Help a Reader: Moving in with Parents

Here's a comment/question that was recently left here by a reader:

I am 25 married and have no children. I just graduated and was hired by a good company in my home town. My wife and I live near by and I planned to commute while we looked for a decent apartment. While at dinner the other day we were talking about our plans when my father asked "why don't you two just come live with us?"

My parents have been empty-nesters for a long time and I am the only child that even lives in the area. I hadn't considered living with my parents as an option and certainly didn't expect the invitation. We can afford an apartment, even an upper scale apartment but living with my parents would allow us to put away over 1k a month.

I have always been prejudice of married adults that live with their parents, thinking that they must be lazy or failures. Neither my wife nor I are either of those and we will probably accept their invitation.

I really like my parents (a lot of people love their parents but don't like them) and so does my wife.

Am I right to think that my situation is the exception for married adults or is it not as uncommon as I thought?

Ok, he's not asking what we all think about the idea of moving back with your parents, but I'm interested in what you think. Good idea or bad idea? What are the things they should consider, be aware of, work out in advance, etc?

Comments

[Everyday Tips]

I think it's a great idea. If everyone gets along, why not? Sounds like a win-win for all, and if something goes wrong, they can always move out.

[Cheapskate sandy]

I guess he really has to think this through. It's always nice to visit, but living with someone is completely different. If he does choose to move back with the parents then they must lay some ground rules regarding rent (he should pay them), utilities (same here as well), food purchases (he should buy or contribute) and how long they will be living with the parents.

He should also have a plan on how much they plan to save each money or which debts should be paid off within that time, or it will be for nothing (except maybe getting closer to mom and dad).

If it's a separate apartment, great, otherwise, I don't know how much of a damper having mom and dad one door away will be in the romance department for a young couple. Oh, and make sure your wife loves them just as much as you do.

[Mark]

I would be very surprised if there isn't some resentment (in both directions) after a few months of this.

You have to consider all the other obligations and decisions that might come along. Who does the little repairs that crop up, who decides what time the lights go out in the livig room, who decides what TV to watch?

Personally, I don't see it unless there is an urgent financial reason or it is very short-term. Living with them for a few months while you find a place of your own is one thing. Living with them long-term probably won't work.

[Kyle]

In regards to Cheapskate Sandy's comment, your wife will never love them as much as you do, just an FYI :)

We lived in my in-laws for about 1 year. This enabled us to quit our jobs to work full time in our photography business. We could not have done so without them. Our photography business is now flourishing and we're closing on a house this month. Even though the whole experience was trying at times, it was totally worth it. I think you just have to weigh it out in your mind and make sure that by living with them you'll be able to achieve your end result and that it will be worth it, because a young married couple living with their parents is certainly nothing anyone should subject themselves to just because.

[Rod Ferguson]

I would say no to this not from a financial perspective, but from a psychological one. At that age, people are still figuring out who they are. When people are married at that age, they are figuring out who they are with each other. This is a daily process and will continue for a few more years. Unless you plan on staying with them for the rest of your lives, you will never really figure out 'who you are/who you are together' with the whole "who we are with the parents" dynamic going on. It's one of the reasons people in their late teens/early twenties more often than not enter a phase where they try to avoid the parents; sometimes taking it as far as "hating" them.

Speaking from personal experience, I never lived with my/my wife's parents after we got married. We did, however, have roommates for a couple of years. I can say that we really didn't start developing as a couple until after we stopped having roommates.

Just my inflation-adjusted nickel (currently $40, or one gram of gold)

[Rod Ferguson]

I should expand a little:

It's one of the reasons people in their late teens/early twenties more often than not enter a phase where they try to avoid the parents; sometimes taking it as far as "hating" them. People instictively know that in order to figure out who they are, they can't be around people who already have a fixed view on who they are. Friends are different; friends aren't as vested as parent. Even other relatives are different; they are vested, but not in the same way. And neither friends or relatives have the lifetime knowledge about you that your parents have.

[jim]

There is nothing 'wrong' with it as far as I'm concerned and its not a sign of 'failure' either. In some cultures living with your family is pretty normal.

It will work better for some people than others. I think it depends on the relationship and the situation. I'd be happy living with my dad again and I'm in my late 30's. I get along great with him, he has a large house and I don't care too much what other people think. If he was annoying or had a very small house then it might not work.

I would consider offering to help pay the parents something either in the form of rent or paying utility bill.

[kip]

To me I would live in small apartment and work a second job rather than live with my in laws.

At the same point, I think we need more details:
How big is the house
How active are your parents
Will you have your own space or will you be with them 24X7

[WW]

No go bro. I'd steer clear of this one. It's always a great idea until someone gets their feelings hurt. Keep your relationships strong, live with your wife only.

[meb]

If you do, set a fixed time. That way you have an easy out at 6 months (or whatever) and you can always extend it if things work out.

