Handling Money and Marriage Issues

The following is a guest post from Neal Frankle, the author of Why Smart People Lose A Fortune.  He also blogs at Wealth Pilgrim.

Can you live with a spouse or partner who is super frugal if you aren’t?

It’s tough.

Of course frugality is important, but sometimes folks take it too far.  If you live with such a person, you already know what I’m talking about.  My wife knows this problem far too well.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, there were times when I lorded over our spending. I am not really proud of that era, but I must admit I needlessly created unhappiness with my miserly ways.  This was not a case of a simple disagreement.  It was a fundamental difference that was leading to a very bad outcome.  This was clearly my problem - not her’s.

She didn’t threaten me…she didn’t have to.  I knew I had to straighten up. Thankfully, we worked the problem out.

But what do you do if your spouse doesn’t get it?  Worse, what if your partner calls you a spendthrift just for turning on the lights?

Of course, one solution is to call your divorce attorney but I’m not a fan of that - too expensive.

I think there are other alternatives that can save you from making that call.

Here’s a 4 step approach you can use that may help resolve the problem:

1. Determine if the frugal behavior is really over the top.

This is actually the hardest step of all.  It’s very subjective.  Your partner might be irrationally hording or just living the life s/he wants to live. Also, s/he might be justifiably trying to get out of debt or build savings.

Here are a few questions you might ask yourself to determine where the real problem lies:

• Is your income less than your monthly expenses? 
• Is your credit card balance increasing every month?
• Are you borrowing money from friends?
• Are you unable to hit your savings goals?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it might make a lot of sense to be extremely frugal.  If your family is in debt and not making ends meet, your partner’s frugal spending might not be the problem.

Having said that, just because you need to take drastic action doesn’t mean you have to shut off the electricity. 

Figure out how much you need to cut in order to reach your goals and then calculate if the measures your partner suggests are meaningful.  This is a question of balance and like I said, it’s subjective. Often, having a third-party mediator can work wonders here. If you do seek out a third-party, I’d suggest a therapist or trusted friend.  Approach this in an open-minded way.  Don’t go with the mindset of convincing your spouse how off they are.

Your partner might be super frugal even if you aren’t in debt.  If so, something is driving him and you need to find out what it is.

2. Acknowledge your mistakes.

You partner might be very frugal because that’s the lifestyle they prefer as I said.  On the other hand, it might be because they have some deep rooted fear.

If so, they probably get angry at the way you spend money.

Own up to anything you’ve done that has contributed to your partner’s discomfort.  If you skip this step, you’ll never get anywhere.

Let’s assume your wife is the super frugal one.

Did you spend money without considering her feelings?  Even if you spent money wisely, if you agreed to discuss all expenditures before making them and then didn’t live up to that, you broke your agreement. You should own up to it.  Remember, your partner might be in fear and unless you make it safe for her, you’re not going to find a solution.

At the very least, admit how your spending made your spouse feel uncomfortable.   Notice…I didn’t say you spent money recklessly or unnecessarily. I just said that you acknowledge how she felt about your spending. 

This step could really help solve the problem. 

Again, the reason some people are overly cheap is because they are afraid.

What are they afraid of?  You have to ask them to find out. 

If they are uber-frugal, it may have nothing to do with what is going on in the present and everything to do with the past.  In order to find a solution, you have to get your partner into the present.  The best way to do that is to assuage her fear.  To do that, admit your part of the problem. It lets her know that you are on her side and she doesn’t have to be on the defensive. She’ll be more willing to open up as well.

3. Understand and acknowledge the fear.

Once you admit how you’ve contributed to the problem.  You might ask how she felt when you did what she dislikes.

She will probably tell you she was afraid.  If so, ask her what she was afraid of.

This is the key.  Once your spouse tells you what they afraid of, you have a rational issue to deal with.

4. The Budget is the Solution

If in fact your partner has reasonable fears, work out a budget to deal with those issues. 

For example, when I first started my business I was very afraid of it failing.  That was a rational fear.  Since I was the only one working, if the business failed, we’d be out on the street.

We worked out a budget that allowed us to save an amount I was comfortable with. Once we achieved our savings goals, I felt safe and was very willing to loosen up on other spending.  To be honest, just knowing that my concerns were being addressed helped me loosen up.

