What Truly Matters, Part 2

For those of you new to Free Money Finance, I post on The Bible and Money every Sunday. Here's why.

Today we have another excerpt from chapter 4 of Money, Purpose, Joy: The Proven Path to Uncommon Financial Success. I'll be running the entire chapter over the next few Sundays. Enjoy.

Letting Relationships Lead

Who are some of the most important people in your life? If you are single, it might be your parents or siblings and your closest friends. If you’re married, your spouse is probably at the top of the list. If you have children, I’m sure they’re on the list as well. Who else? Get a clear picture in your mind of at least five people who are really important to you. Now ask yourself whether your use of money is strengthening these relationships or hindering them in some way. 

It’s all too easy to buy the house we want, even though it requires such a long commute that we have little time to spend with family or friends. It’s just as easy to spend so much on clothing or vacations that we go into debt or try to get by without savings, even if doing so adds stress to our relationships.

That’s why, whether single or married, it’s important to ask how your financial decisions are likely to impact your most significant relationships. For example: 

• Would that cross-country move that comes with a $10,000 raise be in your best interests, or could saying goodbye to your friends be too much to exchange for the higher pay?
• Would a house with more space best serve your family, or would living with more financial margin be a better choice?
• Do you really need to be able to tap the Internet, watch television, and check e-mail with your cell phone, or would the financial breathing space of a less expensive calling plan help you save for vacations with family or friends?

It’s not inherently wrong to relocate with your company, buy a bigger house, or opt for the latest cell phone services. But it’s important to ask and wrestle with such questions, because relationships matter more than we sometimes realize.

So does contribution.

Contribution Matters

In the opening scene from About Schmidt, Warren Schmidt, played by Jack Nicholson, is staring at a clock on the wall of his office, counting down the minutes before his final day at work will be over and his retirement will begin. He has spent his career working as an actuary for an insurance company, where he rose to the position of assistant vice-president. At the end of his last day Schmidt sits in the midst of his boxed belongings, watching the clock, waiting until 5:00 p.m. when the workday and his career will be over.

At a retirement dinner that evening a long-time colleague toasts him, telling Schmidt he should feel “rich” to have devoted his life to something so meaningful. The look on Schmidt’s face says he’s not so sure. He once dreamed of having his own business, but instead chose the security of a steady paycheck.

Shortly after Schmidt’s retirement, his wife dies. The sudden changes—retirement, the loss of his wife of over forty years—leave Schmidt wondering even more about the meaning of his life. “I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things,” he writes to Ndugu, a six-year-old Tanzanian orphan he sponsors in response to a television advertisement. “And I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?”

Our culture would have us believe that life is about competition. It tells us that happiness is found in having more than we have now and more than others have. But as Nicholson’s character expresses so well, it’s contribution that we long for, a sense that we are making a difference with our lives. David Myers says that when our work adds purpose to our lives, when we view it as a calling, it adds mightily to the quality of our lives: “Happiness is loving what you do, and knowing it matters.”  Here again, psychology affirms the biblical teaching that we were designed to make a difference, that God “created us for a life of good deeds.”

The Money/Contribution Connection

We can experience a sense of calling in our paid work, our volunteer work, the work of parenting, and more. Martin Seligman, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says for some people meaning is found simply in how they view their work. He tells of a hospital orderly who meticulously selected pictures for the walls of a room where a close friend of Seligman’s lay unconscious. The orderly explained, “I’m responsible for the health of all these patients. Take Mr. Miller here. He hasn’t woken up since they brought him in, but when he does, I want to make sure he sees beautiful things right away.”

This orderly viewed his work as integral to the healing of patients. Another orderly might think of his work as menial and meaningless. The first orderly sees his job as a calling; the second sees it as a source of income. The tasks are the same; only the perspective is different.

Other people find meaning in how they use the fruits of their labors. For as long as Michelle can remember, she has cared about the poor. When she was young, she considered a career in social work, but her father talked her into studying business and she became a certified public accountant. Then her brother persuaded her to go to law school, and she became a corporate attorney. It’s never been her dream job, but she excels at it and earns a good living. She has thought about leaving the corporate world to work in the non-profit sector, but she candidly acknowledges feeling fearful of leaving something she knows how to do so well. So, Michelle has found a way to make a meaningful contribution without leaving her day job.

For several years she has invested her skills and money with an organization that serves homeless people in Chicago. Michelle chooses to live a far less expensive lifestyle than many of her colleagues in order to give away a remarkable 35 percent of her income—some of it to her church, much of it to the homeless ministry. Soon the ministry will open a new youth and family center where neighborhood kids will receive after-school tutoring and take part in sports leagues and other programs designed to help them stay out of gangs and finish school. Michelle used her legal skills to help the organization complete a deal with the city of Chicago to purchase land for the center and her donations helped to fund it.

