Here's an "interesting" trend pointed out by Money Central. They call it the "nondivorce" but it's really couples simply staying together because it's too expensive to separate. The details:
Though the situation varies, a couple in a nondivorce usually remain living together under one roof, more like passionless roommates than spouses. There are no hard statistics, but some divorce experts say they're seeing more of this unromantic phenomenon, driven by three big financial factors: the high cost of legal fees in divorces, the expense of setting up two households and the difficulty in obtaining adequate health insurance, especially if one spouse has a pre-existing condition.
Ok, I don't know about you, but to me this seems much more painful than going through a divorce. Of course, if there are kids to consider that's a whole different story (which the article does mention), but to simply stay together for money seems bizarre -- even for a penny pincher like me.
Anyone ever heard of this before? Anyone doing it or know people doing it? Please leave your comments/thoughts below -- I'd be interested in hearing the thoughts behind such an arrangement.
It's no more bizarre than people marrying for money in the first place.
Posted by: cory | February 22, 2007 at 02:16 PM
Okay, I haven't actually got confirmation on this, but I'm pretty sure this is an accurate description of my parents' relationship just based on my own observations of the way they interact. My parents are 60 and 55, and my mom has been a SAHM/housewife since 1980 with only trickles of her own income or inheritance money during that time. She is completely dependent on my father for finances. She's also got very expensive taste and a bit of a spendthrift with little regard for what's actually in the bank account, and she knows that this upsets my father since he's a financial advisor, so whenever he tries to discuss finances with her she just gets defensive and refuses to talk about it. As a result, she has absolutely no involvement in the finances whatsoever except for the spending part of the equation and she therefore is clueless and helpless to handle her own finances. That's why she stays.
My father, on the other hand, has built an excellent business for himself and has the means to provide for himself, and he could afford a divorce, but I think he's afraid my mother would cost him more than he's willing to give up in a divorce. Also I think he would feel guilty leaving her to her own devices financially because he knows she'd just dig herself into a hole that she probably wouldn't be able to get out of. And he's a financial advisor, so my dad has a tendency to place finances higher on his priority list than pretty much anything else, including his own happiness.
The whole situation makes me sad but I can't really tell them how to handle their finances or to just get divorced already. They have to figure this out on their own. I am afraid they never will figure it out, and will just remain unhappily married and unfulfilled, trying to fill the void with external things like spending and drinking and eating too much, until they die without leading a full life. It's too bad.
What annoys me the most is when my mother tries to give me advice on my relationship with my fiance and my upcoming wedding and thinks I should take her seriously, when she wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it smacked her in the face. Finances and marriage are a touchy subject, heavily entangled with a lot of emotions.
Posted by: Laura | February 22, 2007 at 02:22 PM
I don't think this is weird, especially for someone in their 50-60s. By that time, you're thinking about retirement and who would want to give up half of their retirement savings 10 years before they use it? I feel like these people don't want to meet anyone new so if they're fine with that, so am I.
Posted by: Chris | February 22, 2007 at 03:15 PM
This somewhat reminds me of the movie "The Breakup". I think it happens a lot nowadays and people just deal with it beacause it seems easier.
Posted by: Tyler | February 22, 2007 at 03:40 PM
My wife's grandparents are in this exact situation. They still live in the same in the house and are legally married but they pretty much live their own separate lives.
Posted by: Rob | February 22, 2007 at 05:57 PM
I stayed in my marriage for 3 years because I was afraid of the financial cost of divorce. I left when my spouse became a danger to my kids and myself. Then I filed for divorce, and have suffered severe financial problems since. If he hadn't become dangerous I would still be married to him, for the kids' sake mainly but also so that life wouldn't be so danged hard all the time, not to mention lonely.
I know how horrible this sounds to people who don't struggle to survive, but it is reality for many women (and probably some men) who have to give up on the love part of marriage simply for survival's sake.
Posted by: Anon | February 23, 2007 at 12:13 PM
Almost 60% to 80% of married couples get extremely well set in their ways, and are like the Mom and Dad in Everyone Loves Raymond (if you have seen it). They are dependent on each other for their 'undocumented roles in married life', and they just do that, and nothing more. Everything else is a 'pre-programmed response' based on years of habits of eating, snoring, sleeping-times, wake-up times, likes/dislikes, phone-calling etc.
At that point, another successful relationship must look really good, but there is NOTHING one can do about it.
I am in my 40's and can easily see the 'pattern' developing of being set in our ways, and even though we do not like certain things about each other, it is the way it is.
