Help a Reader: Splitting Costs on a Lower Income

Here's a question recently left on my post titled When Does "My" Money Become "Our" Money?:

My husband and I are constantly fighting because he makes 4 times what I do, but still expects me to "half" all of the bills. We each have separate accounts. I am using every penny I have to try to be fair, but I don't even have money to buy anything extra, while he is out spending money like crazy. Am I just being silly to think that he should contribute more than half since he makes so much more?

Any thoughts/advice for her?

Comments

[texashaze]

Your husband is being ridiculus. Once you are married you are "one". Spliting bills in half is what roomates do. Are you roomates or spouses? I'd recomend you have 1 account as the big pot where you pay everything. Then have an account for you and one for your husband. Each month you get an allowance. This solves everything.

If you don't get this resolved NOW then your marriage will fail for sure. Best of luck!

[texashaze]

Your husband is being ridiculus. Once you are married you are "one". Spliting bills in half is what roomates do. Are you roomates or spouses? I'd recomend you have 1 account as the big pot where you pay everything. Then have an account for you and one for your husband. Each month you get an allowance. This solves everything.

If you don't get this resolved NOW then your marriage will fail for sure. Best of luck!

[beth]

paying half isn't fair-- contributions should be based on percents. THAT would be fair.

[segfault]

Make at least the fixed, shared expenses (utility bills, mortgage, etc.) and shared things like groceries proportionate--if he makes four times what you do, you pay 20%, he pays 80%.

[Pop]

Sounds like a business arrangement, not a marriage. She should hit the "reset" button and try again.

[spivey]

I agree with segfault. As long as you are talking about bills that you accrue as a couple, you should split it proportionally, not 50/50. Actually, you shouldn't really split the bills at all, you should both contribute proportionally to an account of "OUR MONEY" to pay bills and the like.

[Jason]

Are you serious??? I have an idea...Get married, then you'll share everything. Oh, you already are???

[craig]

Each of you should set aside the same percent each month for your personal expenses, and the rest goes into one pot to pay all the necessities or items that need to be agreed upon for you to buy. Then the personal pot is money you can use to buy whatever you want.

[Walden]

How was this not discussed BEFORE marriage? Sorry, just had to ask.

It would be more fair if you each paid bills by percentage. You bring in 20% of the income, you pay 20% of the bill.

Honestly, is your husband selfish in general, or is there some underlying issue there?

[Joe]

When you got married, you became ONE.

End of story.

[Aya @ Thrive]

I would like to know how long this has been going on - or even before that, how long have they been married? I agree with Walden, this is a discussion that should have taken place prior to tying the knot. What needs to happen is clear, they need to deliberate and create some sort of plan based on their income if they really feel it needs to be split between them.

[Matt]

Listen honey (pretend that I'm Whoopie Golberg or something), get yourself a joint account. Just tell him we're a team, we're not dating and this is just the way it's going to be. This man is an immature fool. I thought the same thing in my early 20's but I grew up. Men will do whatever the woman allows most of the time. Backbone is required here.

[Jim]

I'd just combiner finances. You're married after all. Why aren't your finances combined? Was that a joint decision or his choice? I'd propose combining finances unless theres some major reason not to that we wouldn't know about. Frankly to me it seems that he's being selfish with his share of the money.

If you don't want to combine finances then I think the 20% / 80% split for expenses is fair. I'd ask for that at a minimum.

If you can't come to a reasonable agreement then you might want to seek outside help like the advice of a pastor or counselor.

Jim

[F]

Hi,

While your husband may have a point, I think he ought to make a gesture without you having to ask for it. But if that's what it takes... consider the following tip.

My bet is that your standard of living now is higher than what it'd be with a husband making no more than you do. (After all, the higher someone's income, the wealthier he wants to live.) To some extent this is likely reflected in the joint bills that he wants you to pay half of. You're being forced into a lifestyle you can't afford and probably don't desire (if you want to spend something on extra's every once in a while).

An example. It could be that you're renting a huge penthouse whereas it would have been a tiny studio if it weren't for him. He can't possibly want you to pay for half of the extra cost, even if you do live in that penthouse. If I were you I'd suggest him to pay the entire difference in rent if he wants to continue living there, and say that you'd be willing to move to the studio (or whatever it is). This was an example about rent, but the same thing applies to many other expenses.

