Government Steps Up Efforts To Assist “Stupid” Homeowners

Today in celebration of April Fools Day I'll be featuring some personal finance stories that are less-than-true (translation: they're made up), but offer a humorous take on some of the money issues we all face. The following is a guest post from FMF reader, and humor writer extraordinaire, Kev at Special Kind of Stupid.

On the heels of his plan to freeze interest rates on subprime mortgages for responsible homeowners who simply needed a helping hand, President Bush announced today he is ready to shift his attention to assisting the “stupid, irresponsible homeowners who knowingly bought houses they couldn’t possibly afford at variable interest rates only a slow-witted monkey would accept.”

If put into law, the plan, tentatively titled Operation: I’m With Stupid, would assign a government agent to every homeowner who fits the above criteria. The agent would assist the homeowner with cutting their food, walking their children to school, dressing them for work each day and other remedial tasks that are likely too much for the homeowner to handle alone.

“These people obviously need our help in areas beyond their ridiculous home mortgages,” Bush told reporters.

“How are they getting to work each day? Are they driving themselves? That’s a scary thought. And who buys their groceries? Who helps them calculate tips at restaurants? Who stops them from running around in open fields with aluminum baseball bats in the middle of lightning storms?”

The plan is not without its critics.

“Why are our tax dollars being spent helping these people,” asked Omaha resident and homeowner Shelly Anderson. “They got themselves into this subprime mortgage mess. They should have to pay the consequences.”

Delaware resident and homeowner Clive Johnson agreed.

“The government shouldn’t reward those who make bad choices. It penalizes those of us who have done things the right, smart way.”

When informed this plan would, among other things, prevent these homeowners from driving, holding up lines at grocery stores, malls and banks, and reproducing, Anderson and Johnson changed their tunes.

“This is the best idea I have ever heard,” remarked Anderson. “You have restored my faith in the government,” replied Johnson.

To those who believe this plan is simply a band-aid approach to a much larger issue, Bush sympathizes.

“Look, if it were possible to round up all these people, put them in a rocket and send them to the moon, we’d do it. Unfortunately, NASA hasn’t invented a rocket big enough. This is the next best option.

“We can’t make these people any smarter, but we can have a government agent watching their every move. If they try to stick a fork in an electric socket, our agent will be there to stop them. If they try to rent a Paris Hilton movie at the video store, our agent will be there to take the movie out of their hands.

“And if they try to buy another home with a variable-rate mortgage that would comprise over 80% of their gross salary, our agent will be there with a rolled-up newspaper to hit them over the head and firmly say, ‘NO.’”

Comments

[kev]

Thanks for publishing this, FMF. I hope your readers enjoy it. Only one tiny complaint, though:

There is a typo in the link to my website! It's missing the ".com" at the end! ;)

[Katy Raymond]

Kev and FMF, I enjoyed it a lot! Thanks for the morning laugh.

[JK]

Why are they stopping them from sticking a fork in the outlet?

Actually, why isn't anyone stopping them from putting my tax dollars into their house!!!!

[Bruno]

Great fun (if it weren’t so close to reality). “Life imitates comedy” or something like that. I heard from a reliable source that Congress has subpoenaed a few of these Stupid Homeowners to testify on Capitol Hill where they will, no doubt, be asked if their lender was using adjustable rate hormones.

[Anonymous]

The tip that this story is a fake is actually when Bush uses the word "irresponsible." That's at least 2 syllables above his ability level.

[J in FL]

Ha ha.. I really liked this one :)

[kev]

Thanks everyone! This one was my favorite.

And a big thanks to FMF for sharing these with your readers.

[Rick]

This story sounds like it was taken straight out of The Onion, which unforunately has the uncanny ability to be correct ahead of its time.

[Liz]

Thanks for the good laugh - my only one all day. I sure hope this doesn't come true. Sounds like something the government would actually do to help save us from ourselves. (not ME of course!) ;)

[Todd]

I loved this post and am jealous that I didn't write it! :)

I agree with the other poster that the government agent shouldn't stop the stupid homeowner from sticking his fork in an outlet. The gene pool, you know.

[Renee]

Hey Kev,

Just so you know, one of your regular SKOS fans did read your April Fool's Day posts - all four of them, however, this one was my favorite!