Get to this stage with 20+ years of marriage and then talk about it. I am sure someone who has 30+ or 40+ years of marriage is probably saying, it only gets worse from there!!!!!
So, I agree with it, although do not like the sound of it. But, in practicality, if it happens to me, I'll be the same as the couple who does want to divorce for 'many reasons including the sizable assets'.
KKP
Posted by: Kenny | February 23, 2007 at 06:03 PM
I'm one of those people. I'm 44 and we will be married for 26 years in June. My husband told me in Dec., 2005 that he doesn't love me anymore. He thought he had a chance with another woman and didn't. Anyway, all of this has left a big mess, I can't afford to leave and neither can he. I think he thought he would be able to get a place with her and it back fired.
I believe this started from a mid-life crisis. It has caused more problems than I care to go into. Now I'm left hurt and stuck. He's here and, well, enough of that. I'm so depressed I can't talk about it anymore. I did when this first started, not anymore! It's a sad situation. I don't want to be here anymore.
How many of us are out there? I'm curious. I could use an ear (when I feel like I WANT to talk about it again). I've talked to a counselor and they don't seem to know what to say. This HAS to be more painful than a divorce.
We can civil with each other most of the time. At times I want to scream! I'm stuck here and it's for as long as I can see. Enough boo hooing I'll deal with it some how! I hope!
Posted by: Sheila | March 10, 2007 at 07:38 PM
I am in a relationship that I am unwilling to leave due to the financial advantage of having a partnership to equally split living expenses 50%/50%. Yes I have had a affair with the idea of leaving... passionately the thought excites & brings pleasure to me in a way that this un-intimate relationship no longer suprises me with. I have a time frame set which is a bit of a stretch. I am honestly sacraficing my happiness specially during summer time. I should be enjoying it but instead everytime that I recieve a paycheck I'm placing a great chunk of it towards my student loans. (My chain & ball). Doesn't leave very much $$$ to do things with. I don't go to movies, I don't go shopping, I don't eat out. My clothes are ratty, my hair is plane jane, I have no social life & I brown bag my lunches & work over time whenever possible. On the other hand I no longer owe back taxes, my vehicle is paid off..I own the title...I have no credit card debt in fact the only card I ever owned was destroyed when I toke the scissors to it. Only debt in my life is $20,000. It cost to go to school although it has been worth it in the long run. For fun I run with a Ipod, take walks, & have many animals for companionship because thats how desperate I am. 2-cats,1-dog,2-birds,2-lizards. I'm going to explain that I am living miserable because I choose to because at the end of a tunnel there is a self reward. My student loan will be paid off in 18 months=1 yr & 1/2. If I was living on my own or doing a room mate situation I still wouldn't be able to save as much money as I presently do know to apply towards the school loan. Ya I could move but then I'd be looking at 5 years to have this paid versus 1 1/2 years. I'm 31 & don't want to wait till I'm 36 so I can buy my FIRST home. I've had an affair because I was missing out on the physical aspect of things & the craving just became to untolerable. Yes I cheated at the time I felt bad after everything has been said & done I don't resent it. The only thing that I resent is that I felt the need to leave out of this relationship driven into the ground going no were & actually could not have lived the real thing. I going to give my significant other an allias name...Mark. Mark is 6Ft & 2 inches tall, very easy on the eyes, muscular built, big everywere if you get my drift. The many problems is we are just into different things. I would like to go out to the movies, out to dinner, out to ice skate in the plaza, run out side on trails weaving through scenic hills, I want to go fishing, hiking, camping, spend the night under the stars. Have friends to socialize with take trips to other cities. I want to see the world like Thailand, South America. The only thing I have done in the last 3 years of our relationship is participate in these activities sparsely & all times alone by myself. Mark is like a closet...items falling out that iniatley I wasn't aware of...2kids +1 other kid..why some men don't bother to tell before living together I don't know? I myself never have been married or have children I thought dating a divorced man x2 would be great. A man experieced with relationships. Uhh ya...bad left overs is what I ended up with. We met on the job. He wrote me up & flirted with me at the same time. Honestly it was intriging. I was very attracted to him along with all the other chickens at work. Needless to say within months he wanted us to live with each other & I wasn't ready for I had recently ended an engagement that same year. He was attentive, passion..passion..passion, & fun & involved me with his friends. We moved in together & 3 days later he states he made a mistake & jumped into quick. What? Dont you think you should've made that decision before signing a 13month lease? By the way he neglected to tell me the apartments that he highly suggested & were we have resided for almost 4 years is were him & his ex-wife used to live together. Sick! How about a fresh new start! Same thing with our first Christmas. Our X-mas tree was THERE prior tree & ornaments in the living room. To late I signed a rental lease & I was locked in for the time being. Since the lease has experied & the last 2-years I have refused to resign it. I want to be able to leave @ the drop of a dime with out having any sort of legal financial responsibility ties except 1/2 of the current rent. By the way all the fun stopped once we were together. You really learn about a person when living together. Mark would rather be playing online games when ever including sacraficing our relationship time. We work together, eat together. Some times he has to sleep on the couth. I can only stand so much. Sex??? Let not even go there. That's a dead void place that I just rather leave alone. I always have me to make me happy if you get my drift. Each month I keep reminding myself why I make this self sacrafice. Yes I have to remind myself daily. I guess the true question is how much can I honestly endure? Sometimes I feel my plan of paying of my student loan before moving is going to backfire because I feel that I'm going to explode if I don't move right away. So only time well tell.