[Alisha]

I agree with Rod Ferguson here. The people I know who do this seem to extend their adolescence versus start on their own two feet. Saving $1,000 a month is a lot, but the freedom to do whatever you want (decorating your own place, having complete independence, and feeling free) is worth about $1,000 to me!

[mdb]

I like my parents, even if my wife and I had no kids - I wouldn't move in with them. Maybe it is easier if you are younger and not all that used to being on your own - but I had hard time adjusting to living with my wife (I married at 37 - had 1 roommate for 1 year after college) - I guess I spent to much time living alone.

[David]

Highly, highly dependent on situation. Will they be living there short term or long? Will there be enough space that they can comfortably feel on their own when they need to?

Financially, it always makes sense (but do contribute to the running of the household - no freeloadin'!). Socially and psychologically, it may or may not.

It's not hugely uncommon, even aside from the Failure-To-Launch situations; it's particularly common here in the Bay Area, where housing is so expensive that you really can't get much of your own place until you're well established.

[DT]

Kip suggests some excellent questions.

I would add to his list:
"Will you have your own separate entrance into your portion
of the house or is it a shared entrance, like a standard
front & back door?".

Some larger homes on larger lots have a smaller detached
dwelling; the mother-in-law house or guest-house.

To me, I agree with Rod Ferguson. The only exception is
if we're talking the guest-house, because that is separate
enough, I think, to avoid "adolescent extension" syndrome.

However, with or without the guest-house, I suggest you should
put a deadline and/or goal to your stay. Say, 2-3 years or
$30,000 saved, which ever comes first.

[Doctor S]

Every situation is different. I think it is a great idea for a temporary period of time. I live with my parents my ENTIRE life (sleeping on the couch the last 4 years) until I recently got married.

I agree with DT, set a goal, what you want to get out of it, and when you want to be out by. This way you will always be working towards what you want to do in the future.

Having parents that are open to this option is great, many people can't wait to get out of their parent's watch.

[LotharBot]

If you just moved out and got married, moving back in with your parents can shortcut the personal and relationship growth you should be going through right now.

If you've already established yourselves, moving back in with your parents as a temporary measure can be a good idea.

[C]

One thing to think about...what do the siblings think? Even though they don't live nearby, there may arise some resentment among siblings if they feel that you are getting something from your parents that they aren't. This is less of a problem if your siblings are aware of the contributions you make to the household and how you're not being lazy or a slacker. This would also be mitigated by paying rent, but if you do that, then what's the point of moving in with them?

[50plusfinance]

The financial incentive of $1000 a month savings makes this choice very temping. But your first few years of marriage you need to be in your own place to build your marriage. You will never have those first few years again. Later as life becomes more complicated with children and work, you won't have any of the initial one to one time together.

For a strong marriage you just need this time together. It's one of the best parts of a new marriage.

[Scott]

We moved in with my folks for 9 months while putting aside our "rent money" for our first down payment on a house. I would say my wife and I had to cling to that reason several times during that period... It was harder for my wife, because she didn't always understand the "culture" in my parents' house, and felt like she couldn't really let her hair down at the end of the day. One tip: we took a weekend or overnight every month, to get out of the house and give them/us a break. It let us do some traveling, which we really like, and gave them some space, too... If you have a clear and agreed upon reason for doing it (temporarily), it can be a fairly pleasant experience...

[Brent]

I would respectfully turn down the offer. No matter how close you are with your parents and how much freedom they will give you I feel that it is important for a married couple to just have time alone together.

Is this the house you grew up in? If so I would definitely stay away. There's just something strange about mixing your married life with your childhood life. There are just too many memories that you will have about the place that your spouse will not. That creates a very different experience between the two of you which you don't want early in the marriage. Start fresh and build up new memories together.

[Walden]

My husband and I lived with my parents for about 5 months while we looked for and purchased our home. For us, it was great. My parents are often out of the house, and are easy to get a long with. For our part, we made sure to be proactive in household chores (not only cleaning up after ourselves, but taking care of things for my parents too), took them out to dinner and a movie often, and kept them apprised of our timeline.
I think as long as everyone is clear on expectations (who is paying bills, how are chores divided up, etc) and you and your wife are willing to pitch in for more than your fai share of chores and the like, it can work out well.

[KMI]

I'd suggest (as others have) setting up a defined timeline - such as just for 6 months, so you have an easy out. Before going in to it, find out exactly how you will split utilities, groceries, chores, use of washer/dryer, mortgage/rent payments, etc. Remember that it is your parents' home - you would need to defer to their rules on having friends over, bed time at 10 PM (for example), dinners together or separate, when you need to check in to let them know you will be coming in late so they don't worry about the 2 AM noise :-> Mentally walk through a typical day and week in their house - and share with your parents how you would expect the daily routine to work. All of you need to be on the same page before you get started, and saying "oh we'll work it out as we go along" is the best way I know of to make it fail.

