For those of you new to Free Money Finance, I post on The Bible and Money every Sunday. Here's why.
Today we have an excerpt from chapter 4 of Money, Purpose, Joy: The Proven Path to Uncommon Financial Success
Love one another. –John 13:34
Joy can be real only if people look upon their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness. –Leo Tolstoy
More than one hundred years ago, sociologist Georg Simmel observed people’s use of money and concluded that, in many cases, it was leading them away from the sense of meaning and purpose they so desperately wanted. The reason, he felt, is that they simply didn’t know what makes for a meaningful, purposeful life: “The lack of something definite at the centre of the soul impels us to search for momentary satisfaction in ever-new stimulations, sensations and external activities.”
The path toward home will only come into view when we become clear about what truly matters, what really gives our lives meaning, purpose, and joy. As we saw in the last chapter, our culture has strong opinions about this. Researchers in the emerging field of positive psychology have had a lot to say on this topic as well, but their conclusions are quite different than those of our culture. And as we’ll see, the findings from psychology simply echo what the Bible has been teaching for thousands of years, beginning with our desire for meaningful relationships.
Relationships Matter
My parents passed away within twelve months of each other. The last year of my mother’s life and the year that followed, which led to my father’s death, was a time of much stress and sorrow. It was agonizing to see the pain that cancer inflicted on my mother and the debilitating effects of heart disease on my father. Making matters worse for my dad was the deep grief and loneliness he felt following the loss of my mother. They were married for nearly forty-seven years. But that period was also a time of rich moments spent in simple conversation. I will always remember my father telling me in the quiet of a hospital room late one evening how grateful he was that my mom “took a chance” on him and that being married to her was his greatest joy.
Living a little over an hour away from their house, I was able to spend a lot of time with them as their health declined, and it was one of my greatest honors to be at their side when they each drew their final breath. Throughout their illnesses I saw firsthand what I think we all know to be true: when our time here draws to a close, our hearts will not be filled with longings to redecorate the living room or take one more trip to Europe; we’ll simply want to be with the people we love. There’s something about knowing our time is short that helps us clarify what really matters.
Our culture encourages us to love money and what it can buy. Psychologists say if it’s a life of meaning, purpose, and joy we’re after, we’d be better off loving people. Social psychologist David Myers has reviewed hundreds of studies about happiness and concludes that, “Social support—feeling liked, affirmed, and encouraged by intimate friends and family—promotes both health and happiness.” He cites numerous studies showing that people in close relationships cope better with various stresses, including bereavement, job loss, and illness. In one study of 800 college graduates, those who preferred a high income, occupational success, and prestige to having close friends and a close marriage were twice as likely to describe themselves as “fairly” or “very” unhappy.
Of course, the research from psychology only affirms what the Bible teaches. Jesus taught that loving others is second only to loving God in importance. And the Apostle Paul said, “No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” We were made for relationships. It’s written throughout the pages of Scripture.
The Money/Relationships Connection
What does our true desire for meaningful relationships have to do with money? Quite a bit, for the way we use money can either enhance our relationships or detract from them.
My friend Tom provides a good example of how our use of money can build our relationships. He and his wife, Rachel, committed early in their marriage to live free of debt. Not just credit card debt, but automobile and even mortgage debt as well. They figured the freer they were from debt, the freer they would be to spend time with the children they hoped to have. When Tom and Rachel decided to buy a home, they looked for one that was large enough for the family they desired and affordable enough to pay it off in a short amount of time. They found just the home in a western suburb of Chicago. It had plenty of space and was located near a riverside trail, which appealed to their love of running and biking. It was also reasonably priced, partly because it had no garage. They were willing to make the trade-off: no garage in exchange for a house that, before long, would require no mortgage payments.
Rather than relying on the advice of realtors or mortgage brokers, who would have told them that they could afford a much more expensive home, Tom and Rachel made their decision based on what truly matters—their commitment to family relationships. By living well beneath their means, they paid off their house in just five years. That enabled Tom to reduce his hours at work and be content with the lower pay that came with the deal so he could spend more time at home, which is especially important now that they have five children.
Unfortunately, not every couple is so naturally in synch when it comes to finances, and this can put stress on the marriage relationship. A former co-worker once confided that he and his wife were having frequent arguments about money. They are “not on the same page” financially, he explained. She’d like to do some significant landscaping in their yard, and pay for it by taking out extra money when they refinance their home. He’s not comfortable taking on more debt.
As we talked more about it over lunch, it became clear that this couple did not see money management as a partnership. Although they had a budget, he kept the books, while she wondered why there wasn’t enough for the things she’d like.
I suggested that they begin holding monthly “board of directors” meetings. The purpose for the first couple of meetings would be to pray about, discuss, and develop a financial vision for their family. What is God calling them to do with the resources he has blessed them with? Do they have enough in an emergency fund? Should they plan to help their children pay for college? What do they see themselves doing in their later years? From that vision they can set specific goals, and those goals will make daily financial choices much clearer.
It may be that the decision to invest in making their backyard more inviting fits perfectly with a shared vision to spend more quality family time at home. And maybe they could move toward each other—agreeing to invest in the landscaping, but waiting until they have enough in savings to pay for it without going into debt. Or, they may find that the landscaping project would prevent them from accomplishing a more important goal. If that’s the case, saying no to the landscaping project is likely to become easier since they both agree that the other goal is a higher priority.
That looks like a great book, and I should put it on my "to-read" list.
Though I'm not married, I've always been concerned about the issue of being with a partner who sees money differently. One of the criteria I have for a wife is that she must understand the fundamentals of personal finance and dislike debt. This is a big issue for me, and is one of the reasons I chose a community college as opposed to a much nicer private school. Hopefully we'll be on the same page. :)
Posted by: Shaun Connell | November 09, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Great post. I love reading about things like this - lottery winners being some of the most unhappy people and stuff like that. Money just isn't enough. The hard thing is remembering that. I don't even have a TV or internet at home, but the media is still so loud.
Posted by: Robert | November 10, 2008 at 10:47 AM