[Mr. ToughMoneyLove]

My advice is either to get a real marriage in place or hire a lawyer and draw up a detailed partnership agreement that specifies your respective financial obligations to the penny. Good grief. FMF - This is one reader email you should have moved to the trash folder.

[Jon]

Just like everyone else has said. Get a joint account or at least make things proportionate to your income. Who does the cooking, cleaning, etc? If it's you, then you are the one that enables him to make as much money as he does and you are entitled to some of that.

[Traciatim]

I'm not quite married yet but have a house and kids together with my other. We've generally split things equally even though one person makes less money. That was up until the point that the spouse went back to school, then suddenly I pay for everything. I pay Mortgage, Mortgage Insurance, Property Tax, Heat/Power, House Insurance, Chile Care, Phone, Internet, Car Repairs (it's paid for), and anything else. The spouse pays the car insurance, and her own cell phone that I refuse to pay for because he doesn't need it. When she starts bringing in a normal amount of money again then it will go back to half. I firmly believe that if a person makes more they should enjoy the fruits of their labour (after the expenses are taken care of, of course).

[cb]

I'm completely with the first commenter, ridiculous. I'm not married but plan to share every penny I have with my wife. Love trumps money.

If all else fails, start charging him for sex.

[robert]

Drag that "Boy" to marriage/money counseling tonite.
YOU are MARRIED . IT is all or Nothing.
Money mattters are one of the major divorce factors.

University of Hard Knocks.

[Brad]

That is pretty crazy. If he insists on having some money of his own each month, put this plan in reverse. Have all the money go into a joint account and then give each of you an allowance to spend with no strings attached each month. This should be equal, not based on what you each earn individually. You are a team, you should be working together, not individually.

I've never understood this type of arrangement to a married couple's finances. But besides joining the chorus, I'd be curious as to what was the explanation for it in the first place? Seriously. I'm plain curious what one says when one is telling their spouse that they don't want to pool their financial resources. I'm also curious if this was something into which they stumbled or did they discuss it before marriage. I'm not engaged and my girlfriend and I have already started discussing how we'd handle finances if we were to get married.

[Nebula]

I'm trying to think of something to say other than the fact that you're married to a selfish, childish, inconsiderate, very foolish man. I can think of worse epithets but I'm trying to be civilized here.

How can one person in a marriage live on a totally different level than the other, knowing that the other one is sacrificing and suffering, and just be ok with that? What ever happened to sharing, something he should have learned back in kindergarten?

Ask him how he would feel if he became disabled and you had to support him. Would he still like the arrangement you have now? What goes around comes around!

I don't see any situation in which the arrangement you have now is justifiable in a marriage, period.

[indio]

Can't you just imagine what their vacations must be like? He picks a cruise on the QE2 and then expects her to pay her half which equals 4 months salary or she has to stay home. Or he flies first class while she can only afford to fly coach. This guy is a putz! There are so many things that come up that you can't split equally.

[Meg]

You should certainly each have your "own" money to spend or save as you like, but the majority of your expenses - and investments - should be joint.

You are married after all, so all household expenses, any emergency savings, college savings for the kids, retirement savings, etc should be joint (or considered joint, even if they are in one spouse's name). This isn't just common sense, it's the LAW.

Implementing this is the key. You need one household account which is joint which both of your paychecks should go into each month. Then everything comes out of that primary account. $X of play money to each of your individual accounts, $Y of savings into joint savings accounts, and that's that.

If you really want to split it according to income - and that's OK I guess - then you still use one account to pay all the bills and then you get 20% of what's leftover and he gets 80% of whatever is leftover.

[Margo]

If he's truly earning 4x her pay, either she's working part time and he resents it...or he should be expecting divorce papers.

Theoretically:
Her - $10K Him - $40K -- Depending on location there's not tons to share...but she'd be earning little enough that he should realize he's a jerk.
Her - $20K Him - $80K -- He's got enough to pickup a more proportionate share of the bills, and still have fun money.
Her - $30K+ Him - $120K+ -- He's just a greedy SOB and should be getting served his divorce papers ASAP.

I am curious if the OP is on a graduate stipend or otherwise working part-time. Does she earn enough to live alone? Like everyone else has said, why wasn't this discussed before the engagement? How long have they been married?

[JimL]

I agree with the first poster.

[dogatemyfinances]

I agree with Walden. Isn't this the kind of thing you should at least discuss BEFORE getting married.

[EFJ]

Please, darling, darling, darling, get counseling. Go alone if he will not go with you. This is absolute nonsense; you deserve to be in a better situation, and marriage/money counseling might help you get there. Best of luck.