Michelle says that investing her money, time, and talents into the homeless ministry is one of the most rewarding parts of her life. “I know that this ministry is changing people’s lives. People are getting off drugs, getting back on their feet. Volunteers are mentoring kids who’ve never had positive role models in their lives. Being part of this helps me see a greater purpose for my career path.”

While Michelle’s use of her money and her talents enables her to make a meaningful contribution, other people’s use of money prevents them from doing so. For example, a heavy debt load keeps some folks from pursuing the vocation best suited to their gifts and passions because the work doesn’t pay enough to cover the bills they’ve incurred. Others have become so acclimated to their lifestyle that it seems unrealistic to go from full-time work to part-time work in order to pursue their true calling, which could be spending more time with their children.

As Po Bronson points out: “Failure’s hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever.”  It’s not easy to make a change, particularly when things are going well—you keep getting promoted, the money is plentiful, the slaps on the back frequent. In many ways, that was my story.

I was working a corporate job with a good salary and plenty of perks. The position enabled me to provide a comfortable life for my family. But I felt a growing sense of unease, a mounting conviction that there was something else I was meant to do. It wasn’t easy to push back from the corporate table, where the food was plentiful. And I took some flak from well-meaning people who questioned the timing of my decision to step down. They wondered whether it would be more responsible to wait until our kids were grown before following my dream to write and teach full-time. But I couldn’t ignore the disconnect between my career and my heart. I felt like I was “living divided,” and I just couldn’t do it any more.

I’m blessed that from the earliest days of our marriage my wife has shared my dream of one day being able to do this work full time. Together, we made decisions designed to help us save enough money for me to be able to walk away from my corporate job. We both worked at the start of our marriage, but we committed to living on one income so that we could give to causes we believe in, save aggressively, and be prepared to have Jude stay home with the children we hoped to have. When we bought our first home, a condo, it was in what realtors optimistically termed an “up and coming” Chicago neighborhood. Basically, that meant three things: there was no Starbucks down the block, the symbols that would often appear overnight on the corner mailbox were not meant to beautify the neighborhood, and we were able to live with plenty of margin. I drove the car I brought into our marriage until it had nearly 200,000 miles on it. Now I drive the car Jude brought into the marriage, and it has 160,000 miles. During my corporate career we could have easily bought a nice luxury car for cash, but the freedom to pursue this work mattered more, so we focused on building savings.

It’s all too easy to lose touch with our longing to make a meaningful contribution. Before you know it, the house payment, the car payment, and the hours you work to pay for it all can make any thought of pursuing more meaningful work seem unrealistic. Or it’s easy to succumb to fear. You think: How will I make it work if I choose a line of work that pays less? Even worse, What if I fail? But consider this: What if you never try? Wouldn’t that be the greater failure? If there’s an ache in your heart to do something else, pay attention to that ache; it’ll motivate you to do what it takes to pursue the work you were meant to do. And that will help you recapture some of the passion you once had.

Comments

[Lisa @ Cents to Save]

"With Age Comes Wisdom". It is only as I grow older do I realize what truly matters to me. It is the love and close proximity of my family. Contentment in my occupation and having enough financial security to not always be looking over my shoulder or checking the caller ID to make sure it is not a bill collector.

Earlier, many years earlier, I had to have the big house, new car, and new "stuff". Over time, I have paid dearly for all that "stuff". I was only trying to impress everyone else.

Acceptance. That is where I am now. I accept that I will not have the big house on the hill. And that is okay. I am close to my family and my friends. These alone are priceless.

[theNonGuru]

Now that my kids are grown I often realize how many ways I missed opportunities to build those relationships and instead was trying to get to the next financial milestone.

I think the current financial crisis has everyone taking stock and putting their lives back into perspective.

It's the people around you that really matter - everything else can disappear in an instant. Put time into those relationships today.

[Paul]

Amy, it seems you like to cut and paste the same comment on multiple posts. Why?

[JimL]

Amy,

To give the message of Christ is the greatest thing we could do for others.

When I think of compassion and self-sacrifice, I think Mother Teresa comes to mind.

[FMF]

All --

I've deleted Amy's comment. She has 1) an ax to grind and 2) cut and pasted comments on various parts of this blog. I allow neither.

[Jabi]

Thank you for sharing your life decisions, and being honest about how tough it was.

[Robert]

Great post. Its funny, I am making a decision about becoming an actuary or starting a business or something else. I am about to get my MBA, as I feel like God is leading me there. A good reminder to focus on what really matters.

[F]

@Jabi: the last story is not FMF's personal story, but Po Bronson's, as I understand it.

[F]

I'm all for pursuing a meaningful career, but finding it can be quite a calvary!!