Free Money Finance

Who Earns More in Your Marriage?

Here's a piece from MSNBC that says women are increasingly earning more than their husbands. A few of the stats they share:

• In 2007, 25.9 percent of wives were earning more than their husbands in households where both spouses work, according to the most recent data available from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That’s up from 17.8 percent two decades earlier.
• Among all married couples, including those where the husband isn’t necessarily working, 33.5 percent of women were making more than their husbands, according to the 2007 data.
• The recession has likely exacerbated the trend; nearly three-quarters of the approximately 7 million people who have lost jobs in this recession have been men. The unemployment rate for adult men stood at 10.3 percent in September, compared with 7.8 percent for women.
• 65.3 percent of women and 61.2 percent of men strongly agreed with the idea that they are comfortable with women earning more than men in a household.

I'm surprised it's that high -- one-third of women make more than their husbands. Will probably be half of women within the next couple of decades.

So, this information makes me want to ask:

Who earns more in your marriage? Do you have any problems with this arrangement? (no matter who earns more)

Currently, I earn more in our marriage since my wife is home with the kids. But early on in our marriage we were fairly close in salary -- I was $20k or so ahead of her but we both had great careers. But we always planned on her being home once we had kids, and we planned accordingly for it -- living on my salary only. It's been a great arrangement and so far has worked out perfectly.

Now, my plan is that once the kids go off to college, my wife can start her career again and I can retire early! (Just checking to see if you're reading, honey!) :-)

The end of the piece has some information about Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm who is married to a stay-at-home husband. I couldn't resist this quote:

“He's actually better at parenting than — than I am,” she said.

My guess is that he'd be a better governor too (no, nit because she's a woman, because she's a buffoon killing our state) -- but that's for a different post. Thank God for term limits...

Marrying Your Financial Opposite

Here's a piece from MSN Money that says most people marry their financial opposite. They break the situation down as follows:

• Most people say their ideal mate would be someone whose money style is similar to their own.
• Despite this preference, people tend to marry their financial opposite. The more conflicted people were about their own spending habits, the more they tended to choose partners with the opposing tendency.
• Those who do marry their financial opposite tend to experience more conflict and "diminished marital well-being."

Fortunately for me, my wife's money style is similar to mine -- or at least in the same direction. I'm frugal. She's more frugal. We both like to save. We both like to give. We both hate debt. And on and on.

We have never had a fight about lack of money, how we're going to pay off some sort of debt, or that I bought this or she bought that. Of course it's not all candy and roses. We have had "discussions" over long-term goals (primarily how much we save -- I think she doesn't understand how much it takes to retire and she wonders if we're saving too much and should give more instead), but generally we're on the same page when it comes to money management.

I can tell you, it's been a great blessing for us to see eye-to-eye on handling money -- it takes one of the top (if not the top) reasons for trouble in marriage out of the equation for us. Which in turn leaves us time and effort to fight about the really important stuff in life like squeezing toothpaste from the bottom versus the middle or what type of snacks we buy at the grocery store. :-)

As I've said before, we both lucked out in marrying someone with similar money habits since we didn't really talk about the issue before we got married. I'm guessing that's the same for most people -- they don't talk about it before marriage -- but then they end up with a spouse who thinks totally different about how to handle money. Then soon after they're hitched, the problems start. Ugh.

How about you? Did you marry your financial opposite? If so, how do you deal with it? Or if you're not married, do you plan to talk about this issue if you do decide to tie the knot?

Money Lessons from Jim Nance

If you watch even a bit of sports on TV, it's likely that you've seen announcer Jim Nance. Well, he's in the news again, this time not for his on camera ability but because he's going through a messy divorce. It's a good reminder for us all that a divorce can have a substantial negative impact on one's net worth. So you better choose wisely when you get married.

Several financial issues stood out to me from the article linked above. Namely:

• Money is part of the reason for the split: "He maintained that the marriage ended as a result of his wife's lack of support for his career and her excessive spending."
• He makes a boatload of money: "He is attempting to protect much of his $7 million plus a year earnings."
• Is it really $7 million a year he earns? This adds up to more than that: "In addition to his $3.9 million annual salary from CBS, Nantz also makes $4 million in deferred compensation, which includes money he gets as the 'voice' of Titleist golf products."

• Did I mention that divorce is costly?: "His wife is seeking alimony for herself and child support for their 15-year-old daughter, Caroline, in excess of $1.5 million a year. She also wants to keep their six bedroom, six bathroom house on Imperial Avenue in Westport."
• Who you marry will impact your career: "In 2007, Nantz said he was offered $7 million to host the CBS Early Show, but turned it down because his wife opposed it."
• More on her spending problem: "He testified that while he was traveling around the country broadcasting sporting events, his wife was home spending vast sums of money. In nine years, she spent nearly $1 million at Ed Mitchell, a high-end clothing and jewelry store in Westport."
• She appeared to keep some financial things to herself: "And Lorrie Nantz admitted she often went shopping at Ed Mitchell, which is about a mile from their home. She has two accounts there, one in the couple's name and one under her maiden name, which she said she assumed her husband knew about."
• Is she a shopoholic?: "Just last month she purchased a $12,000 necklace at the store. But she admitted she couldn't recall what it looked like. 'I think it has some sort of stone,' she testified."

I'm not blaming her for the divorce (he had a mistress, after all!), simply highlighting the money-related issues associated with this break up. What a big mess!

Again, choose very carefully who you decide to marry since that decision will have a major impact on your ability to generate wealth. I'm not saying to select a mate based only on financial issues (heaven forbid!), just recognizing that it's one major factor to consider before you take the leap into marriage.

Handling Money and Marriage Issues

The following is a guest post from Neal Frankle, the author of Why Smart People Lose A Fortune.  He also blogs at Wealth Pilgrim.

Can you live with a spouse or partner who is super frugal if you aren’t?

It’s tough.

Of course frugality is important, but sometimes folks take it too far.  If you live with such a person, you already know what I’m talking about.  My wife knows this problem far too well.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, there were times when I lorded over our spending. I am not really proud of that era, but I must admit I needlessly created unhappiness with my miserly ways.  This was not a case of a simple disagreement.  It was a fundamental difference that was leading to a very bad outcome.  This was clearly my problem - not her’s.

She didn’t threaten me…she didn’t have to.  I knew I had to straighten up. Thankfully, we worked the problem out.

But what do you do if your spouse doesn’t get it?  Worse, what if your partner calls you a spendthrift just for turning on the lights?

Of course, one solution is to call your divorce attorney but I’m not a fan of that - too expensive.

I think there are other alternatives that can save you from making that call.

Here’s a 4 step approach you can use that may help resolve the problem:

1. Determine if the frugal behavior is really over the top.

This is actually the hardest step of all.  It’s very subjective.  Your partner might be irrationally hording or just living the life s/he wants to live. Also, s/he might be justifiably trying to get out of debt or build savings.

Here are a few questions you might ask yourself to determine where the real problem lies:

• Is your income less than your monthly expenses? 
• Is your credit card balance increasing every month?
• Are you borrowing money from friends?
• Are you unable to hit your savings goals?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it might make a lot of sense to be extremely frugal.  If your family is in debt and not making ends meet, your partner’s frugal spending might not be the problem.

Having said that, just because you need to take drastic action doesn’t mean you have to shut off the electricity. 

Figure out how much you need to cut in order to reach your goals and then calculate if the measures your partner suggests are meaningful.  This is a question of balance and like I said, it’s subjective. Often, having a third-party mediator can work wonders here. If you do seek out a third-party, I’d suggest a therapist or trusted friend.  Approach this in an open-minded way.  Don’t go with the mindset of convincing your spouse how off they are.

Your partner might be super frugal even if you aren’t in debt.  If so, something is driving him and you need to find out what it is.

2. Acknowledge your mistakes.

You partner might be very frugal because that’s the lifestyle they prefer as I said.  On the other hand, it might be because they have some deep rooted fear.

If so, they probably get angry at the way you spend money.

Own up to anything you’ve done that has contributed to your partner’s discomfort.  If you skip this step, you’ll never get anywhere.

Let’s assume your wife is the super frugal one.

Did you spend money without considering her feelings?  Even if you spent money wisely, if you agreed to discuss all expenditures before making them and then didn’t live up to that, you broke your agreement. You should own up to it.  Remember, your partner might be in fear and unless you make it safe for her, you’re not going to find a solution.

At the very least, admit how your spending made your spouse feel uncomfortable.   Notice…I didn’t say you spent money recklessly or unnecessarily. I just said that you acknowledge how she felt about your spending. 

This step could really help solve the problem. 

Again, the reason some people are overly cheap is because they are afraid.

What are they afraid of?  You have to ask them to find out. 

If they are uber-frugal, it may have nothing to do with what is going on in the present and everything to do with the past.  In order to find a solution, you have to get your partner into the present.  The best way to do that is to assuage her fear.  To do that, admit your part of the problem. It lets her know that you are on her side and she doesn’t have to be on the defensive. She’ll be more willing to open up as well.

3. Understand and acknowledge the fear.

Once you admit how you’ve contributed to the problem.  You might ask how she felt when you did what she dislikes.

She will probably tell you she was afraid.  If so, ask her what she was afraid of.

This is the key.  Once your spouse tells you what they afraid of, you have a rational issue to deal with.

4. The Budget is the Solution

If in fact your partner has reasonable fears, work out a budget to deal with those issues. 

For example, when I first started my business I was very afraid of it failing.  That was a rational fear.  Since I was the only one working, if the business failed, we’d be out on the street.

We worked out a budget that allowed us to save an amount I was comfortable with. Once we achieved our savings goals, I felt safe and was very willing to loosen up on other spending.  To be honest, just knowing that my concerns were being addressed helped me loosen up.

But let’s say you aren’t in debt, you are saving and your spouse remains ultra-frugal despite the steps I suggested above.

If you can live with it, fine.  There is nothing wrong with it.

But if this is a lifestyle you can’t live with and you can’t mutually agree on a budget, go to therapy (if you want to save the relationship). You need an impartial third-party to find balance.

Again, there is nothing wrong with an ultra-frugal lifestyle.  But if your partner’s frugal behavior makes your life unbearable, you’ve got to take action.

Have you tried any of these steps?  Have you dealt with a super frugal person in some other way?  Where you able to find a solution?

When Family Members Steal

The following is a guest post by Jack Busch from MasterYourCard.

