The following is a guest post from Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her new book, Financial Infidelity, is available on her site.
Many of the ways you think about money are influenced by the ideals you grew up with as a kid – how did your parents handle money? Were you aware of a lack of money? Were you told that your family couldn't afford things? Were you given items or money as a reward? Analyzing why you act the way you do toward money can often stop a destructive cycle where people find themselves caught in an endless power struggle over money with their significant other.
Analyzing your family “moneygram” can help you do this. Asking certain questions will give you a window into why you react the way you do to money-related issues, and it will help you understand your partner better as well. Analyzing these “scripts” that have been handed down from generation to generation can help you change your money legacy. The money legacy most people leave is subconscious – a reaction to characteristics and traits they probably got from their families but aren't necessarily aware of. By addressing these questions, you'll be able to turn your legacy from unconscious to conscious, and hand down a different set of values and decisions.
Some of these questions go far back, and may require help from your parents or other relatives. Begin by asking and answering these questions about yourself and any siblings you have:
- Do you/they have successful careeres?
- Are you/they married?
- Has anyone been divorced? Remarried?
- Are you aware of any financial infidelities?
- Has anyone claimed bankruptcy?
- Are they savers? Spenders?
- Are they risk takers or are they cautious?
- Do any financial arrangements exist such as prenups or trust funds?
Then, work backwards answering these questions for your parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents- maybe even your great grandparents! Of course, these conversations will likely be challenging – as many people don't like to open up about these topics, even in familial situations. Obviously, don't press too hard as you don't want to alienate people. But do try to make it clear that you're only doing this for your success and well-being, and the well-being of future family members.
The answers to this “moneygram” will help you discover money behaviors and relationship dynamics within your family. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent overcome and solve money behaviors you face now – and in the future.
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