Debt is a Marriage Killer

The Wall Street Journal says that debt is a marriage killer. A few quotes from their article:

Debt, it turns out, is a leading cause of family strife during the first few years of marriage, according to Creighton University's Center for Marriage and Family.

That doesn't mean debt will necessarily send you to divorce court, but it does mean the accumulation of debt can undermine your marriage and cause the type of discord that can dissolve a marriage.

Money trouble (much of them caused by debt) can lead to divorce and divorce is an expensive option that will kill your net worth. Then again, you could get divorced and stay together for financial reasons, but who really wants to live like that? Isn't it a better option to get out of debt (even if it takes some work) and save your marriage, life and finances in the process?

But what about marrying someone that has a ton of debt? I was pretty fortunate in that my wife had less debt than I did when we married, and I didn't have much. Together, we paid off all our debts (including our mortgage) a few years into our marriage, and never looked back. It's been great for us as it's removed one source that causes a lot of fights in a marriage. I can honestly say that we've never had a fight about any sort of money problems at all -- and a big part of the reason why is that we haven't had any debt for most of our marriage.

How about you? Have you ever had marriage problems/fights because of debt? Or for those of you not yet married, what would you do if you found out your fiancee had a huge amount of debt?

Comments

[David Nofsinger]

This doesn't surprise me at all. I think that even after marrage, people at first haven't adjusted to "thinking as a married couple", that they still think like singles. When both people start wanting the same resources for their ideas, that's when they start to clash.

I think a lot of the problem can be resolved by sitting down as a couple, and coming up with financial goals for the family.

[Katy McKenna]

When my daughter became engaged to a lovely man with a mountain of student-loan debt, my hubby and I invited them to go with us to a Dave Ramsey live event, our treat. ;)

They totally caught the vision for attacking that debt! They've been married almost two years now, and are on the same page about money. They've made tremendous progress and are hoping to become parents without debt. We're really proud of the way they buckled down and made it work!

[anonymous]

I know that debt can lead to a lot of arguments in marriage and can lead to divorce, but it doesn't have to be that way. My husband and I have had some sort of debt (sometimes quite a lot) the entire 21 years we've been married, and we don't fight about it and are in no danger of divorce. I'm not saying not to pay down debt, but it's not inevitable that it leads to discord within marriage. My husband and I are working together to eliminate our debt once and for all, and we are still very happily married.

[Matt]

The more veteran married coupleI think that divorces due to money result from a failure to communicate. I took on a mountain (a small mountain, but mountain nonetheless) of student loan debt from my wife on top of my one credit card and car loan. While we could comfortably make all of the payments, we want a house down the road and we want to have the added cash flow to save for that so I wanted to get rid of all of our debts as quickly as possible and was willing to do without some things to pay it off quicker. My wife wanted more to be able to live on (we had just left the student life and she was looking forward to not having to live on a bottom-dollar budget) so we met in the middle. We have money to do things and we're on track to pay off all our debts by the middle of next year. I think if people just talked more they'd realize they weren't so far apart that divorce is what is necessary.

[Miranda]

Debt really was one of our sources of discord. My husband's parents sacrificed and paid for everything for him, and I had modest student loans to fill the gap between my scholarship and my total expenses. I also had a credit card that I used stupidly. Interestingly, though, since I knew what debt was, I wanted to pay it of ASAP. My husband, though, used to having everything paid for, initially just charged things when we didn't have the money. Soon he had racked up more debt than I had brought to the table! It caused some strife as we tried to work through everything. But we made it through and here we are...

[TheAntiChick]

I believe from my own experience that debt is a huge issue magnifier. On its own, debt probably isn't a marriage killer. But when there are other issues in the marriage, debt just magnifies them and becomes a huge focal point. It's done so in my marriage, and the outcome is still in question. It also becomes a HUGE issue in divorce. I'm still paying the price from my first marriage because we are each responsible for paying off a credit card (which stupidly weren't closed at the time) and my ex didn't pay on his for 5 months (without telling me) and my credit took a HUGE ding and I got hammered on a vehicle loan interest because of it.

DEBT IS HORRIBLE.

[Angie]

I have 100k in student loan debt and am marrying into the same. If that isn't an equation for huge stress then I don't know what is.

[Ray]

Well I am getting married this summer we both have student debt combined about $60K that is the only debt we have. We are also planning on getting a mortgage so might have some extra debt added, but other than that we dont have CC debt or any other loans currently. I guess kinda lucky

[My Life ROI]

When looking at what kind of debt creates turmoil my intuition is that student loans are not as dividing a factor as credit cards, for example.

If my wife were to have $50,000 in student loans I would --understand-- that. If she had $50,000 in credit card debt I would be more upset about that as I would view it as irresponsible debt.

[Rob]

The only disagreements we have had in regards to debt is the fact that I would like to pay it off faster than she would sometimes. But to her credit, they are for legitimate things like saving for improving our home or saving for retirement.

[guinness416]

When I met my now-husband a decade or so ago he was a financial basketcase. I've always been a saver, and didn't have a penny of debt until buying our first house. He was always straight up about it and it was never a problem for us, no serious arguments or issues, although you'd better believe I became the CFO of the relationship very quickly. Matt's right, the problem is the lack of communication (or hiding things) rather than the fact of the debt itself. It's only money, and more money can always be made.

[IPA is good]

It sounds like you have some pretty healthy marriages reading this blog already. I'll include mine. My wife grew up with less than I did. So she learned early how to master spending wisely. To this day she is one of the only people I know who regularly uses coupons and makes buying decisions based on them. But that doesn't mean that she is afraid of debt - quite the contrary. She is comfortable carrying more debt than I am. Before we married she had a student loan, car loan, mortgage, and a 12 month interest free loan from Home Depot. Before we married I told her I was uncomfortable with her debt load, and together we were able to pay off everything but the mortgage prior to our wedding day. Today she is mostly a stay-at-home Mom, but works very part time doing something she is passionate about, but earns a very irregular income. So together we live off of my income, and are able to save a little. Our only debt is the mortgage for a house that is admittedly too big for our needs, but is perfect in every other way. I plan to keep it that way. I use Quicken and have always looked at our finances by focusing on that bottom line number that says "Net Worth". Is my net worth going up every month and every year? Yes, with the exception of this latest recession which has turned our 401k into a 201k. How are you supposed to grow your overall net worth in a huge stock market down swing? I plan to pay cash for a used car when I eventually need another one, and am saving regularly for my 2 year old's college education.

[Matt]

I took on an ex who had a desire to spend beyond her means no matter how many things I could say about it, in a loving, guiding way. It was never my business, so she said, and by some stroke of luck, it would be taken care of...yes, she said crazy things like that. I had to bail her out to the tune of about $8k and look at me now, single, content, and better for learning that lesson. I am once bitten, twice shy now, that's the only drawback, but I will be quizzing future girlfriends about their finances before they are destructive to my own.

[Money Beagle]

It's important to be on the same page with regards to how to pay off existing debt and taking on new debt. I think that most people that fight because of debt get into that situation because they have different ideas about how to approach and handle debt. My wife and I communicated long before we were married about our debt, and went into our marriage with everything on the table and also knowing what we expected moving forward when it came to debt. So far, no problems!

[Moneymonk]

The problem is that most youngster, get married, honeymoon and but a house all within 6 months of marrying, and next year they buy a car