It’s a sad fact: family members and friends are some of the most common perpetrators of identity theft and fraud. Residents of your household have easy access to all your personal information - they can easily log in to the family computer or open the filing cabinet in the office. In cases where checks go missing, inexplicable bills appear on statements and seemingly unprompted late notices show up in the mailbox, someone from the household is often to blame. The emotional hurt from this type of incident can be equally as painful as the fiscal repercussions. Because of this, many are hesitant to confront the problem – and with good reason. Here are a few things to consider if you suspect one of your family members or friends is stealing from you.

It’s Time to Re-Evaluate Your Trust

When bill collectors come calling and you swear you never opened the account in question, you’d better make sure you know the score before fighting back. While lenders sometimes get things wrong, the more likely scenario is that someone has opened an account under your name without you knowing it. Before you escalate to the FTC or refuse to pay, take time to investigate when the account was opened and consider whether someone in your household has been using your identity.

This can be difficult. As a family, it’s easy to love each other unconditionally – but that doesn’t mean you should trust someone unconditionally. Wishful thinking makes us want to give our family members the benefit of the doubt. But unseen circumstances for our loved ones – such as runaway debt, drug addiction or entanglement with organized crime – may drive them to compromise their morals. Oftentimes family members intend to “pay you back” as slyly as they “borrowed” from you or justify their actions in other ways. Other times they are simply too ashamed to ask for help. In any case, you need to confront them directly and respectfully. The best approach depends on your relationship with them. Afterwards, take measures to prevent it from happening again, in spite of how profusely they apologize or promise it won’t happen again. Invest in a safe. Change your passwords. And monitor your accounts closely.

Work on Undoing the Damage

There are three fronts to this task: emotional, fiscal and credit. Repairing the first breach is completely up to you and your loved one and should begin with a frank heart-to-heart. As part of this discussion, you should put together a plan to control the damage to your credit rating and to reconcile the money that was stolen.

No matter what you decide, you should close out fraudulently opened accounts immediately as well as pay for any delinquent items. If checks were stolen, contact your bank’s check verification agency and alert them of the check numbers that were compromised and should be considered void.

As for debt that was accrued in your name, it will have to be paid. Given that your family member was driven to stealing in the first place, you’ll likely have to settle these debts out of your own pocket. After that, you can either forgive the debt owed by your family member to you or work out a repayment plan between the two of you.

If discussion with your loved one breaks down, you’ll be faced with another stark reality…

You’re Going to Have to Press Charges

Businesses and credit reporting agencies require police reports or a valid identity theft report in order to address fraudulently opened accounts and negative items on your credit history. That means that in order to save your credit rating, you are going to have to press charges against your friend or loved one. Furthermore, most lenders and credit reporting agencies require an identity theft claim in order to prevent further fraudulent activity. This, of course, is a last resort, but a necessary measure if you want to clear your name. If you are unwilling to take legal action against your loved one, then you are giving tacit approval for their activity, which, in essence, no longer makes it fraudulent.

During your discussion with your family member or friend, be sure to let them know that you will have to press charges in order to salvage your credit rating. This is by no token “selling them out” as, if they respected for and cared about you, they would willingly work with you to close the accounts and repay the debts. Things can get ugly at this stage, but without addressing the problem, it will only get worse.

Confronting a loved one who is stealing from you is a delicate situation that rarely has a satisfying outcome. While the course of action in the eyes of your lenders, the credit reporting bureaus and the law is clear, preserving your relationship and rebuilding trust is a difficult and unique undertaking for each instance. The key is to remain open, be understanding but to stay firm. To prepare yourself, you may wish to read some of the following:

• Oprah’s Guide to Confronting Your Toxic Relationships

• The FTC’s Guide to Identity Theft

• Identity Theft Resource Center (ITRC): Fact Sheet 115 When You Personally Know the Identity Thief – Includes letters to rectify accounts with lenders and to solidify personal agreements

• ITRC: Identity Theft and the Deceased

Six Money Talks to Have Before You Get Married

US News lists the six money talks to have before you get married as follows:

• Your credit histories.
• Whether you want separate or joint accounts.
• Your long-term financial goals.
• Your spending styles.
• Who will do what?
• How will you respond to needy family members?

I think I've mentioned before that my wife and I had NONE of these discussions before we got married. We both happened to get very lucky as none of us had bad credit, tons of debt, and we were agreed on most of the other items as well. I realize that most people aren't this lucky/blessed.

How about you? Did any of you discuss finances (and how much did you) prior to getting married? It seems like it's more common to do so these days (rather than a couple decades ago when we got married.) Is that correct?

Should Women Marry for Money?

Check out this interview that says smart girls marry for money. A couple quotes that give you the flavor of what they're saving:

• We’re not espousing that everyone should marry a rich guy, but we’re saying that you have to be smart when it comes to marriage and money. It’s not just love, it’s an economic partnership.

• The reality is we have a short fertility span in our lives, and as time goes on we’re less attractive to men on a physiological level. It’s kind of repugnant to say, but it’s true. Older men aren’t looking for gray and pudgy. They’re looking for a pretty wife. You have a lot of powerful assets at this time of your life–it’s not going to last forever.

And then, there's this comment left on the article:

I just saw these two beasts, I mean women, on Fox and Friends. Wow. Is it any wonder why they are divorced? Woof woof. Lay off the Krispy Kremes and have some self respect. This is exactly the reason why so many women end up alone. The don’t get an education and spend their young adult years just partying and being lazy bums not furthering their education. They magically think that they will just marry a rich guy and everything will be taken care of for them. That is not reality for 99 percent of women. The only women that marrying a rich guy applies to is the very top 1 percent who are literally supermodels and stunningly beautiful. If you aren’t, and many women delusionally think they are, they are going to end up being poor their whole lives living with their cat. Meanwhile, a new crop of young, hot girls, who don’t have crows feet and middle age spread will be ready for the rich men to have fun with. It really is just a hilarious situation how some women really do sabotage their own lives with their delusional thinking.

Ok, so much for a pick-me-up post on this one, huh? ;-)

I think we've all seen (either in person or in the news/media) the older guy who's loaded with the much younger, stunningly beautiful wife. It's clear what she sees in him and what he sees in her. I have to think that this sort of marriage exists all across the spectrum, not just the ultra wealthy. One example: the doctor who's 50 and on his second marriage might not find a super model, but he can sure find a young, attractive new wife. Again, it's clear what they both get out of the relationship (not to say that they don't love each other, but it kinda begs the question...)

So many questions. Should women who are attractive cash in on their good looks and seek to marry someone who's wealthy? It will likely mean that they either marry someone who's much older than they are or someone who has family wealth (or fame, etc.) of some sort. Is attractiveness an asset that can be monetized? Is "love" by itself over-rated? What factor should economic stability play in choosing a mate?

I know you all have some thoughts on these issues...

How I Use PowerPoint to Keep My Wife Informed on Our Finances

I've mentioned a few times on this site that every summer I put together a short PowerPoint presentation for my wife that gives details on where we stand financially. At the start of every year we agree on our basic budget (which has pretty much been the same for the past several years) and we discuss financial decisions throughout the year, but during the year I manage all of the finances. As such, I develop a PowerPoint during the summer (roughly half way through the year) to give her a brief overview of our finances. I've had a few people ask me what's in the presentation and now I'm finally getting around to detailing it.

The design of the presentation is rather plain -- white and yellow text on a blue background -- since it's the information that's really most important. Here's what's included:

• Net worth over the past five years -- both the absolute amount as well as the percent increase versus the previous year.

• Giving over the past five years. We take our giving seriously and want to be sure it's at a level we feel is appropriate. This slide includes what we've given the past year as well as the total we've given since we got married.

• Assets. A bulletpoint listing of all of our major assets by name (Vanguard, 401k, house, etc.) as well as the value of each.

• Asset details. Several slides that highlight the details of each asset listed above. For instance, we have taxable, IRA, and SEP IRA accounts with Vanguard, and there's a slide that breaks these down and lists their value (and I have one detail slide for each asset that warrants it.)

• Savings plans. A line listing of what items we'll be saving for over the next year. This slide is used to spark conversation about whether or not these are the correct goals or not.

• Spending splits. Highlights the top 10 spending categories, the amount we spent on them, and what % they were of our total spending.

• Financial issues we face. Topics we need to discuss regarding our finances. Examples: buying a house, updating our wills, saving for college, etc.

• Location of key information. A quick listing of where my wife can find all the financial info in case something happens to me.

This is what our presentation has looked like historically. Last year I deviated from this and did a similar (though more detailed) presentation like this using a set of reports I generated and printed off via Quicken. It seemed to work well and gave us a lot more visibility into the numbers, so I think I'll stick with that again this summer. But the PowerPoint worked well for us for many years too, and if you're looking for a simple way to overview your finances with a spouse, you may want to consider it.

Debt is a Marriage Killer

The Wall Street Journal says that debt is a marriage killer. A few quotes from their article:

Debt, it turns out, is a leading cause of family strife during the first few years of marriage, according to Creighton University's Center for Marriage and Family.

That doesn't mean debt will necessarily send you to divorce court, but it does mean the accumulation of debt can undermine your marriage and cause the type of discord that can dissolve a marriage.

Money trouble (much of them caused by debt) can lead to divorce and divorce is an expensive option that will kill your net worth. Then again, you could get divorced and stay together for financial reasons, but who really wants to live like that? Isn't it a better option to get out of debt (even if it takes some work) and save your marriage, life and finances in the process?

But what about marrying someone that has a ton of debt? I was pretty fortunate in that my wife had less debt than I did when we married, and I didn't have much. Together, we paid off all our debts (including our mortgage) a few years into our marriage, and never looked back. It's been great for us as it's removed one source that causes a lot of fights in a marriage. I can honestly say that we've never had a fight about any sort of money problems at all -- and a big part of the reason why is that we haven't had any debt for most of our marriage.

How about you? Have you ever had marriage problems/fights because of debt? Or for those of you not yet married, what would you do if you found out your fiancee had a huge amount of debt?

Not a Way to Start a Marriage

Here's an engaged couple that's already in a bit of financial trouble:

Even with a less expensive location, they're experiencing some serious sticker shock. The estimated cost of their big day? Between $20,000 and $25,000 for 225 guests, and that's without all the bells and whistles.

And the wedding isn't their only financial challenge as a couple: They have some debt to whittle down, they'd like to buy a condo, and they need to agree on a joint budget.

Hold on -- how about a little financial reality here?? Why do they want to go out and spend (or worse, borrow) another $20k to $25k on a wedding? Here's what I'd suggest they do:

1. Take steps to increase their income and decrease their spending.

2. Use this money to pay off their debts.

3. Downsize their wedding plans to spend as little as possible on the big event -- and pocket the difference (if they have it.)