Posted by: Silly Lady | July 29, 2007 at 02:10 PM
i just like to say to "Anon feb 23rd 2007 12.13pm" thats what happened to me only i married for 20years and it was the last three he became violent and even tried to burn down the flat with us in there.the police asked me and the kids to leave that day and i knew i could never go back, finanally it has cost me big time! the kids have come through it, i took a year, but i living in a house share and i feel more finanally secure, but im happier now and dont look back he was a bad man................
Posted by: debra | August 08, 2007 at 03:06 PM
it's so sad to read about so many of you in a relationship that you really don’t want to be in. Life is too short; don't waste it living in misery.
Posted by: | February 19, 2008 at 10:56 AM
From the other side, my parents are in this type of situation and are absolutely happy with it. They have slept in seperate beds for the past 20 years, never hug, kiss, show affection, etc., and they would never have it any other way. They simply aren't emotionally needy people and are introverts. They are like life-long friends who live together. Nothing wrong with that. Remeber that too much passion is not a good thing either.
Posted by: Ryan | February 19, 2008 at 11:25 AM
This is happening alot lately and it drives me nuts so now me and my boyfriend of many years have to be careful about who we meet that are without children. This has happened to us twice now. Two people who are obviously incompatible in everyway but have stayed together for years for reasons other than pure Love, are very selfish and materialistic and decide to get married because there is money between them so they feel they can get ahead in life, which is measured of course only by money and materialism. They could not take care of themselves alone if they tried. They even have seperate bedrooms in there house. They are unable to make hardly any friends outside the marriage because they are both very insecure and constantly boast about the STUFF they have that no one gives a crap about so they are annoying as hell. The problem is...they are both unhappy personally together, fight often,etc. and are both looking for a life outside of there marriage so they totally impose on the lives of another couple who genuinely love eachother and are best friends, compatible in everyway and love spending time together and are not looking to do anything outside of there relationship because the only time they have to spend time together is the weekends and they also have children. This couple tries to impose even on the happy couples family get togethers with other relatives, tries to make plans with the happy couple every weekend either together as 2 couples going out or the wife in the unhappy couple tries to stick her husband with the happy couples husband every weekend because she cant stand to be around him. It's a situation where they are only staying married for the money between them. They cant stand to be alone together as a couple. In 5 yrs i've never seen them even touch one another. They so need to get a divorce, are horribly unhappy and cant find seperate single friends because they are so insecure so they totally impose on other couples. We've dropped them as friends because we cant take the fakeness of there relationship anymore.
Posted by: Wendy | May 16, 2008 at 07:39 PM
SAD BUT TRUE. I have the capacity to be happy, I am a positive and a creative person, my friends love me,ask for my advice & my family & friends think I'm brave and that I'm an achiever (there are events of my life that support that)BUT suddenly self confidence and energy to keep going started to slow down little by little and I didn't notice.
I got married expecting my husband to be somebody who existed just in my mind: I ONLY WISHED FOR A MAN WHO IS ACTUALLY HAPPY WHEN HE IS WITH ME, SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T BLAME "EXTERNAL MOTIVES" AS THE responsible OF HIS MAD MOOD OR YELLING AT ME.
The saddest thing is when I realized that I got married to somebody who is always complaining about the misery that surrounds him.
Somebody who believes that only when things go just the way he wanted to he will able to experience happiness to share moments of joy and smooth talks with me, ONLY WHENEVER HE GETS THINGS THe WAY HE WANTS HE WILL BE ABLE TO BE happy & to enjoy at least a dinner together without staying quiet and telling me to stay quiet because my company doesn't help him at all to feel better.