But let’s say you aren’t in debt, you are saving and your spouse remains ultra-frugal despite the steps I suggested above.

If you can live with it, fine.  There is nothing wrong with it.

But if this is a lifestyle you can’t live with and you can’t mutually agree on a budget, go to therapy (if you want to save the relationship). You need an impartial third-party to find balance.

Again, there is nothing wrong with an ultra-frugal lifestyle.  But if your partner’s frugal behavior makes your life unbearable, you’ve got to take action.

Have you tried any of these steps?  Have you dealt with a super frugal person in some other way?  Where you able to find a solution?

Comments

[MC]

Well, I once dumped a guy I was dating because of his ultra-frugal (actually pseudo ultra-frugal) lifestyle.

He never turned his heat up above 50 oF (even when it was 40 below outside), he refused to buy fresh food (he only cooked with half-rotted veggies--gross), he "forgot" his wallet every time we went out, he only wanted to watch lame DVDs from the library, and he scolded me for using hot water to wash his dishes. It was so weird---because he also told me his Dad was a millionaire & he had a rolex & a prius that he liked to show off. Before too long, I just couldn't take it anymore and said goodbye.

I found out later he was actually only "pseudo" frugal. He spent a lot on weed--major loser!

I'm suspicious of the ultra-frugal----it's not rational. Diminishing returns and all that. Much better to focus on saving on the big things.

[Financial Samurai]

Seperate your finances and spend what you earn.

Meanwhile, aggregate your finances for a common goal.

This is the best way to hedge against each other's peculiarities.

[LotharBot]

For the longest time, my wife wouldn't buy things because she thought I'd get upset at her spending money. Meanwhile, I kept wondering why my wife wouldn't buy things she said she needed. Seems funny in retrospect...

[Welath Pilgrim]

So...is ultra-frugality....a disease? Seems like MC's boyfriend had major issues. Are most ultra-frugals ill?

[JimL]

Work out the money issues BEFORE you get married.

[Moo]

JimL -- working out money issues before getting married sounds like a good plan, and may work for some people.

My wife and I married when we were both in college and partly still funded by our parents. We didn't have any loans or kids at the time; in short, money was pretty loose.

Fast forward 6 years, we've got a mortgage and car loan, some modest student loans and two kids. Our money situation isn't anything like what either of us would've imagined. Back then I would NEVER have guessed that I would be the frugal one in the relationship -- and for a long time I wasn't.

I think the important thing is to continue working out the money issues as they arise.

[RJ Weiss]

A few things that have worked for my wife and myself.

1. Review monthly expenses. This way one can't deny if that were overspending.
2. Set limits on expensive categories - clothes for her, sporting events for me.
3. Never argue and like Moo said, work out money issues as they arise.

[Welath Pilgrim]

I like the idea of dealing w/it as it comes up. I used to delay the conversation and it only led to bigger problems. Not anymore. Good advice Moo

[Patty]

@rj @moo good ideas, I will also say - that if one spouse is generally the money manager - then trade off the responsibility every so often. Both spouses will get a different perspective and may very well help in the understanding.
@Neil - include in your budget, would I assume that there are the short-term and long term goals included.

and whatever ... don't ever go to sleep fussing about money issues.

[Alex Burda]

I love when my wife spends money. It makes her happy and it gives me a sense of achievement that I have provided the opportunity for her to do so. What I don't enjoy is not having the money in the first place, then it's a big issue.
I think the important lesson here is that both people in a relationship understand the finacial situation they are in. They should know when to spend and when to hold off.

Remember this:

"Happy wife, Happy Life"

What do you think?

[MBA boy]

MC just doesn't get it...sounds like she's a gold digger. That's why she'll be broke all her life. Learn what TVM is.

MBA boy

[fa]

Seperate your finances and spend what you earn.

Meanwhile, aggregate your finances for a common goal.I love when my wife spends money. It makes her happy and it gives me a sense of achievement that I have provided the opportunity for her to do so. What I don't enjoy is not having the money in the first place,

[Honey]

I don't know if you HAVE to separate finances (though that's one solution), but you should definitely get your budget in place and then establish your spending allowances. If she wants to save hers, fine - but if you want to spend yours, also fine :-)