4. Agree on a budget for all future spending.

5. Save for a downpayment on a condo and follow my formula when buying one.

6. Take the three simple steps needed to become rich.

Did I miss anything?

What are Your Plans for Valentine's Day?

Well, love is in the air this weekend as couples around the US gear up for the annual chocolate, flowers, and Hallmark card lovefest known as Valentine's Day. But this year things are a bit different, if you haven't noticed. We're in the midst of an economic slump, putting the kibosh on many a planned expensive celebration of love this February 14. And there doesn't seem to be a lack of advice out there about what to do about it.

MSN Money says we should boycott the madness. Others suggest keeping things frugal. Kiplinger offers a couple pieces of advice -- either spend wisely or, of all things, buy some stocks.

We never have really made that big of a deal about Valentine's Day -- it's always been low-key for us. We'll go out to dinner, but that's probably it. My wife's birthday is also this week, so we're spending more time focusing on that celebration.

But I wanted to ask you -- what are you planning on doing for Valentine's Day? Is the economy impacting your celebration in any way?

Help a Reader: Money and Marriage

Here's an email I received from a reader. It's a bit long, but an interesting read as it compares contrasting money styles among spouses:

I found your website by searching Google and started to read your posts every day. They are very practical and easy to understand. One of the most important messages that I get from you is having a partner who has the same saving habits as me. It hits me immediately. Then I realized that my husband is a person does not like to save money, or he likes to spend all this money if he has a chance.

We have been marrying for over 5 years and basically everything is fine except that we have different values of money. About 1.5 years ago, we moved across country because I've got a decent job. Unfortunately, he could only find a part-time teaching job here. So, he's making $1,000 a month and I'm making $60,000 a year.

We have $10,000 credit card debt, two student loans and a car payment. Renting a house for $1,045 a month. We were paying $1,200 a month to credit card last year, but now we can only afford $800 a month. However we should able to pay it off in a year. Although we have agreed to pay off the credit card as soon as possible, he still spent money at the same time. $20 here, $40 there…he could spend about $200-$250 a month for himself. Once a while, he would spend $300 for a WWII German Helmet too!!

Being over 50, have an advanced degree; he can only make $1,000 a month. It's not a good feeling and I understand it's hard for him too. I never say a word about how little money he earns because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I don't understand why he couldn't considerate our financial situation and being discipline a little bit. Except the days he goes to school, he pretty much just stays at home. Every time I talk to him about money, he said he was bored at home and couldn't help buying stuff on the internet. Then he said he would watch money, but in a week or two, he would go buying things again.

I put all our expenses in a spreadsheet and check our accounts online every day to make sure that we will have enough money to pay bills. At the beginning I felt okay if he just spent $30. But now, after a year, I'm so tired of taking care of the money. Even a $20 spending will upset me now. I feel like a fool that I am the only one to watch money and seem I am the only one wanting to pay off the debt seriously.

A couple weeks ago, he put his stuff on eBay and he got about $1,000 from it. (However, he used our credit card to pay all the shipping charge and eBay charge.) Then, he quickly spent all this money on other toys that he wanted. He didn't think about helping to pay off the debt at all. He said I didn't ask him to sell his stuff to pay off the debt, that's why he sold his stuff for buying things that he wanted. I used the Christmas money from his parents to paying the debt and he said I just made him feel guilty to spend his Christmas money. Eventually, he did spend all his Christmas money for himself.

Since last couple of months, I have a feeling that I don't know how long I can stand for it. I realized that It's not the debt problem anymore, it's this man whether I really want to live any longer. Before I came to the US, I was a single, I had a good job that I liked, I had debt-free, I had good saving in my account. I even could lend the money to my sister paying for her down payment. I gave $500 a month to my parents and now I could give none. I missed the old time that I enjoyed the great feeling to know that I have saving in my account. On the other hand, is this a good reason to part away a marriage? Am I too sensitive and too serious? He said he would do better if he could get a full-time job, but I think that he would spend even more. I am just tired of arguing money with him and wonder why I couldn't have someone who understands the same money value as me. Or if I could be a single, I could handle the money in whatever way I wanted that I think I would be much happier. I don't want him to change for me but I don't want myself being unhappy either.

When we just got married, both he and I were going to school. We were supported by his family giving us a house for free and then we used student loan to support our living. I don't know if we could have done better if we have stayed in our old state. I know that I wouldn't get a job giving me $60,000 a year there. He could have stayed with his old job for $28,000 though. After all these years, I never complain to have debt again, but it's just difficult to know that my husband and I were actually going to two different directions. I can't do that just by myself. How can we go to the same destination together? More heart-breaking is he didn't think of us but himself, or I didn't think of myself but him?

I don't know what advice I wanted to get from you, maybe I just wanted to express my feelings to someone. I only have one good girl friend in the US -- all my family and friends are in another country. I don't want to talk about it with his family. I don't know how I should handle it. We were talking to move after we paid off the credit card where we might able to find a full-time job for both of us. If each of us can make $40,000 a year is still better than what we are having now. He might able to find some music gigs there for his own pocket money as well. I don't know if this is a good solution or if I could wait another year?

One good thing is all his credit cards will be paid off next month. He will only have his student loan under his name and I will take care of the rest. If one day I wouldn't take care of his money, at least I won't send him bankrupt like his ex-wife did. Now he even has a much better credit score than me.

I think the main question I wanted to ask is: Could different saving habits impact marriage?

Actually there are a lot of questions here. Do you have any advice for her?

Frugal Millionaires on Cars and Marriage

Here's an excerpt from the book The Frugal Millionaires: 70 millionaires anonymously share their ideas about money to help each other and you. Today we're seeing what the millionaires have to say about cars and marriage. There's lots of good advice here -- as you would expect. After all, these people are doing pretty well financially.

FYI, these are some representative tips from The Frugal Millionaires. There are over 800 tips in the book. The frugal millionaires are only referenced by their initials. The author signed a confidentiality agreement that the millionaires' identities would never be disclosed in exchange for them saying whatever they wanted. If they chose not to have their initials used they were given the initials AFM which is an acronym for Anonymous Frugal Millionaire.

BUYING/LEASING/SERVICING A CAR

JLL – Always pay cash. Always buy the car with the least options and the smallest engine. It will significantly reduce your depreciation costs which, until the recent surge in gas prices, were the highest cost component to owning an automobile. Wait until the end of the month and negotiate like hell. To save even more money buy higher deductible car insurance.

AFM – Buy a car that makes you happy and matches your goals. If you have the money – buy it for cash. Treat it well, service it, invest in it. The car I bought 8 years ago is in excellent shape. In about a year I plan to invest in getting the engine rebuilt so I can get another 100,000 miles out of it. If I hadn’t taken care of it I’d be making another $35K “investment” instead of one about 1/6th of that.

WAL – Buying a lease-return vehicle is the best purchase. If you are fortunate you can find a car with some warranty still on it. Plus, you can buy a luxury vehicle at a realistic price, which the original owner took the depreciation hit on.

AFM – Only get your car worked on at the dealer while it’s under warranty or if the car requires special tools that independent dealers can’t get. Regular service that is done elsewhere in a timely/less expensive fashion should not affect your warranty as long as it is documented.

MARRIAGE

(All the frugal millionaires were listed as AFM’s in this section to protect their marriages.)

AFM – Marry for love first, and then for a similar approach to money. And marry someone who looks at money the same way you do or you won’t have either love or money in the long run.

AFM – Protect your assets that you take into the marriage and the growth of those assets during the marriage, and until it ends. Hopefully it won’t ever end, until one of you passes on. Start the pre-nup process at least six months before you intend to get married. Have it signed three months before you get married. Make sure that your fiancé has equal or better legal representation than you do.

AFM – Strangely, marriage as it relates to money is the hardest when the goals are seemingly 100% similar; that is, the two people have some level of frugality, so there’s no argument there, and also similar goals on saving money. But then neither thinks their approach to spending money is the wasteful one. It would almost be better if one was a miser and the other spent like crazy…which might lead to a quick divorce, oh well. The hard part is trust; that is: my spouse trusts me to make the big life changing financial decisions, and arguably I’ve done well, but like all people I’ve made some big mistakes. Then I trust her to make the daily decisions and for her to spot all her wasteful ways. Arguably her pissing away a few hundred dollars too much on clothing is nothing compared to some of the bonehead financial moves I’ve made. But that’s super hard to keep in perspective when it’s spending vs. investing.

AFM – A divorce lawyer once told me that the finance person where your significant other bought their last car knows more about your significant other’s finances than you probably do! Know as much as you can about how someone saves and spends their money before you get married…and what they might do with yours.

Top Four Money Fights for Couples

Here's a list of the four most money-related issues couple fight over from Quick and Simple:

• Spenders vs. Savers -- He loves to splurge, you don't. Or vice versa.

• Separate Accounts vs. Joint Accounts -- You disagree about whether the two of you should merge all of your money, and you feel threatened by the opposite point of view.

• Kids and Financial Rewards -- Your husband thinks your child should get money for making good grades; you think that's paying your child just for doing what she's supposed to do.

• Fiscal Infidelity -- You hide purchases from each other or keep secret accounts.

I guess this is why we never fight about money -- none of these are a problem for us. Here's where we stand on each of the above:

• Spenders vs. Savers -- We're both savers (though my wife is more "frugal" than I am and we sometimes have disagreements about just how far we're going to save a few pennies.)

• Separate Accounts vs. Joint Accounts -- We're agreed -- everything's joint.

• Kids and Financial Rewards -- We're in general agreement on these issues. Every once in awhile something unique pops up, but we usually settle it without much trouble.

• Fiscal Infidelity -- No need to hide purchases since we can buy whatever we want with our own personal accounts.

Our biggest "fight" (if you call it that) is over how much we should save versus how much we should give. A good part of our income is given away, and my wife always wants to give away more. I tell her that we need to be sure we save (retirement, college, etc.), but she doesn't think we need to (she hasn't run the numbers and seems to think that we could retire easily on $500k.) Anyway, it's too her credit that she's so giving -- though we do need to keep it in check! ;-)

How about you? Any of these issues in your marriage or relationship?

How Does Your Family Divide Financial Responsibilities?

The Wall Street Journal has a discussion on how families divide up financial responsibilities, so I thought it would be fun to tell how we do things in our family.