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE SHAME AND FEAR OF TELLING MY FAMILY THAT I WASN'T HAPPY WITH THIS SITUATION I KEPT ON GOING WITH THE WEDDING PLANS! WHICH WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE PROCESS I WENT TROUGH, THERE IS NOT A SINGLE HAPPY MEMORY OF ME PREPARING MY WEDDING WITH HIM.
I JUST REMEMBER FACES, COMPLAINS, YELLING AND LOTS OF DISAGREEMENT, IT WASN'T EVEN A FANCY WEDDING CAUSE WE COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WHICH DIDN'T MATTER I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY, BUT AT LEAST I WANTED HAPPY MEMORIES OF US GOING TROUGH THE PROCESS OF THE ARRANGEMENTS OF OUR WEDDING together & THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN EITHER.
UNFORTUNATELY MY GUY DOESN'T THINK THAT "LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHILE YOU'RE MAKING PLANS". HE TELLS ME HE LOVES ME, I KNOW is true.
ANYWAYS I DESERVE SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS THAT WHILE WAITING FOR THE ideal THINGS to happen, YOU MUST BE HAPPY WHILE THAT COMES TO YOU, HE DOESN'T GET IT, I AM TIRED OF WAITING FOR HIM TO GET it. I DON'T CARE WHAT FAMILY AND FRIENDS COULD THINK, I'M TIRED OF FAKING HAPPINESS TO THEM.
I would just love to leave this relationship, we can still be friends, cause we love each other and want the best for the other. But i am sick of waiting for his life go 100% perfect so he could have nice words and happy moments to share with me.
SO SAD cause "my happy and enjoy life now Guy" could be out there and I am here posting my story cause I just don't have the money to step out of this life were my man is simply not happy to share with me UNTIL THINGS GET RIGHT for him! ( did I mentioned that I've being waiting for the past 6 years for his perfect life moment stage to start being happy? )
Posted by: TIRED OF WATING FOR HIS PERFECT LIFE TO COM TRUE!!! | July 06, 2008 at 07:18 PM
im married with a little boy 2 years old and i love him so much i which i could leave. but i do not have the money to do so. im not on the doll and never want to be! i got married very young and it proble was not the best thing. my hubsand and i are best friends but that is all i have left for him and we can make ow son happy together and i would never want to take him away from a safe loving home that i have worked so hard for. lifes not always that simple. mybe if i did have the money to do so i would.it's not that i want to stay but it works for us for the time being. im still young and have lot's of time to have my life when money is not so bad. my family knows we have probles and that we have dif rooms but like most people they find it hard to understand. but thats life you just have to work with what you've got.
Posted by: lindsey | January 09, 2009 at 11:02 AM
I have been married for 10 years and i have two children. My husband is a good man but the relationship on my part is dead and i crave freedom every day. Money is what keeps me here. I am afraid to leave and be on my own and i am trying to get the courage up to go out on my own. I am afraid that the standard of living for my kids will drop dramatically and i really dont want that. The love is just gone in my marriage (again, on my part) and i know in my heart i will never be able to be faithful to my husband so i know i owe it to him to leave but its just so scary! i would love to be in contact with anyone who can relate to my situation as i really do feel so alone!
Posted by: no love | January 20, 2009 at 07:37 PM
This response is to Sheila, she sounds just like me and all I will say in I feel like I am concluding just like you.I feel that I'm going to explode if I don't move right away. So only time well tell.
He gave me all the material,luxuries and me not realizing that if he has to pay for all this it leaves me with everything that he use to help with, and now I never have extra money. I am really considering just moving out and take it from there, I will just have to struggle but I do that now so at least I will be a happy struggler, but I would like to get my daughter in college and I am concerned of what is would do to my 10 yr. old son. and suggestions. But like I said, Sheila pretty much said it all.
Posted by: Turtle | April 24, 2009 at 08:40 AM
Dear 'no love'. I hear you. I am in the exact same situation. Except, there are times when I think my husband don't love me either. However, I know he still love me. I wish I had the courage to go my separate ways. I don't what to do. I give myself timeline ultimatum then push the day further into the future when I get close. Contact me
Posted by: Rubina | August 19, 2009 at 09:16 PM
I am in a similar situation. My wife is a stay at home mom. The kids are in school from August 6th through June 10th. In the summer she is with them all the time .During school she is home alone with only the computer and tv and her friends. The house is a disaster, we eat dinner late and the kids never are supervised. I work 40 miles away, so it takes awhile to get home in rush hour, I make good money but i feel shes taking advantage of me. We have not been intimate in a long time. I have strong needs of being appreciated but she does absolutely nothing except spend. its tough...no "love" in our relationship. its just for the kids...