[Lauren]

The only married couples I know who have separate accounts have them for one of the following reasons:

1) One works part time for a specific purpose (ex: my mom works specifically to be able to support her parents, so her account is just for parental expenses) and the other account is for all the bills and such.

2) They are afraid they are going to get a divorce so they don't want to risk combining finances "just in case."

Obviously number 2 is not going to be a solid marriage if you're set out from the beginning with the expectation of failure.

I do know of couples who have one big joint account and then a percentage (a SMALL percentage, like $500 total) is in separate accounts to spend on things like gifts or personal hobbies. Those seem to work out OK. But again, it's based around one big joint account where most of the money goes into.

[Angie]

I'd call up and get an authorized user card on a credit account he pays. If he is out spending like crazy he probably won't even notice the extra charges.

Otherwise this is crazy. I'm engaged and make about twice as much as my fiance. But I realize that had we not come to the comprimise for me to take this job, he probably would have a higher salary. So obviously I don't make him half everything even though we still keep separate accounts for the time being. I just have set expenses for him to pay and I pay the others. It ends up being semi-proportionate to our relative incomes. I am even paying down his debt before mine because it is in our best interest to pay off the highest interest first.

I'm assuming that you could either work more or find a better paying job or lower living expenses had you not been married. I imagine if you express your concerns he will realize something needs to change. I mean what would happen when you have kids? He'd give them a $1,000 christmas present while you give them a matchbox car making you look like the bad guy.

I know its tough to discuss but if you ignore it any longer it will just get worse! The spite itself has probably been eating you up inside forever!

[Trent D.]

Marriage isn't about going halfsies - that's for roommates. I considered the "separate accounts" thing before I got married, but lots of people counseled me about the importance of being one in all senses...including finances.

There should be no such thing as "my money, your money" in a strong marriage. It's "our money". Direct Deposit everything into one account, pay the bills out of that common account, and each of you should get an EQUAL allowance for personal spending out of the remainder.

[Adam]

I think it is a bad arrangement in general. Once married everything is shared. I don't think you can truly be one if you keep your finances separate. Seems like there might be a trust issue there.

[Dave]

Dump the greedy chump and sue for half.

[kitty]

I'd second Dave - I think his advice is the best. Check out laws in your state, if you are in the community property state half of whatever your husband acquired after marriage is yours. Not sure about other states, I think it's trickier, but you should talk to a lawyer.

Do you really want to be married to this guy?

[Norma]

Hey people the majority of us said "for better or for worse..." so stop the divorce talk. I agree that this lady should get into counseling with or without her husband. Money is so closely tied to marriages being torn apart.

[Sarah]

I'd bet he's not so much greedy as controlling. Either way, I've got to tell you, I don't think this is something that can be fixed with counseling. You married an asshole. (At the very least, he's exceptionally immature, but he's not going to grow up on the timetable you need him to.) It's only a question of how many more of your years he's going to eat up. Get out before you have kids and are stuck with him in your life forever.

I am with Norma. Stop the divorce talk. Get counseling.

Keep in mind that wse are only hearing one side of the story.

[Mark]

What percentage did he pay when you were dating? Did he take you to expensive restaurants and make you pay half?

If so - why did you marry him?

If not - why did he change?

[Marco]

you are married. there should be no separation of finances (except for credit cards). he is being unreasonable not to combine accounts. this is a big mistake. it appears he still thinks he is single.

[cherryblossom]

Get counseling for yourself first then ask if he will join you for couples counseling. Keep a private counselor for yourself though even if your in group conseling. Your dealing with an emotional minefield as well as a financial one. Crappy situation to be in.

[Me]

what would happen if you stopped paying bills? Would he let the bills default or would he stop being an ass?

[rwh]

Divorce him, take half the money and sue for alimony.

[Apex]

I have to agree with most commenters here.

I am sorry to say this but if your husband thinks this is an equitable arrangement then he is a selfish jerk who doesn't care for you very much as a person or spouse. I cannot imagine doing this to my wife (whom I make about 3 times more than her) without feeling amazingly guilty and frankly like scum of the earth.

The commenter above named Traciatim shows the same signs of being a jerk. He said, "I firmly believe that if a person makes more they should enjoy the fruits of their labour." I presume this is your husband's view as well.