Who handles the finances in our family starts with the bigger list of who does what when all the household chores are listed. For instance, who does the cooking (my wife), the cleaning (the kids, mostly), any outside work such as lawns, garden, snow removal, garbage (me), and so on? In addition, we have to consider who is able to do the assigned task (if any special skills/abilities are needed.)

That said, here's how we divide up our financial chores:

• I develop an annual budget, then my wife and I meet to discuss/approve it. That serves as our framework for what we will and won't do financially during the next year. Built into the budget are long-term issues like saving for retirement, college, etc. as well as normal/regular spending.

• Once we have an approved budget, it falls mostly to me to implement it -- to make sure the 401k is funded, to handle the investments, to pay the bills, and, of course, to enter it all into Quicken.

• My wife does much of the shopping -- especially for things like food, clothing, and major purchases. She has a knack for saving money and getting a good value when she buys, so she has free reign to make most of our purchases. I know that if she buys something we likely got both a good price and a product that will perform well for a long time.

• Each summer, I prepare a "state of our finances" report (really a series of reports from Quicken) that my wife and I discuss to review how we're doing.  We usually do this when our kids are with my parents, so we have the time we need to really discuss what's going on.

Those are the high points of how we manage our finances. How do you split the responsibilities?

Who Gets the Ring when an Engagement is Called Off?

Here's an interesting money and marriage question:

Who gets the ring when an engagement is called off?

FYI, here's the piece that made me ask the question.

I'm sure it will be a hot topic in the comments -- have at it! ;-)

How to Determine If You Can Move from Two Incomes to One

A reader left a comment on my post titled Help a Reader: Going to One Income that I thought was especially good and should be shared with everyone. Here it is:

My wife and I are going through this exact thing right now. Here's the approach we took:

1. Compare income vs. childcare costs. In our case, we already had one child in daycare while my wife and I both worked. Adding a second child to daycare (and remember infants cost way more in childcare than a 3 year old) was going to put our childcare bill several hundreds of dollars more than my wife earned. It was an easy decision.

2. Budget - if you don't know where your money is going, you won't be able to predict changes in budget when you eliminate an income.

3. It's easier to make the transition if you're a saver. For the past 4+ years, every raise my wife and I have gotten has gone directly to savings. We have (or had in her case) direct deposit setup such that the first set amount of money from each paycheck went to our checking account, and anything above that amount went to savings. So as we got raises, our checking account income never changed, and the savings account grew and grew.

4. Plan early. If you're basing the change to a single income on the birth of a child, you've got 8-9 months to get ready for the change. Use that time to build up a safety net above and beyond your normal emergency fund. Expect that the first few months of living on one income are going to be an adjustment phase and that you might spend more than you expected at first. Also think about expenses that are going to go up (heat & electricity for example) having people always at-home. Sure, you may not burn as much gasoline driving two cars to jobs every day, but you will need more lighting / heat / etc.

5. Capitalize on equity you already have. For example, my wife and I knew we'd need a larger car when our second child was born (we both had small cars). We looked at both the cars we owned, what condition they were in, etc., and managed to sell the newer of our two cars for enough to pay off the remaining loan on that car, pay off the car we were keeping, and put several thousand dollars down on a slightly larger replacement vehicle. In the end, our insurance went down $50 a month, and our total cash output for car payments went down $115 a month. We looked at other areas we could save too, like reducing cell phone minutes because she won't need one for work or reducing the number of cable channels we have because we're realistically not going to have time between diapers and feedings to enjoy all 800 channels.

6. Treat the stay-at-home duties as a full time job. My wife and I had several conversations about what kinds of things she'd be doing as a stay-at-home mom, so there weren't any unspoken expectations or surprises as we moved into this change. She's got vacation time, she's got planned nights out, and we've setup budget line-items for the at-home stuff she'll want to do with the kids. Clearly identifying her role in the change has been fantastic for us. The end result is that we're working better as a team than we ever have before, and with her handling all the little day-to-day stuff around the house, we're able to spend a lot more time together as a family in the evenings and on the weekends.

It's comments like this that make FMF so much better than if I was the only one giving my thoughts here. Thanks to all of the commenters for helping to make Free Money Finance better!

Is Money Agreement the Key to a Good Marriage?

Here's a NY Times piece that asks if money is the key to marriage bliss. Some highlights:

If you ask married people why their marriage works, they are probably not going to say it’s because they found their financial soul mate.

But if they are lucky, they have. Marrying a person who shares your attitudes about money might just be the smartest financial decision you will ever make. In fact, when it comes to finances, your marriage is likely to be your most valuable asset — or your largest liability.

Making [money] choices as a team is one of the most important ways to preserve your marital assets, and your union, experts say. But it’s that much easier when you already share similar outlooks on money matters — or when you can, at the very least, find some middle ground.

The economies achieved by pairing up are fairly obvious. However, the costs of divorce can be financially devastating, especially when children are involved. And, not surprisingly, money manages to force a wide wedge between many couples.

“Most people think people break up over sex issues and children issues — and those are issues — but money is a huge factor in breaking up marriages,” said Susan Reach Winters, a divorce lawyer in Short Hills, N.J.

The piece goes on to say that not everyone is married to someone who sees finances they way they see them (in fact, my guess is that most people are married to financial opposites). But there are things you can do to become more compatible financially. Here are their suggestions along with FMF articles that go along with the thoughts:

Before walking down the aisle, couples should have a talk about their financial health and goals.

FMF resource: 10 Tips to Set Your Money Future Before You Get Married

Make a budget and keep track of earnings, expenses and debts. And structure your business as a partnership; when it comes to making big financial decisions and setting goals, do it together.

FMF resource: How We Budget

Having a supportive partner helps you professionally, which should trickle down to your mutual bottom line.

FMF resource: Maximizing Your Greatest Asset: Why Your Career is So Important

Create a cash cushion, and live a lifestyle you can sustain.

FMF resource: My Best Financial Advice: Spend Less than You Earn

An independent third party, whether a financial planner or a therapist, can help you find a middle ground.

FMF resource: Thoughts on Financial Planners

Carve out some money for both partners to spend on things that make them happy.

FMF resource: Solve Marriage Spending Differences by Having a Personal Account

Spend it — time and money — together.

FMF resource: How to Be Happy

And if these aren't enough, here are some additional posts on money and marriage that may help you/be of interest:

• Interesting Facts on Marriage and Money

• When Does "My" Money Become "Our" Money?

• How to Divorce the Right Way Financially

• MND: Both Spouses Must be Frugal

Some Cheap Date Ideas

After our discussion on how $100 per date is ok for some people, I thought I'd share this list of cheap date ideas. It includes:

• Go For a Long Country Walk
• Pack a Picnic
• Watch a DVD
• Bake Cakes Together

A few others from me:

• Visit a park (great if you have kids)
• Go bike riding
• Walk the mall and "people watch"
• Church event (free!)

Any other cheap date ideas out there?

A Couple More Date Questions

After posting on the costs of dating yesterday, I had a couple questions come up that I was wondering about and thought you all might enlighten me since the last time I was out on a non-married date was when John McCain was in diapers.

As a note, these questions are for singles dating -- not meant for married couples going out on dates. Anyway, here's what I was wondering about:

• Who pays/should pay for a date? The man? The woman? Split it? Whoever asks? Or something else?

• If a woman has kids, does a man offer to pick up baby-sitting costs for the kids if he takes her out? (I ask this because this can be a huge part of a date's expense.)

Any wisdom out there on these questions?

How Much Does a Date Cost Anyway?

Here's a guy that's out of touch with his personal finances to me -- either that or he lives in a hugely expensive city. Why? Because his "average" date costs $104.29 and even his cheap date costs almost $30. And this includes no provision for childcare. Yikes!

Here's how I'd reduce his expenses on his "average" date:

• Dinner at a medium price restaurant - including meals, appetizer, no dessert, iced tea and tip - $30 (this is what a medium-priced restaurant meal costs in a decent cost-of-living city). And if you want to go to a Chinese buffet or something similar, it's closer to $20.
• Movie tickets - $14.00 (not much you can do about these)
• Movie Snacks - $0.00 (eat dinner right before the movie)
• 2 Coffee-Like Drinks and one big cookie - $4 (buy a half gallon of ice cream and go home)
• Total - $48

Then again, I could get it even cheaper. To me, the most important part is being together and having fun, so I'm up for something like ice cream on the beach. Pretty cheap, but very good for getting to know someone.

But the above implies that no one has kids. If they do, then the costs can really go up. The babysitter adds BIGTIME to the costs of a date out. In fact, our sitter almost doubles our non-sitter costs for a night out -- not to mention the fact that it's hard to find a good sitter. But that's a different post.

So here's my question -- what do you spend on a date?

Interesting Facts on Marriage and Money

MSN Money lists some interesting facts on marriage and money as follows:

• The median net worth of married-couple households in the latest Census Bureau wealth study, conducted in 2002, was $101,975. For single men, median wealth was $23,700. For single women, $20,217.

• A 15-year study of 9,000 people found that during that time, people who married and stayed married built up nearly twice the net worth of people who stayed single. Even when all other factors are held constant -- stuff like income and education -- just the fact that they were married contributed to a 4% annual rise in these couples' wealth.

• Wealth declines typically started four years before a divorce was final, and the breakup ultimately reduced the typical person's net worth by 77% of that of the average single person.

The piece also suggests how you should handle the "business" side of marriage, but that wasn't nearly as interesting to me as the facts above.

Here are a few thoughts I had on the numbers they presented:

1. I wonder if they factored in age when the compared marrieds versus singles. A good portion of single people are young and thus likely to earn less than (married) people more established in their careers. I know we've said that income doesn't equal net worth, but it sure does give a person a good head start.

2. The second set of facts seems the most powerful to me. Seems pretty clear that marriage does lead to a rise in net worth. Maybe it's because major expenses like housing are split among two people versus being totally paid by one person. Think this could be the cause for at least part of the 4% increase?

3. Ouch! Divorce can lead to a huge financial hit. My thought is that the declining finances for four years probably contributed to the divorce. Then, once the divorce occurs, each person takes another financial hit. Make sense?

Money Versus Sex

Here are some interesting stats I found in the July issue of Money magazine:

Percentage who think couples should talk more about money:

• Men -- 21%
• Women -- 33%

Percentage who think couples should talk more about sex:

• Men -- 29%
• Women -- 15%

Ha! What a shocker, huh? ;-)

A few thoughts from me:

1. One-third of women want to talk more about money. This seems like a fairly high number to me. Many must be in the dark about their finances.

2. Though I expected men to score higher on the sex question, I'm surprised so many wanted to "talk" more about it. What is there to talk about?

