Help a Reader: Friend/Money Problems

Here's a comment/question recently left here:

I have a different sort of problem - I have a "friend" that makes well over 75K annually and is basically what one might call a miser...he's extremely frugal - to a fault. He lives in a small one bedroom apartment that is furnished with "camping style furniture" from Wal-Mart. His only expenses (which he brags about regularly) are rent, auto insurance, gas and food.

I'm a single Mother and although I make a decent living, I live on a budget. When I invite this friend over to hang out - he assumes that means he's been invited to EAT and that he can eat and drink whatever he wants while he is at my house.

I know that by inviting him over, I'm agreeing to feed him one meal - usually dinner - but he "grazes" the entire time he is at my house on whatever snacks he can find. To boot - he's an extremely finicky eater so whatever I cook for that "one meal" has to be something he likes which is usually not a part of my budget.

He also assumes that he is welcome to spend the night at my house (in the guest room of course) whether he's had any alcoholic beverages or not. Generally he only drinks a glass or two of wine and that's usually over a six to eight hour period. He lives less than 45 minutes from my home and I think he should not assume that he can spend the night. I'm often tired from a long work week and am trying to spend what little free time I have with my Son. When he wakes up in the morning he expects some kind of breakfast!!!!!

Basically - I feel as though he's taking advantage of my kindness. I like having him as a friend BUT I do not appreciate the way he treats me. He acts like my home is a Bed & Breakfast simply because he is too cheap to buy the things he likes to eat for his own house. He figures he'll just come to my house and eat all of those things for free without ever offering to reimburse me for what he's consumed.

I've spoken to him about this before - telling him that when you're invited to someone's home for dinner - YOU NEVER EVER GO EMPTY HANDED!! I've also explained that my Son will be starting private school soon and I have uniform & tuition expenses to bear...and that I cannon continue to "feed" everyone for free. Although he acknowledges this - he still makes NO attempt to lessen the amount he eats or offers to reimburse me.

*sighs*

I'm debating letting the friendship go...but I hate to do this. Any suggestions???

So, what do you think?

Comments

[Pete]

doesn't sound like the kind of friendship I'd like to cultivate unless there are some changes on their end.

when he comes over, just lock up the food, and plan an activity around something besides food so he can't help himself!

[tom]

Two words... See ya!!

[rwh]

Ask yourself why you want him as a friend. What does he have going for him that you like? Does he ever invite you to his place and cook for you? Has he ever taken you somewhere and paid, or at least offer to pay? Has he ever helped you out in a time of need? Can you count on him at such a time? Has he ever done anything nice for you that required a little effort from him?

From what you wrote it doesn't sound like the answers to those questions are positive. If they aren't, just stop inviting him over. If the only time you ever hear from him after that is when do you plan to have him over again, I think you'll know all you need to know.

[rdub98]

Here is what you do: If you can afford it from time to time, suggest that you meet someplace for dinner. Stop inviting him to your house. When you get there, make it a point to tell the wait staff that it will be separate checks. He should get the idea after the first time. If he declines the next time you suggest meeting out, then you will know what type of "friend" he really is. It could only cost you one meal out to find out.

[Rod Ferguson]

Sounds like my friend's roommate. She is the sterotypical "hippie"; hates capitalism, materialism, "the man", the Establishment culture, dependence on oil, etc, ad nauseum. She has recently decided that she's going to "divorce herself from the capitalist society" and just travel around "living on the goodwill of others". In economic terms, she's going to "live free" by living off of anyone who will let her. To quote John Travolta from Pulp Fiction: "So you decided to be a bum?"

It's your friendship, but it sounds like the friendship is one-sided. Either he's returning to the relationship something worth the room and board (and hence - being a friend), or he's just mooching off of you under the pretense of being a friend.

Just my 25 cents.

[David]

If you can't be honest enough to tell him how you feel in a bit more certain terms, is he really your friend? You may just be too nice for your own good, but I would dump him or at least keep him out of my house.

[CF]

As I was reading this, my first strong reaction was "see ya!", but obviously you enjoy him as a friend. I would be absolutely frank with him and tell him you enjoy his friendship, but he's being selfish and taking advantage of you, and until he shows that he'll change, you'll have to move on. If he doesn't understand, let him go - he's clearly not worth it then.