This view is no way to run a marriage at all. If there are spending issues the allowance in separate accounts solution can help with that. But generally the only way to make this work is to reach an equitable sharing of responsibilities and benefits. You are sharing responsiblities but he is taking most of the benefits. There have been plenty of suggestions given above so I am not going to list more but I encourage you not to stand for this. I am not familiar with the specifics of your arrangement but from my perspective this is akin to financial abuse.

This arrangement will never last. The number 1 marriage problem and cause of divorce is financial issues. This will certainly lead you there if it's not resolved. You will get more and more bitter if this continues. He appears to be oblivious to this. I suggest you find a way to confront this and hash it out now. If it's going to destroy the marriage then it would have anyway, better to find out now.

Good luck. I truly feel bad for you as I don't understand how anyone who loves their spouse could do this too them. I hope you are able to work out a better arrangement.

[Slinky]

Ok. I've been in this situation, more or less. My SO is 10 years older than me and I met him when I was going to school and working part time. Looking back, he did make about 4 times as much as me.

Here's the thing, the only people that can decide what's fair is the two of you. You should each figure out how you'd ideally like to manage your money as a couple. Then discuss it...without arguing. Explain why you like it this way, convince each other, find a compromise. Then when you have a plan, figure out if it's possible to do that right now. If it is great, if it's not, you have to find another compromise that works for now, and a general idea of how things should progress towards the ideal.

We both thought things should be split evenly, and being so much younger, I felt that I had to prove I could pull my own weight (without a doubt, I can). It just wasn't possible for me to fully pay half until my last year of school though. So I paid half of what I could afford to pay, and no I didn't buy very much extra at all. I had a set 'allowance' for myself, but it often disappeared on me. Meanwhile, my SO was out with friends and bought new video games and whatnot. It was fair because that's what we decided was fair. But, he loved me, so he did pick up the slack that I couldn't quite reach, he treated me to dinners out and the occasional movie. It worked for us and no one felt resentful or abused or anything because it's what we had worked out and agreed on.

[random with no structure]

The comments here sound extremely sexist, especially the one suggesting prostituion.
I would like to here the comments if this was a Husband talking about his Wife. I have a feeling they would be different; except for the questioning of his manhood totally different.

[Courtney]

OK, yes, I agree that your arrangement is out of the ordinary and definitely not something I would choose for myself. However, if this is a dealbreaker for your husband, and you don't really want to break this deal, my suggestion would be to split all the expenses proportionally based on how much you earn. Since he earns four times what you do, if your mortgage payment is $1,200, he would pay $900 and you would pay $300. If he insists on splitting the bills, I really think this is the only fair way to do it.

[Anni]

No matter who makes more, expenses should be divided proportionately. I have friends who make more than their husbands and they pay the bills in proportion to their respective salaries.

[Frugal Vet Tech]

Wow. I must say I'm shocked by the number of rude, name-calling, and generally unhelpful comments here. I've always seen much more mature responses out of personal finance bloggers and readers.

With that said, here's my response to the lady who asked the question: No, you're not being silly or unreasonable. My personal opinion is that when a couple gets married, all money coming in is "our" money, no "my" money and "your" money. But that doesn't work for some couples and that's fine. As long as they find something that works for them, great. However, the way money is being handled in your marriage certainly doesn't seem to be working. If at all possible, I think you and your husband really need to sit down and talk about this. Figure out where each of you is coming from, what you want, etc. Set up a budget. Determine how much spending money each of you gets per month (or week, two weeks, etc.). There are as many ways to handle money as there are marriages out there. You need to find what works for you. Some counseling may be helpful if the two of you can't work this issue out. If your husband won't go with you, go alone. You can still get ideas and tips for how to respond to him and how to deal with this money issue. If the first counselor you find isn't helpful, find another. There are good counselors out there - sometimes you just have to look for them. Good luck!

It should absolutely be proportionate, but more importantly your finances should be combined completely, as was mentioned over and over. Introduce him to some couples with stay-at-home parents. Obviously, they do not contribute half of the bills, but contribute in other ways.

Or you can say, ok, I'll contribute half the bills but you must do half of the housework. Or make up a bill for the work you do around the house. His expectations are completely unreasonable but I hope you can work it out.

[Canadian]

I am strongly in favour of combined finances for married couples. That being said, I think if a couple wants to maintain separate finances a more fair way to do it is by proportion of income. If one partner earns $30,000 and the other earns $60,000, then they should both contribute to a shared account to be used for joint expenses, but the second partner should contribute twice as much as the first.