3. Would the questions be better if they were "percentage who think couples should spend more time managing their money" and "percentage who think couples should spend more time having sex"? Now THOSE would be interesting responses!

How to Make a Fortune at Your Wedding

I never knew this, but it appears there are several ways to turn your wedding into a money making event. I've never heard of any of these ideas, but I'm a guy and what do I know about weddings? Anyway, Smart Money gives us the details:

The "dollar dance" or "money dance": The concept behind this Polish tradition is that male guests pay for the privilege of dancing with the bride. Guests deposit (usually monetary) gifts in a purse attached to the bride's dress or pin it directly to her gown. Nowadays, the groom participates too, and collects donations from female guests for a dance.

I hate to dance, so why would I want to pay to do it? Maybe I could pay NOT to have to dance. I'd be up for that.

Money tree: This is an actual tree with clips or bows attached so that guests can clip or tie on money for the newlyweds. The tradition started in the northern states, but has spread across the country as people moved around, says Woodham. "If this is a tradition that has not been in the bride or groom's family, I would advise against [the couple having one]," she says.

Why, because it sounds tacky? Actually, I'm thinking of putting one of these "money trees" up in our foyer so guests can contribute when they visit us. Good way to earn some extra bucks! ;-)

Birdcage: The birdcage is a more common option when it comes to handing over monetary gifts. This accessory — often ornately decorated with ribbon or flowers — is usually stationed in the reception area for guests to deposit their cards or checks.

If this means guests would simply bring in cash gifts they'd already planned to give as wedding presents, I'm ok with this since it's not trying to bilk anyone for MORE money. But if it's a "give now even though you already gave a present" sort of thing, I'd be tempted to try and sneak in a bird and really liven up that cage!

Money art: Cold hard cash doesn't have to be boring. As a creative gift option, guests can hire an origami artist to fashion dollar bills into a dozen roses or a tuxedo shirt and tie. You're giving the couple money — but in this case it's all in the presentation. "You give the impression of spending more when you put effort into your gift," says Sharon Naylor, wedding expert and author of "The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette."

Expect to pay a premium, though: One origami artist we found charges $10 to create a single rose out of five greenbacks. Assuming they're one dollar bills, a dozen roses will cost $180 to make, but leaves the couple with just $60.

I wasn't a math major, but that doesn't actually seem like a good return to me. If I was getting married, I'd tell people to give me the $180 and I'd fold it myself! ;-)

Anyone out there heard of any of these before? Or maybe other ways people squeeze extra cash out of guests at weddings?

Why You Shouldn't Invite Me to Your Wedding

Smart Money has a post that's billed as the Wedding Gift Etiquette Guide where they answer basic questions people have about weddings. Here are some of them along with my thoughts:

1. How much should I spend on a gift?

A typical amount, says Betsy Goldberg, features editor at Modern Bride magazine, is $75. If you bring a date, expect to give a present worth double that.

Summer Krecke, deputy editor of WeddingChannel.com, offers a few guidelines based on the guest's relationship to the bride or groom: If it's your co-worker's wedding, you should spend $75 to $100; a relative or friend, $100-$125; and if it's your close friend or close relative, anywhere from $100 to $150 or more is acceptable.

Yikes! Maybe this is why I don't get invited to many weddings. ;-)

Seriously, most of our friends/family are already married, so we don't go to many weddings (good thing too, I don't really like them.) But the last one we went to was my wife's sister's wedding last summer. I think we gave them $250 in cash, though it could have been more.

Anyway, we like to give close family members a good gift and for all others we usually skip the show, send a card and may or may not include a check in it (depending on if we know them well or if they're just sending invitations out to everyone on their list (or their parent's list) to maximize the gifts.)

BTW, anyone out there feel ok in giving a lower gift for a second, third, etc. wedding of a family member when you've shelled out a good amount for their previous wedding gifts?

2. What if I can't afford the $120 five-speed blender because I have four other weddings this month?

They don't have a real answer for this question. I do.

3. Should the amount I give depend on the price per dinner plate or how posh the venue is?

Quite simply, no. A gift is separate from the party itself and should not be considered "the admission price to the wedding," says Woodham.

Ok, there goes that guideline out the window. Seriously, don't people think about this and make sure their gift is over the value of their meal?

4. If I can't make it to the wedding, do I still give a gift?

Yes. "If you care about the couple, you send a gift — not just because you were invited to the wedding," she says.

For us, it depends on how well we know the people (see comments on #1 above.) We don't give a gift to the sister of a friend's cousin just because she sent us an invitation.

5. Is it always best to get a gift from the registry?

They don't really answer the question, but the do offer this piece of advice:

One bit of advice when buying from the registry: Shop early to make sure you have various price points to choose from.

Isn't that what I just said?

Anyway, I prefer the registry if we're attending and don't know the couple well. If we do know them well, it's usually cash.

6. Is it in poor taste to hand an envelope containing a check to the bride or groom during the reception?

Generally, a gift of cash or a check is acceptable — and, for the most part, welcomed. "I don't know of any bride or groom turning down a check," says Krecke. Most couples will put either the best man or a parent in charge of receiving and holding onto checks at the wedding.

Personally for me, I'm fine WHENEVER someone wants to hand me cash. ;-)

7. I can send them a gift later, right?

While it's fine to celebrate the special day with the couple and send a gift later — don't wait until well after the bride's written all her thank-you notes.

How about taking five minutes and pick out a gift in advance, huh?

What's your take on all these wedding "rules"?

When Does "My" Money Become "Our" Money?

The Street takes a shot at answering the question of when couples should establish joint ownership of their money, investments, property, etc. They approach it from the perspective of people living together (not married) and come to the conclusion that it depends on the couple and what they want in their relationship (duh!). But basically they're saying that each couple should do what works for them.

I thought I'd add my two cents to this issue just to get things stirred up a bit. ;-)

My thoughts:

• If I was living with someone, I'd opt for separate accounts. Disaster can happen if you put accounts together earlier than that -- and there's no reason to take the risk. That said, I might open up a joint account to pay joint expenses (food, utilities, etc.), but I'd keep most of my funds separate.

• If I then got married, I would make everything into joint accounts (this is what my wife and I do now.) For me, marriage is two people coming together in all ways, and that means financially too.

• The above said, the one thing I'm not sure of is how I would handle a remarriage later in life. The two points above work for a couple married young, but what happens if it's a second marriage for one or both of them and there are kids and/or a significant amount of money involved? Then it gets pretty dicey. I think that if it was just the money issue (no kids) that I'd still have joint accounts (after all, I'd trust this person enough to marry her, so why not trust her with "my" money?) But if I had kids to care for (which I would), I'm not so sure how I'd handle the finances. I'd certainly want the kids to be provided for (education plus some to get started), but after that, I'd probably open up my finances for joint ownership/access.

How about you? What are your thoughts on the issue?

Do You Know What's in Your Spouse's Wallet?

Here's an interesting question:

Do you know what's in your spouse's wallet?

CNNMoney says that most people have no clue about the contents of their partner's wallet/purse -- much less the complete financial picture for their family. But the piece argues that each person should. The highlights:

You can't come to smart decisions - or even joint decisions - if you don't know what assets and liabilities you're working with and what your partner's goals and priorities are. "You also lose out on the benefit of collective thinking," says family lawyer and financial planner Violet Woodhouse, author of Divorce and Money.

In other words, two heads really are better than one for solving financial problems. The blinders-on approach also makes a crisis more difficult to handle. Should your spouse pass away, you'll be left scrambling to find bank accounts and insurance policies. And if you divorce, you'll be at a real disadvantage in getting your fair share.

Fortunately, the solution is simple: Mostly, what you have to do is talk to each other.

Here's what we do:

• One person handles the finances (me.) I see EVERYTHING since I track all our spending, investments, etc. on Quicken and have done so for 15 years or so now.

• Once a year, I do a report for my wife detailing where our finances stand. We review it together and discuss the situation, plans for the next year, etc. In the past, I've actually prepared a PowerPoint presentation for her, but I'm thinking of simply printing out some Quicken reports this year.

• She has a general sense of where everything is if something was to happen to me, but I need to write down all the details of where to find insurance specifics, investment details, etc. I've put this on my list to develop for her.

How about you? Do you know your family's complete financial picture or just a part of it?

The Value of a Stay-at-Home Mom

Here we go again -- our annual debate on the value of a stay-at-home mom. This year, Salary.com places the value at $117,000. The details:

If a stay-at-home mom could be compensated in dollars rather than personal satisfaction and unconditional love, she'd rake in a nifty sum of nearly $117,000 a year. That's according to a pre-Mother's Day study released in May by Salary.com, a Waltham, Massachusetts-based firm that studies workplace compensation.

The eighth annual survey calculated a mom's market value by studying pay levels for 10 job titles with duties that a typical mom performs, ranging from housekeeper and day care center teacher to van driver, psychologist and chief executive officer.

This year, the annual salary for a stay-at-home mom would be $116,805, while a working mom who also juggles an outside job would get $68,405 for her motherly duties.

The biggest driver of a mom's theoretical salary is the amount of overtime pay she'd receive for working more than 40 hours a week. The 18,000 moms surveyed about their typical week reported working 94.4 hours -- meaning they'd be spending more than half their working hours on overtime.

I originally suggested my own method for calculating the value of a stay-at-home parent but later had second thoughts. But what is the "right" number? Is there even one? Can you place a value on the intangible benefits the family receives from one parent staying home?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Myth of the Marriage Penalty

In tax discussions you may often hear of the "marriage penalty" -- the "fact" that married couples pay more in taxes than they would if they were single. MSN Money says this simply isn't accurate:

51% of married couples paid less tax jointly than if they had not been married, according to a 1996 Congressional Budget Office analysis. The average amount these couples saved: $1,300.

42% of married taxpayers paid more by filing jointly than they would have if they'd remained single, the office said. The average penalty: $1,380.

And a bit more detail for perspective:

The people who got tax breaks by marrying were those with disparate incomes, where one spouse earned more than the other. The wider the gap between the paychecks of the husband and wife, the bigger the bonus. The people who tended to face a marriage penalty were those with similar incomes. Typically, the more they made, the bigger the penalty they paid.

I think it's the latter group that people refer to when they talk about a "marriage penalty." But isn't part of the issue that these people are probably making more money too (with both spouses working)? And in this country, the more you make, the more you pay.

The piece also lists advantages of being married including:

• Workplace health and pension benefits coverage.
• Social Security retirement and survivor benefits.
• Lower insurance rates.
• Automatic inheritance rights.
• Preferential estate-tax treatment.

