The following is excerpted with permission from How to Become a Better Negotiator, Second Edition by Richard A. Luecke and James G. Patterson (AMACOM 2008). Since negotiating is important to success in personal finance (for saving on purchases, asking for a raise and so forth), I thought this piece on how to handle conflict in a negotiation was worthwhile.
Left alone, serious conflict will fester. Someone has to step up to it and move it toward resolution. Consider the following six approaches.
#1: Confront Gently
This technique calls for openly confronting the situation, but in a diplomatic manner. You'll know that you are being successful at gentle confrontation if you can answer yes to all three of these questions:
- Has the other person's behavior changed?
- Have you preserved the self-esteem of the other person?
- Have you preserved the relationship?
Here's how to prepare for gentle confrontation:
- Maintain control of your emotions. Avoid overreacting.
- Rehearse what you plan to say. Practice makes perfect.
- Make sure you're aware and in control of your voice, body, and facial expression.
- Be willing to listen—and don't interrupt while the other person is telling his side of the story.
There are six elements to constructive assertive but gentle confrontation. These are widely taught to new supervisors and managers but can be applied to negotiating situations in which the behavior of the other side is getting in the way of a good outcome:
1. Objectively describe the undesirable behavior you're trying to change. Do not be subjective; do not be personal.
2. Identify the specific and negative tangible effects of the behavior. Don't attack the person—that will only put him or her on the defensive. Instead, attack the problem. For example, don't say, "Your frequent tardiness tells me that you don't think our meetings are important." Instead say, "Your coming late makes it impossible for the other people on this panel to get their work done."
3. Don't lecture. Nothing turns people off more than being talked down to, lecture style.
4. Listen to the other person's response; don't be tempted to interrupt.
5. Describe your future expectations in specific terms.
6. Gain commitment or agreement from the other person. Either you can ask him if he agrees, or you can say, "This seems like a reasonable request, doesn't it?" While you're saying this, look the other person in the eye, and look for agreement.
Most people want to be reasonable. Getting the other side to agree that you are being reasonable can be a powerful tool in resolving conflict—with either a problem employee or a difficult negotiating counterpart. It can move the other side to show reasonableness as well, and that may mean a bigger concession to you in the future.
Most people want to be reasonable.
With that advice in mind, how would you tackle the following situation:
Your team is negotiating to buy a large allotment of jet fuel. Jerry, one of the sellers, has raised and lowered the price of the fuel several times without explanation. How can you handle this situation using the assertive confrontation model?
Hint: Be polite. Be specific. Describe the effects of those erratic price changes on your business—and your ability to remain a customer. Then ask for something specific. Ask for commitment.
#2: Say No Assertively
One test of assertiveness is the ability to say no. Do you often find yourself saying yes to requests when you really want to say no? Are people always asking you for many small concessions because you're a pushover? If so, you need to be assertive—to stand up for your interests and say no. Using the principles of assertive confrontation, how would you say no in the following cases?
- The demanding customer. You must refuse the other side's demand for an extended warranty on the framing implements you're trying to sell because such a practice is not followed in your industry.
Hint: First, explain that your boss would never agree to such a demand. Second, offer an alternative (people are more likely to agree with you if you offer them an alternative). Perhaps you could extend such an unprecedented warranty if the other side locks in to a longer-term contract. Third, ask for commitment and understanding. The wrong way to respond is to say, "I said no. What part of no don't you understand?" Put yourself on the receiving end of that message. How would it make you feel? Keep in mind that you want to say no but at the same time preserve the relationship.
- The boss asks for too much. Your boss has just asked you to stay late again to work on a proposal that is due. You don't mind pitching in when there are emergencies, but her requests for working after hours have become routine. If you don't push back, you're afraid you'll soon have a 10-hour-per-day job.
Hint: State, "I understand that the proposal is important. As you know, I've stayed late three nights in a row to work on this. But tonight I have important family business I must attend to. However, I'd be glad to come in a half hour early tomorrow to work on the project. Doesn't that seem fair to you?"
#3: Disarm the Opposition
Sometimes the other person has a legitimate beef. If you deny that reality, the other person will be angry and the problem will get worse. By acknowledging that the other person is right, you will have taken an important step toward diffusing the crisis. Let's assume that a police officer pulls you over for speeding (yes, you were driving too fast).