[SS]

Seems like the writer of this has already made up their mind on where this is going by putting "friend" in quotes (since my only other interpretation of "friend" in quotes was cleared up by the separate bedrooms explanation).

Most people already go through enough unhealthy co-dependent relationships with significant others and family in their lifetime than to start forming them with friends as well.

[t]

What is this relationship based on?

[Cynthia]

When I was in college I had a friend just like this. She had tons more access to funds than I did. She lived with her well-to-do parents, drove a nice car, dressed really nice but NEVER had money. Somehow how I always paid for meals, entrance to clubs, gas, etc.

I unfortunately was kind of weak about it and ended the relationship instead of being honest about what bothered me. Part of me wonders if money was just so plentiful to her that she didn't realize she was imposing on me. Another side says that I should of at minimum stood up for myself. Instead, I just didn't hang out with her. It seemed to me she had to know I was struggling to make ends meet - but I should have come clean about how I felt. It may have helped her!

[Jo]

Do you have any other friends in common? Sometimes, it helps to talk to a mutual friend and ask them to put a bug in his ear that he's being a jerk.

Otherwise I agree that you need to suggest to meet at a restuarant or somewhere else. And be frank with him that you don't appreciate being taken advantage of and that you frankly cannot afford to have him as a friend if he continues to act like he is.

[Jo]

This situation and what Cynthia wrote, reminds me of a Friends episode, where Joe, Rachel, and Pheobe stand up to their friends about all the expensive restaurants and outings. I think in some ways people don't always realize that others may not have the funds, especially when the person doesn't say anything about finances being tight. It is a hard topic to bring up sometimes...let's face it we all want to keep up with the Jones and dont' want to admit money is a problem...but unless it is verbalized people don't always realize or think about it.

The problem with this situation is that she has brought it up and he is still taking advantage...doesn't sound like much of a friend.

[Jim]

He is absolutely taking advantage of your kindness.

I'd just tell him up front that if he comes to your home then he's not going to spend the night and that you will not be feeding him. Explain why it is a problem for you. If he can't deal with that then I'd end or curtail the friendship. I think it would be absolutely fair of you to suggest that he should take you out to dinner and pay for it in order to pay you back for all the times he's eaten for free at your house.

Jim

[Trent D.]

This person is a friend, but his actions come across as anything but friendly.

As others have said, he's taking advantage of you. I wouldn't call him frugal - I'd call him cheap and miserly. This is the kind of person who will take advantage of others to any extent to save money. It's really a sickness.

You need to be very direct - friendships are based on give and take. They're a two-way street. His relationship with you seems to be very one-directional when it comes to hospitality, and it needs to change, or the friendship is over.

Be careful also that his miserly demeanor isn't translating into other things - I had a "friend" like this for a short time, and he actually stole from me as well as eating my food and coming over unannounced. Of course, his was out of perceived need, not out of cheapness.

Tell him to cut it out or you'll cut it off. The friendship, I mean :)

[Shorty]

I've got my own strong opinions on this situation. Instead of sharing them, I'd simply recommend getting a copy of the book "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townshend. This is written from a Christian perspective, but *anyone* with relationship problems such as this can benefit.

[anna]

I'm kind of with Shorty here. I'm learning (in my own life) that being nice doesn't equal being non-confrontational. Speaking up for yourself and asserting your boundaries doesn't make you less of a nice person.

[McFrugal]

The solution is pretty simple. You don't invite him over any longer. If he asks why, you tell him that you can no longer afford to feed and house him. Offer to meet him out someplace inexpensive and, as another person suggested, ask for separate checks. Alternatively, invite him to join you and your son at a park for an outing but don't bring any food.

While I try to be sympathetic when I read things like this, I cannot help but wonder why it is hard for some people to just speak up. A friend isn't a friend if you can't share what they do that bothers you without fear that they won't hear you out. Sure it might be awkward and they could react badly. But it is always shocking to me how little sympathy some people have for themselves as compared to others. If, after you discuss this more with your friend, he fails to demonstrate any recognition of your destiny and happiness (i.e., how his behavior adversely affects your life and your son), then he's just not a friend in a real sense of the word.