All these benefits PLUS married people are wealthier and live longer.

How to Make It Rich: Marry a Go-Getter

When I saw this piece on the Girl Scout that sold over 17,000 boxes of cookies, my immediate thought was that whoever married her was probably going to be set financially. After all, with a go-getter like that for a wife, it seems like the couple would be destined to do well (as long as they could control their spending, of course -- you have to play both great offense and defense to do well financially.)

So why did I think this? Because if you can sell, you can make a great deal of money. And someone that has the drive and ability to sell that many boxes of Girl Scout cookies certainly has the drive and skill to make it big in her career.

Ok, this post is obviously a bit tongue-in-cheek. Before I get blasted in the comments let me say that I know there are many more important reasons to marry than for money. But I did (and still do) think she'd make a great catch -- assuming all the other factors were met, of course.

Hey, I just noticed, she's from Michigan. I wonder if she'd wait a few years until my son is ready to be married. ;-)

How to Really Spend a Fortune on a Wedding

Here's another noteworthy piece from my reading earlier today. It tells how some couples are spending big money to make sure their weddings are extra special:

As more than 2 million U.S. couples sort out their wedding budgets — which averaged $28,732 in 2007 — they'll collectively be spending more than $62.8 billion this year to make the experience as memorable and personal as possible.

A couple examples:

At Wedding Ring Workshop USA, for instance, couples not only design, but also make their own rings with the guidance of an experienced jeweler. The daylong process includes lunch, a disposable camera to document the experience and a bottle of champagne at the end  — when Barnes says their faces beam at their creations because the jeweler guarantees customers they won't mess it up.

Nora Donston, 52, also found a unique way to enhance the wedding experience with her business, A Butterfly Affaire in Hemet, Calif. By partnering with a butterfly breeder, Donston farms beautiful monarch butterflies every week and then carefully and safely packages them in individual boxes. When the butterflies arrive, they're healthy so ceremony guests can take boxes and release the butterflies together.

Heh. For an alternative view on this issue, see How to Have Half a Million Dollars at Retirement by Controlling Wedding Costs and More Great Ways to Save on Wedding Costs.

Women with Advanced Business, Law, and Medical Degrees More Likely to Get Divorced

How about this? Seems women with some high-power, advanced degrees are more likely to get divorced. The details:

Women with M.B.A.s are twice as likely to get divorced or separated as their male counterparts. The picture isn't much rosier for women with law or medical degrees.

That is the finding in a soon-to-be-published study by Washington & Lee University School of Law Prof. Robin Fretwell Wilson. Using a National Science Foundation survey of more than 100,000 professionals, Prof. Wilson analyzed data on newly minted professionals in business, law and medicine. Her conclusion: For women, a professional degree is often hazardous to marital health.

How does this impact personal finance? Well, getting divorced, on average, significantly, negatively impacts net worth. For many couples it's the expense of divorce and loss of the economies of scale in spending that impacts them the most. But for the professional women noted above there could be another big hit -- alimony. Yep, it's becoming much more common for men to receive alimony payments. Here's one example:

Take one fellow. Though he earned $500,000 a year, his wife earned $1.5 million. When they moved to California to advance her career, he had to take a pay cut.

When their marriage dissolved, he demanded and won a sizable settlement. It was the only way, he explained to The Journal, he could maintain the standard of living he'd become accustomed to.

What's fair is fair. If a man makes a big salary and gets divorced, he often has to pay alimony. So if a woman makes a big salary and she gets divorced, then she should have to pay too, right?

Still, it's a big hit for them all if a divorce occurs. From a financial standpoint, it pays to work out your differences if at all possible.

10 Tips to Set Your Money Future Before You Get Married

MSNBC list 10 money-related tips for couples who are planning to get married. In particular, these two seem to be especially worthwhile to me:

Be completely up front with each other about how much money you earn, spend and owe. Be honest about any and all debts, child-support obligations, alimony payments, business loans and other key financial details.

In addition to adopting a policy of full disclosure when it comes to debts and other potentially challenging financial obligations, also keep your partner informed about events that affect your balance sheet in a positive way, such as bonuses, inheritances and other expected or unexpected windfalls.

In other words, spill the beans -- completely. Each of you should share the full-force of your financial past and present. Otherwise, your financial future (as well as any other future) could be pretty rocky.

I've confessed before that we really didn't talk much about money prior to getting married. That said, we were both older, more established and earning good salaries. We were also compatible in thinking when it can to money (though we really didn't know this), so it all worked out. In hindsight, we should have hashed it all out up front just to be sure.

The piece also suggests you should think about using joint or separate accounts. Their thoughts: 

Joint or separate accounts? While this is a highly personal decision, many financial advisers recommend that couples have joint accounts for pooled savings, investments and household expenses. Then each person may want to establish separate checking accounts for discretionary spending.

I know this is not a very popular position today, but I'm a "joint account" proponent. What's mine is hers and what's hers is mine -- so why do we need separate accounts? There's none of this "my money" or "your money" -- it's all "our money." Hence our finances are all in joint accounts.

Those of you who advocate separate accounts can now feel free to berate me in the comments section. ;-)

Update: I forgot to mention that while we have all of our money held in joint accounts, we do have amounts set aside that we each can spend on whatever we want. We call them personal accounts. They aren't "accounts" per se (as in a formal checking account), simply budgeted items we can spend on whatever we want. So when I go to the bike store and get a new jersey, I simply say "I'm taking this out of my personal account" and all is well -- my wife knows I'm spending part of the money we have set aside for me to spend however I want to.

This is how we manage to have all of our money held jointly and yet still have dollars set aside that we each can spend as freely as we want. I was seeing in the comments that many people felt (or at least implied) that people couldn't do both, but since we do accomplish both tasks, I thought I'd give a bit more explanation.

Money and Marriage

MSNBC has an article on money and marriage that gives several conclusions from a 74,000-person survey. Some of the highlights:

After years of being conditioned to believe that men relish the role of primary provider, researchers were surprised to discover that just 12 percent of men surveyed said they’d mind if their wife earned more than they do, and in general men seemed happy to share the breadwinner role.

Not sure what the "big deal" is here. I'd LOVE it if my wife made more than I do now. Besides, we view everything as belonging to both of us, so what's the difference who makes it?

Couples also were hesitant to tie paychecks to purse strings. The vast majority of both men and women surveyed said they didn’t think the spouse who makes more money should have more say in financial decisions.

We have equal decision-making authority, but I'm kind of surprised at this finding. Seems to me that many people have "his" and "hers" incomes divided up. Maybe they mean that people are ok with joint decisions for the portion of their money that both contribute, but not "their" own money.

Overall, however, money remains a relatively common source of marital strife, with about half of all couples saying they fight about money at least once a month. Contrary to stereotypes, couples also said that big money fights rarely lead to steamy makeup sex — or to one spouse being shut out of the bedroom.

We have almost no fights about money. The discussions where we differ center mostly around savings. My wife doesn't see why we need to save so much for retirement, college for the kids, etc. -- she'd rather give the money away to a charity. A noble purpose, certainly, but she's a bit behind-the-times when it comes to money matters. She still thinks $250,000 is enough to retire on and that college costs $5k per year. ;-)

Nevertheless, although men appeared to happily cede the stress of being the primary breadwinner, they aren’t yet always picking up as much slack on the home front. More than 40 percent of women say they do more than their share of housework — and 29 percent of men agree.

I had to put this in for the women out there. ;-)

Here's my take: both people should be responsible for the care of the house and the associated chores. If both work equally, then the chores should be divided up equally. If one works and the other doesn't, the one not working should have more chores (though I still think they should each do something.) Kids should chip in as well with age-appropriate tasks.

My wife is at home and does most of the houshold chores. The kids do the dishes, fold laundry, gather up the trash, shovel snow (a bit), and are even making a few meals now. I handle all the outside tasks (lawn mowing, snow removal, leaf raking, etc.), take care of home repairs (anything from changing light bulbs to fixing a sink), take out the trash, and manage our finances. And, of course, I handle any mouse-in-the-house related issues (once a problem for us, but I think I've now defeated them.) ;-)

Anything you'd like to add on the issue of money and marriage?

Who Should Pay for a Date?

Here's an interesting question:

Who should pay for a date?

The options that seem the most likely:

• The man
• They split the cost
• The couple takes turns
• Whoever invites the other one out
• Whoever makes the most money

Here's an MSNBC survey of 74,000 online readers about who pays for a dinner date. Some key findings:

• Almost two-thirds of men, especially younger ones, said they want women to chip in after a few dates.
• Forty-four percent of women are bothered if a man expects them to help pay.
• Fifty-seven percent of women, especially younger ones, always offer to pay (even on the first date), but 34 percent of them are bothered if a man accepts — and 46 percent are bothered if he refuses.

Guys tend to follow the trusted traditional etiquette — at first. But it’s becoming a courtesy for gals to offer after that. Those who don’t could offend many expectant guys. But tossing them an offer throws them into a fool’s game: If guys accept or refuse, they risk offending gals.

Couples who stay together usually establish some kind of tab-sharing system around the third month. About half of surveyed people said that was the case. But over the entire courtship, 8 in 10 surveyed men said they end up covering most dating expenses. Even guys who make less than their girlfriends pay more, according to the survey.

Here's my take. Granted, I'm a mid-40's guy, so maybe I'm a bit dated. Anyway, my thoughts:

1. I don't think I've ever dated anyone where I didn't pay for the dinner, movie, or whatever. Sure, she may have picked up something small here or there, but I paid for almost every dating expense I can think of.

2. I was fine with this arrangement. Back in my day (just after the dinosaurs and before the birth of Christ), that's just the way it was -- men did the asking out and men did the paying.

3. I also made more than most of the women I dated, so it made sense economically for me to pay.

4. When we go out to dinner, I still pay, though ultimately the money for the date is both of ours. So while I handle the transaction, the expense is one our family absorbs.

5. If I was dating today, I think I'd still pay for most of the dates, but I'd be fine with a woman who wanted to pay once in awhile. And if she insisted that we split the costs each time, I'd be fine with that too.

How about you? Who do you think should pay for dates?

The Marrying for Money Debate Goes On

Yesterday I talked about how MSNBC says finding a mate can cost you $40k but I skipped over something later in their article that I found as interesting as the $40,000 comment. Here it is:

Nearly 70% of women and 50% of men said they were interested in marrying for money, according to a Prince & Associates survey of 1,134 men and women earning $30,000 to $60,000 a year. When asked just how much money it would have to be, in all cases it was over $1 million in net worth and, in some instances, as high as $2 million.