Posted by: Fuzzy | July 25, 2010 at 02:01 PM
Mt husband and I have been separated for over a year. The last year or two we were together was difficult. We had periods of calm punctuated by horrible fights usually fueled by alcohol. The last 6 months we were together, my mom moved in with us. She has Alzheimer's. This really exacerbated the situation. Finally, I found my husband in bed with another woman. Then he left me. I had to put my mom in assisted living and now I have been living here alone. I had started divorce proceedings, but soon realized that I would lose the house (which I sunk 100K into), my dogs and cats, and that I am unable to support myself. I no longer drink, but my husband's drinking has gotten worse. Still, I want him to come home because I cannot face being destitute. I am working, but can't find a job that will actually support me. He doesn't want to come home, but says that he will beacause otherwise we will both face foreclosure and financial ruin.
I don't know how I am going to handle all this because I fear that if he does come home with this attitude, we will certainly both be miserable. Its definitely a rock and a hard place. I wonder if we can co-exist as roomates. He offers no hope for actually working on re-building our marriage. After all thats happened, we still say I love you, but it rings very hollow.
Posted by: Donna Bloomfield | August 04, 2010 at 09:27 PM
I was looking for a site that could put things in perspective for me regarding non-divorce. My husband and I have a low mortgage payment on a nice property, but he does not make enough money to support us. So I have to now make the mortgage payments in addition to my own bills. I stay because I do not want to lose our home plus we have several dogs and cats that I do not want to part with. They are like my children. My husband is an alcoholic and can come across helpless at times and it drives me insane. I too, feel trapped, but with the situation as it is, I cannot just leave. Without me in the picture, the house and everything else would just fall apart. I long to travel and just think about me and make me happy, but if I left, the situation would still weigh on my mind. I just have to suck it up and do the best I can because I know that someday things will be different, especially after I retire. I will be free to go away for respites if I choose to.
Posted by: Tess | October 24, 2010 at 03:35 PM
I have been married to the same man for over 30 years. 18 years ago I had an incredible affair. At the time we had 1 child still at home and the other starting college, so I felt I couldn't leave the marriage. The marriage had always gone ok, but in the past 10 years it's become loveless/passion-less, but we get along and care for each other, and I don't want to hurt him. We are very financially secure with a nice home, investments and no debt. Recently my former lover contacted me, he was getting a divorce. My lover and I still feel love for each other. I've struggled with this since splitting our assets will be financially difficult, and I will loose my medical coverage. I've recently realized that I've lived too much of my life for other people, and I've made too many decisions for the sake of security. I have decided to leave my husband and live again, this time for myself.
Posted by: Laura | September 14, 2011 at 02:32 AM
That is great Laura. Material things don't mean as much as your own happiness and well being. Life is too short to sit around and wait. You have to make things happen. Look out for number 1.
Posted by: vicki | October 03, 2011 at 01:57 PM
Yes, there are people out there living this situation...They stay in a loveless marriage (if tolerable) for finances and family. Unless you are wealthy today, divorce and the aftermath are too expensive; both parties lose. The way they stay sane? They have discreet short affairs or long term relationships with other people. It's hardly a way to live, but it works for them...This is a trend with older couples, where marriage was the tradition. Today, people are living together instead of marrying...
Posted by: DMC | March 29, 2012 at 07:04 AM
I live in a beautiful home, my kids love their home, their pets, their private school, their toys. I enjoy my horses, being available for my kids, being able to focus on their lives and future, cooking, lunch with girlfriends, going the the club, traveling as a family. Trade off is being married to a man that puts his work above all else, gives me very little attention, is always right, punishes me with the silent treatment if I express an emotion, is controling, lacks a sensitvity button, rarely has a nice thing to say, expects the impossible from me and has never felt like a friend but more of a dad. I have a million secrects I don't share with my husband because I can't share anything with him. If I had had a normal childhood with a mom that wasn't divorced and a dad that didn't abandon me, I strongly feel I wouldn't have married this type of man. So yes, I stay in a marriage for money and not love and I also stay to give my daughter a better chance in life then I had. He is a pretty good dad and I don't want to take my kids away from him nor do I want to leave my kids. Since I never had any kind of normal childhood, at least my kids have something closer to normal. After the kids are gone, maybe I won't stay. Hard to say marriage even a bad one does become a habit.
Posted by: Jennifer | September 18, 2012 at 12:22 PM
@ Jennifer Do you have your own separate retirement/investment account? Did you get a prenup?
Posted by: Luis | September 18, 2012 at 12:31 PM