How to Decide Who Gets Your Kids When You Die

I know, I know. This is a real downer of a subject. But money talk can't be all smiles and laughter -- you have to deal with some really hard issues some of the time. And since we'd all probably agree that our kids are MORE important than money, considering the subject of who they go to in case of your death is certainly time well spent.

MSN Money has a few thoughts on how to decide who gets your kids when you die. A few of their suggestions I found worthwhile:

• Lower your expectations. Be real: Is there anyone on the planet, including your spouse, whose parenting skills are perfect in your eyes? So why are you expecting perfection from a guardian? What you want is someone who will love your kids and raise them with the values that are most important to you.

• Widen your net. Many people pick family members to be their children's prospective guardians, but that's not the only option. Good friends, especially those who already have kids, might be a better choice in some situations. A neighbor could be a workable option for an older child who might otherwise have to be uprooted and moved across the country.

• Pick someone "for now." It's OK to have a "placekeeper" guardian, somebody who'll do in a pinch or whom you fully plan to replace eventually. Children and relationships change, and you can alter your will later to name someone else.

• Keep the money separate. Occasionally, there are folks who are great with money and great with kids, but the skill sets don't necessarily go together. It's perfectly acceptable, and often preferred, to choose someone other than the guardian as trustee of the kids' assets (any money, property and life insurance proceeds they'll inherit should you die).

We've applied several of these in our will including:

• We picked friends as the primary guardians. They have kids, share our same values, and are about the same age as we are. Everyone in both of our families are either too young/old, not good with kids, or wouldn't be decent parents. So we talked to this couple friend of ours, got their permission, and put them in our will.

• We put our money for the kids in the hands of my parents (in other words, someone separate from the guardians.) As the article notes, people who are great with kids aren't necessarily great with money -- not that my parents are either, but at least we'll have a couple people involved in managing how the kids are provided for.

• When we made our will a few years back (we're due for an update), we set an executor (a family member) who was older and likely not going to outlive us. This was the "placekeeper" noted about above and at our will's next updating, we'll probably decide to assign a new executor.

For more on the issue of wills and planning how your estate is distributed, see these posts:

• Benefits of a Will

• You Still Need a Will

• What Happens When You Die Without a Will

Comments

[Rhea]

OK, but what about my dog? I am single and don't have children, but I'm concerned about what will happen to my beloved dog should something happen to me. Seriously, I am going to assign someone to take him if something happens to me.

[Blaine Moore]

My brother and his wife need to create wills. My wife was asking me if they had one a few months ago, and she talked to them about it over Thanksgiving. They hadn't gotten around to it yet. Once you have kids, there is no excuse not to have one.

[Kevin]

Our problem is the person we'd most likely send our kids to lives out of state while the rest of both of our families live here. We have a couple other alternatives, but will probably use our parents as the "placekeepers" for now. I think separating the kids and the money is a great idea, by the way.

[Livingalmostlarge]

What happens if your neighbors or friends say no? That they are uncomfortable with the responsibility? Has it ever happened before?

I wonder about this because I don't know who we would pick for our kids. Probably no one.

[fathersez]

This is an angle my wife and I have not considered. We have named two of our nephews as our guardians as well as our executors.

We have discussed this with our children and they seem okay with it. I am not sure if the full implications have set in.

The two senior girls may have some ideas of their own.

THis matter is listed as one of our agenda for the next family meeting.

Thanks for this very relevant post to us parents.

[FMF]

LivingAlmostLarge --

That's why you ask your friends/family first, before you name them guardians in your will.

FYI, if you don't name anyone, the state will decide who gets your kids. Do you want that to happen?

[LivingalmostLarge]

How do you know people aren't just saying yes out of uncomfortableness?

[FMF]

LivingAlmostLarge --

You need to talk it through to make sure.

Also, having a back-up couple helps as well (to take over if the first don't.)

Then, if those two fall through, you're left to the state deciding -- which is where you are now anyway.

[LotharBot]

Keep in mind that, as you update your wills, someone who was previously "too young" may now be an ideal choice. You probably don't want to burden your 19 year old college student with raising your 9 year old, but 6 years down the road, your married 25 year old may be in a great position to see your 15 year old through high school.

(I was thinking of this because my in-laws recently listed my wife as the #1 choice for guardianship of her younger sister. I just realized I'm not actually listed; only my wife is. Does anyone know if that would lead to legal complications?)

[bobbie jane]

great topic. Untill recently we always assumed our parents would do it. But we want them to stay grandparents, and also we want a more permanant assingment.
I love the idea of separating guardianship and money responsibilities, I never thought of that, and it actually clears up our decision.
also, if the person/people you talk to are really likley to say yes out of uncomfortableness, then you aren't talking to the right people. This isn't a casual question, it is a whole conversation, and it should be returned to as time passes and lives change.
My bro in law and his wife are set to take care of our kids for now, but if they end up with 3 kids of their own, they may feel differently. It is an open topic, after all, if I can't have an open honest talk with the person, I sure don't want them taking care of my kids!