We've talked before about marrying for money and the general consensus was that people would NOT marry for money, but that it played a role in the marriage decision for most. This information seems to indicate that mid-level earners would be willing to heavily weigh the money issue if the person they could marry had a substantial net worth (I know some will say $1 million is not that much, but statistically it puts you in the top 10% of all net worths in the U.S.)

Personally, I already have a decent net worth, so if I ever was single again someone would really have to have MAJOR amounts of money before the issue ever entered into my decision. But would I consider marrying someone, say with $50 million in net worth, just for their money? No, not just for their money. But if I cared for them and they had $50 million, that would be an interesting decision.

On the other hand, what about someone deeply in debt? For me, if I loved a person and was convinced their debt was something they now had a handle on (in other words, they'd changed their spendthrift ways, the issues that had caused the debt were one-time situations, etc.), then I'd marry them, assume the debt, and pay it off. But if they consistently spent money like there was no tomorrow, there's no way I'd get married to them. A big ship can sink even from a little leak, and I'm not going to let someone ruin 20 years of work and saving in a few years. I'd give them a chance to change and then decide on marriage, but if they were unwilling or unable to control their spending, I'd have to move on.

Unless she was REALLY hot, of course.

Ok, I just had to throw that last sentence in to get some of you riled up. I was joking. Mostly. ;-)

What's your take on the issue?

Finding a Mate Can Cost You $40,000

I found this article around Valentine's Day and am just getting around to posting on it now. MSNBC says that dating (the point up until you find a spouse) can cost you a boatload of money. The summary:

The first date is just the start of what may turn out to be the largest spending spree of your life. With the average courtship before a marriage lasting about two and a half years, dating is an increasingly expensive venture. Flowers, presents, dinners, and movie tickets are just the start of the list of items single men need to factor into their budgets, dating and relationship experts said. And don't even get us started on the costs of maintaining a long-distance romance.

By the time you head down the aisle, you can easily have spent more than $40,000 on vacations, jewelry, wedding expenses, and meals out, according to our calculations.

Wow.

Ok, I have a few thoughts on this:

1. There's no way I spent close to this on my wife. We dated for only a few months, mostly went out to eat and to play volleyball with a church group, and the most expensive thing we did as a couple (trip to a large sporting event) was paid for by my employer.

2. Now if you add in all the other dates/romances I had before I met my wife, maybe you're in the $40k range. ;-)

3. If it had cost me several times $40k to date my wife, it still would have been a GREAT deal for me. Financially, she's saved us many times that in how she shops, saves, etc. Non-financially, I'm not sure I could imagine life without her.

I'm sure there are lots of "cheap ways to date" ideas out there. What are your suggestions for not spending a fortune on dating?

How to Divorce the Right Way Financially

The Wall Street Journal has some great tips on how to divorce the right way (at least financially). They suggest you cut out the lawyers and negotiate the separation agreement yourself (then get it looked over by different lawyers) The other key suggestions they have:

• Avoid the legal arms race because it will hurt both of you. As you negotiate a settlement, every dollar of legal costs incurred likely means 50 cents out of your pocket. Trust me: There are cheaper ways to work through your anger.

• Having the ex-spouse around the corner might seem uncomfortably close. But if you have children, it probably means you will see less of your former spouse. There are no awkward drop-offs and pickups. Instead, the kids just walk back and forth.

• Maintain a reservoir of goodwill, because you'll need it. It will be your week with the kids, your boss will have other plans -- and you may need your ex-spouse to bail you out.

• If your ex ends up with a little more money in the divorce or goes on to do well financially, don't let it eat away at you. In all likelihood, your children will be the ultimate beneficiaries.

• Think of your relationship with your ex-spouse as a business relationship. Forget the bad blood. Ignore stuff that isn't your business. Instead, focus on the task at hand, which is raising the children.

Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with this issue, but we have good friends that are going through a divorce right now. I printed the article out for them and hope it can help make a tough situation just a bit better.

For some marriage and money posts, check these out:

• Big Money Blunders to Avoid: Getting Divorced

• Solve Marriage Spending Differences by Having a Personal Account

• The Relationship Between Money and Sex

• Unhappy Couples Staying Married Because of Money

• How Much Would You Spend Without Asking Your Spouse?

Update: Here's another divorce-related money post -- this time from MSN Money.

Do You Check with Your Spouse before Making Large Purchases

It's been awhile since I've discussed this issue, so when I saw that one Wall Street Journal writer had a "$500 rule" (she wouldn't spend more than $500 without talking to her spouse first) it made me think that we should discuss this issue again since there are so many new people here at Free Money Finance.

In How Much Would You Spend Without Asking Your Spouse? I noted:

In its September issue, Money magazine said that the average amount spouses say they've spent or would spend without asking their partner was $455.

I also said that our limit is more around $200. My wife won't spend more than this without some feedback from me (unless I waive my right to comment, as I did with a recent vacuum purchase) and I won't spend more than $200 without feedback from her (that's why I'm VERY skilled at buying things for $199.) ;-)

Anyway, do you have such a rule with your spouse? If so, what's the limit? If not, why?

Help a Reader: Fiance Money Troubles

Here's a comment recently left by a reader to my post titled Would You Marry for Money:

I am a woman in my early 50's from Michigan. I was to be remarried to a man I love, this coming August. It has recently come to my attention, that my fiance has huge debt. I knew he had some, but never dreamed it was this high. There is $50,000 in credit card debt, (which is more than what his anual income is) there is a first mortgage, 2nd mortgage, car loan, and another type of loan. This is making me very nervous and upset. I stand to inherit a significantly large amount of money, and I want to protect it, and feel I can with a pre-nup. However, my concern is the income that comes from my career. If I marry him do I assume his debt? Will I be held accountable for it if he can't pay it? Can my wages be garnished if he fails to pay? If I don't assume his debt , will the creditors honor that, or will I be paying for atty.s all the time? In the meantime, I have called off the wedding until I can gather all the facts that I need to make a better and wiser decision.

What do you suggest she do?

Would You Marry for Money?

A WSJ blog recently covered the issue of marrying for money. They cited the following study:

According to a survey by Prince & Associates, a Connecticut-based wealth-research firm, the average “price” that men and women demand to marry for money these days is $1.5 million. The survey asked people nationwide: “How willing are you to marry an average-looking person that you liked, if they had money?”

So, what do you think of this? Would you marry an average-looking person that you liked, if they had money? If so, how much money would they have to have to make you take the plunge? And looked at another way, would you marry a very attractive person if you knew he/she was marrying you for your money?

Is It Worth It for a Spouse to Work?

Here's an interesting comment I received on my post titled Tax on Marriage. The post itself, as you might imagine, was about taxes on married people. But this comment hit at another worthwhile point -- whether or not it is worth a spouse working versus staying home with the kids.

We did the math 22 years ago with 2 kids - newborn & age 3. We found I would be working full time to come out $50/month ahead after childcare and second car. I decided to stay home, clip coupons, sew more and drop the second car -- walking to store & library with the kids.

Next 5 years were really tight. But: 1) Kids learned to read before school 2) spouse's carrier did better as he could concentrate on breadwinner role & we moved easier to further carrier progress 3) I got really good at money management (and sewing ) 4) and a better cook 5) probably a LOT more I can't think of right now.

That said -- it is not something I would recommend for anyone whose marriage is in any way shaky.

Now shooting for early retirement. Children are self supporting engineers -- no debt (well new grad - Chem Eng has about 3K left on her car note - establishing credit).

I think about going back to work but paying the taxes I would incur as a second income in a high income family is a disincentive! Besides with the kids gone now I can finally travel with my husband on business- not easily done when raising children.

I worry about how this skewed thing in the tax code will impact our children. It does not encourage highly educated couples with strong earning potential to pursue two carriers. It is a success tax .

BTW - I still clip coupons.

This brings up a really great point: before you assume it's worth it for both spouses to work, do the math. If you're running yourself crazy for a pittance (in this case $50 a month), is it really worth it? Probably not.

I think a lot people just assume that by having both spouses working is a financial benefit for them. In many cases it is -- as long as both spouses earn a decent income. But in many cases, people are just treading water (or maybe even losing a bit) by having a low-earning spouse work. So don't assume it's a better deal for you for both parents to work -- do the math first and make sure.

Anyone out there done this -- calculated the income and expenses for the second spouse to work? What were the results?

My Wife and I Make a Great Super Bowl Team

Those of you old-time Free Money Finance readers will remember all of my posts on the book The Millionaire Next Door a couple years ago. Well, I was looking through some of those the other day and stumbled upon MND: Great Offense and Great Defense. The premise of this post was that millionaires play good financial offense (they earn a decent income) as well as a good financial defense (they are frugal and spend wisely.)

I then got to thinking about how my wife and I manage playing financial offense and defense. It goes as follows:

1. I play the offense for our family. I'm the only one working a job for which I get paid (my wife stays home with the kids), so by default, the offense resides with me. Our offense is doing pretty well thanks to a small degree I got 20 years ago.

2. We both play defense. I play it well compared to most, but my wife plays it far better than I do. I swear -- she can save $1 off a 50 cent can of beans. She can squeeze a penny so far that it will become a copper wire. If there's any amount of money that can be saved, she'll do it. (FYI, check out MND: Both Spouses Must be Frugal where I tell about how she once saved on toilet paper.) And we all know that saving money is the key to building wealth. As they say, offense wins games, but defense wins championships. That's certainly true with finances as much as it's true in football.

How about you? Who plays offense and defense in your family and how good are they at it?

Help a Reader: Consolidating Finances

Here's an email I received recently from a reader:

What should you do if you and your partner decide to combine finances (checking accounts, credit cards, leases, etc.), but you, in the past, have had very different personal finance personalities?  I meticulously keep track of all my expenditures and income in a budget spreadsheet, I save all my receipts to check against my statements, at any given moment I can probably tell you how much money is in my different accounts and how much money I have left to spend in a certain area each month (or for the year for more irregular expenditures).  I have an emergency savings fund, a Roth IRA, and a 401K through my employer.  He basically lives paycheck to paycheck, has no savings, does not keep track of where his money is going, and has very little credit (which can be worse than bad credit!).

What do you recommend?  Is there a way to responsibly consolidate, or perhaps a happy medium?

Ha! Welcome to the world of money and relationships! :-)

I told her I'd let you all give her some advice on what to do. Any suggestions?

