancy dinner. It's up to him what he can afford and I wouldn't judge a relationship that way. After that, I usually offer to pay occasionally based on what I can afford when we are out - snacks, drinks,lunch, etc. I think both parties should be true to their own budget constraints. I dated one guy who was so hell-bent on impressing me and making things extravagant the first few months we were together that I know for sure he over-extended himself. Which ultimately made me feel bad, but that was his own lack of discipline. I don't require a man to "impress" or spoil me because it's more important to me that he knows how to manage his money if the relationship ends up long-term. So, while I do somewhat expect the guy to pay most of the time since he is usually suggesting the date, I am typically more thrilled with simplicity and creativity than how much money he spends.