[Fokas Jewelry]

Sounds like you are being a good friend but this person is not a good friend to you. This sounds like a toxic person for you. You know what the answer is but your good persona prevents you from cutting this off. Unfortunately you could potentially hurt yourself in the long run. If this person has no desire to change now he will never change. Cut out the toxic people in your life and look for good people to be part of your life.

[Funny about Money]

Is romance a subtext here?

If not, why are you inviting the gent over? If you just enjoy his company (and have no designs on his future), maybe you should change tactics: invite him to meet you someplace for activities outside your home. For example: a bring-your-own-food picnic in the park; a hike or walk through a pretty area; visits to museums, community softball or baseball games, movie matinees. Don't offer to pay and don't bring food or wine.

If you have more in mind than friendship, see the comments above. This guy ain't husband material.

[Jim]

This guy knows that there is no "bite to your bark" so he has continued to run all over you. The only way it will change is if you take action. Cut him off now or he will continue the same behavior.

Instead, when he asks to get together, tell him that from now on, he needs to buy in order to make up for the past (same length of time he has been freeloading from you).

[fathersez]

We have a saying in our country.

"Don't catch a snake that is glidng past, put in on your lap and then complain that it is biting you."

It looks to me like the lady could do with hearing this saying.

[Farmwife]

I'm with McFrugal --
"The solution is pretty simple. You don't invite him over any longer. If he asks why, you tell him that you can no longer afford to feed and house him"

Sorry, this isn't a friendship -- this is a cheapskate taking advantage of you.

[Tom]

Hi John!

Can't wait to see you this weekend! I've been swamped at work lately, so on your way over could you pick up a pizza and 2-liter for supper? Yeah, pepperoni & olives; the usual. Great, thanks. Also, I'm out of milk and you know how Sally likes her cereal in the morning, so stop by the market and grab a gallon of milk will ya. Lastly, with gas as expensive as it is, I hate to make a special trip, so maybe you could rent a DVD for us to watch too? Thanks!

See ya Friday,

Susie

[Jon @capitalistmaven.com]

While given the information the poster described, it sounds like this guy is a jerk, I suspect there is more to the story. Perhaps the poster and her friend do other things together besides just visiting? Do they go out to restaurants? Who pays when they go out? I suspect what is going on here is a lack of communication. If the friend is paying when they go out to a restaurant, chances are that one restaurant bill exceeds to the cost of a dozen home cooked meals. Maybe the friend pays for restaurants while the poster takes care of the home cooked meals and the friend considers it an even trade.

[Travis]

That's a hard one because there are always two sides to every story and it would be unfair for me to talk about your friend unless I heard his side. Your side of the story is pretty disheartening and my heart goes out to you. One thing I would suggest is to just sit down and tell him how you FEEL (hurt, taken advantage of, etc.) and then ask him WHY he acts that way. Listen to him very carefully. If you hear any hint of selfishness than you will have to decide if that is the best kind of person you want to be around. Surround yourself with people whom inspire you to be better. I regrettably have to say that I used to be like that guy when I first learned about being frugal. I tried to get ahead with everyone else picking up the bill. I also realized that I wasn’t the only one in the world doing it. I have since changed but often the guilt still remains. If he is selfish like I used to be than he feeds off of your kindness. If you start hanging out in the park, free concerts, and participating in frugal activities he will not only enjoy them but he won’t be as tempted to take advantage of you (I hope that makes sense). This should also aid you b/c now these free activities are allowing you some breathing room to not be taken advantage of so much. Take care and good luck.

[Anitra]

You seem to enjoy this guy's company, so I would be upfront and tell him that with the additional private school expenses, you can no longer afford to feed him when you spend time together. Then you can make suggestions on other things to do, and ask for his input, too.

[Todd]

The guy sounds like a dope. You may enjoy his company, but how good of a friend can he be to take advantage of you like that? Real friends wouldn't do that - that's one way you know you have true friendship.

So I'd agree with the others who said the guy should take a hike.

[Big Cheese]

Talk with him openly if you can. Nicely explain the difference between being frugal (by spending less on yourself which is fine) and being a mooch (sponging off of others') and see where it goes from there.

Sounds like you tried to do this and he didn't get the message. So it's up to you to try again and escalate or accept this and stop complaining.

-BC

[SG]

Marry him or keep him out of your home...