How to Discuss Family Finances

I'm currently on vacation. This post has been written courtesy of Chief Family Officer, one of the personal finance blogs that's been around for awhile and that I read regularly (though she talks a lot about "girl stuff".) :-) Enjoy!

In order to have productive, fruitful discussions about your family's finances, such that everyone walks away feeling good, you'll need to lay some groundwork so that everyone is on the same page. First, you and your spouse need to talk. Depending on how long you've been together, much of the groundwork may already be laid. Topics that should be covered include:

• Openness about how much money each person has saved, how much each person earns, and how much each person owes. Each person should be able to report their current financial status without being judged.

• Personal views about money. This includes how your parents viewed money and whether they fought about money issues when you were growing up, your degree of interest in personal finance and investing, and your risk tolerance. For example, your risk tolerance might be low because your parents always talked about how little money they had and therefore you feel most comfortable with a huge chunk of cash stashed at the bank.

• Your family's priorities and goals. Financial goals can be discussed at the actual meeting(s), but before that, you should talk about things that are important to you, like what your dream vacation to Paris, whether you want to send your children to private school, and your desire to become a stay-at-home parent.

• If your children are old enough to understand money, decide whether you want to include them in the family discussions and to what extent. For example, I don't plan on letting my children know exactly how much money we make until they are in middle school at least, but I would like to involve them in budgeting decisions when they are in elementary school.

Once you've laid the groundwork, establish some rules:

• This is the most important rule: each person will listen and speak with respect for other family members. There should be no put-downs, name-calling, or statements that may make the discussion a negative experience. Additionally, when a family member doesn't understand something, everyone should exercise patience and restraint in bringing that person up to speed.

• Some families may not be comfortable with this rule, but I recommend that the main breadwinner not be given extra decision-making power simply because of the amount of money brought in. Giving both parents and the children as much decision-making power as possible recognizes each family member's contribution to the family. And if one parent stays home, this rule emphasizes the value of that parent's non-monetary contributions and sets a good example for the children.

• For each meeting set aside a time and prepare an agenda. Unless you can rarely meet or there is a reason you need to settle all issues immediately, schedule separate discussions for budgeting, financial goal-setting, allowances, updates, etc.

Obviously, family discussions about finances need not be formal meetings and can be held at a moment's notice when everyone is around. Making sure the proper groundwork has been laid and following a simple set of rules will help ensure that your family finance discussions will be productive and a bonding experience.

Keys to a Good Marriage? Money Part of the Equation

Here's a piece I initially saw in my local paper, then found on Yahoo. It details a new survey asking couples what makes a good marriage and lists the gain/loss versus results in 1990 The top four responses:

• Faithfulness -- 93% (down 2%)
• Happy sexual relationship -- 70% (up 3%)
• Sharing household chores -- 62% (up 15%)
• Adequate income -- 53% (up 7%)

My thoughts on these:

1. Looks like "faithfulness" is THE key by far. Not a shocker here.

2. I thought money was more important than sex. ;-)

3. Wow! This one's up a ton. I wonder if it's because many more women are working now than in 1990 -- and as such expect help with household chores. In our house, my wife handles most of the chores inside the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) while I handle the outside chores (lawn work, trash, snow-blowing, etc.) I work outside the house and she doesn't, so things would be different if she did have an outside job.

4. Finally -- a money-related item! I'm not really that surprised that it's this far down on the list, though given that money problems are often cited as the reason for divorce, I could easily see how it could be listed higher. It's certainly gaining in importance (up 7%).

For more on money and marriage, see these links:

• Creating Financial Harmony in Marriage

• Couples Differ on Finances (Again)

• Five Simple Money Commitments Couples Need to Make

Wedding or Fundraiser?

I'm not sure whether to make this post part of my money saving tips collection or place it into my set of ideas to make $10k in a year. :-)

Here's a Dear Abby piece I found on Yahoo. The basic problem was that a couple had "friends" who were using their wedding as a cash cow -- to MAKE money. The details:

During the dinner, Ron and Barbie blatantly informed us that they had registered for expensive shower items so they could return the gifts for cash. During the conversation, I mentioned I'd had my eye on a pricey vacuum cleaner I had seen advertised on TV. Barbie turned to her fiance and said, "Honey, we should have registered for that so we could return it for the cash!"

Ha!

Now add in gifts at the bachelor party and the wedding itself, and this couple is bound to make a fortune! ;-)

BTW, Abby advised the couple to politely send a note saying their plans had changed and they had to miss the wedding.

As for me, I'll let the situation speak for itself. But I will include a few posts on buying gifts for weddings:

• Save Money on a Wedding by Renting a Wedding Cake

• How Much Should You Spend on a Wedding Gift?

• How to Save on Wedding Gifts

• How to Have A Wedding for Under $200

Creating Financial Harmony in Marriage

The following piece is courtesy of Marotta Asset Management and gives their thoughts on creating financial harmony in marriage:

No married couple wants a scandal, even if it is just financial in nature. Money problems can ruin the love affair with your spouse. The work of blending two lives in harmony requires certain basic commitments. Many families today are financially troubled. Most of these are in denial. The rest of them are looking for a quick fix. Even a financial planner can't help unless the couple is willing to make five simple commitments. You can always choose to find something to fight about. But if you are serious about removing the financial obstacles in your love life, you should commit to the following money management rules.

First, take the time to provide open accounting to your spouse. Most financial arguments are not about how to spend your money but about how money was actually spent. Just like every publicly traded company is required to give a public accounting of its finances, couples should do the same. In the public sector, it's considered a scandal when a corporation fails to provide its financial information in a timely fashion. The same rules should apply at home. Financial accountability, openness, and honesty are essential in marriage.

Next, make saving money savings your first priority. Pay yourself first. Couples should agree on a savings rate and should prioritize their savings above all other budget categories. Savings should be automated and protected from impulse spending habits.

I've come to believe that savings should even be prioritized above debt reduction. I've found that couples that are in debt cannot seem to get out of debt because they are using what should be going into savings. They are servicing to service their debt rather than adjusting their lifestyle so that they are spending less than they make.

Set a limit on what you can spend without first getting the approval of your spouse. Each spouse must sign off on spending that might be a budget buster. If you are young or your finances are in trouble, the amount should be fairly low. As you get more experience and your finances are in harmony, you can raise the amount. Any purchases above that amount should require the agreement of both spouses.

In the same way, any purchases beyond what was budgeted should require the agreement of both spouses as to which budget category is going to be reduced in order to make up the difference. If your spouse asks you to wait before making the purchase, lean toward waiting graciously. Ask what you would do if you did not have the money at all. Then, do that instead. Delaying a large purchase even by a month can significantly increase your financial health.

Set rules for the acceptable use of credit. In my experience, the easy use of credit cards ruins much financial harmony. It is better when the use of credit cards is limited to only certain required budget items. Using a credit card for groceries or gasoline may be harmless. But when credit cards are used for clothes or eating out, optional spending is unnecessarily inflated.

There are several advantages to using credit cards. But each of these advantages becomes powerful disadvantages for a family struggling to make ends meet. Credit allows couples to avoid asking the tough question about what they would do if they did not have the money. Credit makes spending easy and simplifies check-writing. These advantages are as helpful as giving an alcoholic a place to sleep in the back of the bar.

Either spouse should be able to veto the use of credit cards entirely. Only if both parties agree to the use of credit cards, should they be allowed - and then only within certain guidelines.

Credit should only be used for specific required monthly categories, and then only by the spouse who is less apt to make extra purchases on impulse. If you are struggling with your finances, stop using credit cards entirely.

Agree together that ignorance will not be used as an excuse. Both parties must be willing to learn. Just like a good love life, finances cannot be handled well by just one party. Many problems stem as much from ignorance and abdication by one party than spending by the other. If you don't have the time or the interest to be involved in the family's finances, then you may be the problem. Ask for help and start learning.

Couples Differ on Finances (Again)

One theme I see over and over again as I read various personal finance books, magazines and websites is that husbands and wives often have different thoughts, feelings, expectations and the like when it comes to money. Consider the following from Kiplinger's June issue:

More than 80% of affluent married women say they share equally in making financial decisions with their husbands. But only 44% of husbands agree.

Ha!

My wife and I do not share equally in making financial decisions (at least that's what I'd say -- who knows her take on it?) We do make the overall decisions together (such as "we'll save for retirement") but then I execute the plan (how we save, where we save, etc.) We also have two times of the year when we discuss the big picture parts of our finances -- in December when we make our budget for the next year and in July when I give her my annual update on our net worth. Working this way is not a bad thing at all -- I enjoy managing the money and she doesn't want a lot to do with it.

For some more interesting tidbits on money and marriage, see these links:

• Solve Marriage Spending Differences by Having a Personal Account

• The Relationship Between Money and Sex

• Unhappy Couples Staying Married Because of Money

Husbands and Wives on Different Pages When It Comes to Retirement

Here's a real shocker -- husbands and wives often have vastly different ideas on what their retirement will be like. Ha! Re-read that last sentence and replace "retirement" with anything else (like "vacation," "weekend," "entertainment" and so on) and it will be just as accurate. ;-)

But here are some hard facts from Yahoo on the issue as it relates to retirement:

Among more than 30% of couples, husbands and wives had completely different answers when asked about the age they plan to retire, what kind of lifestyle they expected in retirement, and whether they planned to keep working in retirement.

Only 39% of couples gave matching answers when asked which source of income would be their primary livelihood in retirement.

This isn't really a shocker to me. After all, usually one person in the family has complete grasp of the finances and the other simply knows the generalities. That's the way it is in our house. My wife knows the basics of our plans and where to find documents, etc. in case something happens to me, but she probably wouldn't be able to say what our primary source of income in retirement would be.

And I'm sure we would have different answers on when we expect to retire since we haven't really discussed it. After all, it's still 25 years in the future.

That said, I am a big believer in planning and making decisions regarding finances together -- which is what we do when the need arises. We consult each other when it comes to major purchases (like our pending vacation at Disney and our house-hunting) as well as overall planning (we discuss our budget at the beginning of each year.) But so far, we've held off on discussing the retirement questions noted above. We both do know that we're saving for retirement and, for the most part, how we're saving for retirement, but we haven't gotten beyond that.

I would guess that the closer a couple is to retirement the more agreement there is between the couple. But we're in the lower age level of the survey participants, so my thought is that's why we're not as in touch on this subject as some others.

For more on money and marriage, see these links:

• Financial Planning for the Second Half of Marriage

• Solve Marriage Spending Differences by Having a Personal Account

• The Relationship Between Money and Sex