Usual Defensive Approach
You: What's the problem? I wasn't speeding. My friend sitting right here will vouch for me.
Police officer: Don't tell me that. My speedometer doesn't lie.
- How would you disarm the opposition?
- What might the officer say?
Hint: Surprise the officer. He expects you to deny that you were speeding. Admit it. You can use the same technique while negotiating. Just don't overdo it; if you get predictable, you'll lose effectiveness.
#4: Handle Your Anger
Tough negotiations often generate friction, which easily takes the form of anger. Anger in turn makes what might have been a win-win negotiation a win-lose contest, which isn't good for either side—particularly for the one with the weakest negotiating hand. So do whatever you can to diffuse anger. Never tell another person, "Don't be angry." Instead, encourage the person to tell you what's angering her.
There are some things to do with an angry person:
- Listen. Maybe the person has a right to be angry.
- Don't argue, even if that is what the person wants. A person's feelings are neither right nor wrong. Perhaps the other person's self-esteem is in the Dumpster. Compliment him whenever possible.
- Ask open-ended questions—not yes/no questions—to uncover the reason for the person's anger.
- Demonstrate empathy. Use the reflective listening technique of occasionally paraphrasing the other person's words.
- If you're in the wrong, admit it!
- Encourage cheerfulness, and use light humor whenever possible.
But the other side isn't always the angry party. You may be the angry one. If you feel you're in danger of really exploding in anger, consider these suggestions:
- Go for a walk by yourself to get away from the problem for a while. That separation may clear the way for more constructive, positive thinking.
- Write an angry letter—but don't send it. Writing the letter will get the anger out of your system without hurting anybody. It will also force you to clarify your complaint.
- Then write a calmer, more rational letter. Either send it to the person who angers you or use the act of writing as a rehearsal for facing the individual in person.
What should you do if the rational approach doesn't work and the other side is dismissive of whatever is upsetting you? Sometimes a good old-fashioned temper tantrum on your part will focus people's attention on a problem. This works best if you have a reputation for being a rational, cool customer. Do it only to get people's attention on a problem; be selective about using this drastic measure (if you overuse it, you'll just be seen as a hothead). Even then don't make it personal. Direct your anger at the situation, not at the other person.
Consider the following situation. You must straighten out a problem with somebody from the other negotiating team, and you're sure that dealing with that person will make you angry. And your anger will make matters worse. What should you do?
Hint: Let the person know you're angry. Be specific about describing what you think is wrong. Stick to talking about actions and behaviors, not about attitudes or motivations. Listen. Look for solutions to the problem so that everybody wins. You can influence and persuade others by not yelling and by remaining in control.
#5: Appeal to a Powerful Third Party
Sometimes a gentle approach to a problem won't work. The other person may not want to compromise; he may not be interested in finding a win-win solution to the conflict. He may want to use power to solve the conflict. In that case, you may have to do the same—by appealing to a more powerful third party. Use this tactic only when winning is very important, because it will certainly create ill will. Here are two examples of appealing to a third party:
1. Your company is involved in a labor dispute that, after being stonewalled by the local union, you take to the state labor board. This third party will impose a settlement that may please neither side.
2. You have reached an impasse with the person with whom you are negotiating a supplier contract. As a longtime supplier, you've always enjoyed an amiable relationship with this company, and its contracts have always benefited both parties. But the new purchasing manager seems cut from different cloth. He is being extremely unreasonable, pressing you so severely on price that you will be unable to make any money on your sales to his company. You wonder if this newcomer is trying to impress his boss with his negotiating toughness at your expense. So you take a drastic step: You contact his superior and ask, "as a longtime and reliable supplier to your corporation," that you be allowed to bring in someone else to negotiate with you.
#6: Trade Places with Your Antagonist
One of the most effective ways of diffusing conflict is to get each party to walk a mile or two in the other person's shoes. You can do this through a role-playing exercise in which each party adopts the other person's perspective and interests. If done well, this exercise sensitizes each of the parties to the other's concerns and helps each understand the source of conflict.
To use this strategy, ask the other person to (a) write down her side of the dispute, and (b) write a paragraph in which she describes your viewpoint—as she understands it. Then, you do the same. Now, exchange the written information and discuss the differences. Once you've done that, trade places, with you arguing her point of view and she arguing yours. This is a powerful exercise when both parties take it seriously and do their best to represent the views of the other side.
Recent Comments