I hope that the house is set up to allow a bit of privacy as well. With the right people involved, it can work out. Bear in mind that you are making a deliberate choice to delay building your own married life together and figuring out how the two of you want to do things, but it may be worth it to be able to have your own house sooner.

[brooklyn money]

I am single, so different situation, but my grandmother and my mother live alone in 3 bedroom+ houses/townhouses and both of them would love for me to move in with them and would not even want rent money. Or if they did less than $500. That would save me also about $1K a month. I love them both and we all get along, but it doesn't matter. I'm not a child, and unless there is a financial necessity, this is not a psychologically sound idea (for me anyway). There is no price that can be put on having your freedom and your own home.

[MBTN]

I see some people saying yes and some saying no. I think it really depends upon a lot of factors. Here are two stories from my experience in this area:

My dad is pretty easy going, but my mom always wants to inject her opinion into things ("it's cold you should wear a jacket", "call me when you get there", you get the idea). When I lived away at college, I got used to doing things on my own, keeping my own schedule, making my own decision. After graduating, I took a job which wasn't far from where my parent's lived, so I started out living at home with them. Because I had been used to being on my own, living with my mom got to be suffocating to the point where after 2 months, I found my own apartment. Now that I am older and she is used to seeing me as a mature adult, she has gotten a lot better, but at the time, I was still her son living under her roof so she continued to act like a mom even though I didn't need it.

Second story...

My mother in law, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of my mom. She is a very hands-off type of person. She always goes out of her way to respect the fact that me and my wife are adults and that we are capable of making our own decisions. Not to say that she doesn't offer advice every now and then, but it is done in a way that it is advice from an equal rather than a mother. Because of a variety of things, she ended up moving in with us, and she is still living with us now. When the situation came up, there was no question in my mind that it was okay for her to live with us, because of the type of person that she is.

I guess the moral of the story is that there is no right or wrong answer. It all depends upon the personalities of the people involved, and whether you can handle being under the same roof together.

[Alex]

I'm the person who posted this question. After reading some of the responses I feel that I might need to give some additional details.
Since the age of 18 I have lived on my own, in various apartments and in a foreign country. I have been married for almost 3 years, which may not seem like a lot for some, but I would hardly consider myself a "newly-wed". My parents home is rather large and has a big fully finished basement that is almost separate from the rest of the house. We are going to pay rent, but it is a small amount meant to neutralize our presence financially. We plan to live there for about 10 months if things go as planned (professional school), and maybe as long as 23 months if not.

[MT]

My husband and I lived with my parents four about 8 months when we had been married for about 2 1/2 years. We lived in the formal livingroom with blankets in the doorways to separate our area from the rest of the house (no doors). We shared bathrooms and the kitchen, but had a sitting area in our "room" where we could watch TV/movies on our own when we wanted separation. My parents' attitude was that we were adults and treated us with the same courtesy they did the other adults living in the house (my aunt lived with them, too).

Our marriage did not suffer because of this arrangement. In fact, it allowed us to take advantage of several opportunities we otherwise would not have had. If we had been truly newlyweds it might have been a different story, or if my parents had been controlling or meddlesome, but as it was it just happened to be a mutually beneficial living arrangement.

It's really an individual thing, but it looks to me like there is little downside in your situation. If your wife gets along with them well and you're all easy-going go for it.

[Burney]

I'll give you another perspective. Our daughter and her husband lived on their own for 3-4 years, renting. We discussed it together and bought a house where they have their own living area (bedroom, bathroom, nursery) upstairs. We share the rest of the house. They pay the utilities. We buy most of the groceries and cook. They watch our 13 year old when we want to get away. We help with their newborn. My daughter is happy for the help. My son-in-law gets a hot meal on the table everyday when he gets home. I get help with things like moving furniture. My wife gets to play with the baby. Our son gets to play the son-in-law's XBOX. Everyday is an experiment in intergenerational living, but so far we are all very happy.

[Melanie]

@ Burney, September 20, 2010 at 10:45 PM
I am in a similar situation. After 5 years of marriage and living as a couple we have recently moved to my home country and hence moved in with my parents. We have the option of renting, although my husband suggests that if we can live with my parents, lets save the money. What are your thoughts?
On the other hand I feel like I would have liked my husband to really appreciate the offer my parents have made us but when I tell him did you thank them for this offer? he says that, its on my checklist! whist I would have liked this feeling of being grateful to be something naturally bubbling and coming from HIM, himself rather than me reminding him. He does help wash the dishes or ask my mum if he can help with dinner, or hang around my dad to fix things in the house. But I still feel he should be more grateful, am I right in my feelings or am I being too sensitive? I feel I am more appreciative person and I constantly have to remind him how to show his appreciation to my parents for things they do for us to make our life more comfortable, but he is pretty relaxed in the department of returning favours/support and the trouble is he gets angry when I remind him to say thank you or to do something nice in return. I'd like to have some advice as to stay with parents even though I like my husband to be more proactive in expressing gratefulness. thank you. Melani