The following is an excerpt from Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel: 100 Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets and is reprinted with the permission of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. The book is a tongue-in-cheek (and a little rough in places) list of "100 dirty little money-grubbing secrets." You don't often see humor and personal finance mixed, so this book is a unique spin on whatever you've read in the past. Enjoy the excerpt!
The shame of this great nation is that witchdoctors, soothsayers, and healers no longer patrol our roadsides. They’ve been forced away by the cold, antiseptic HMO/health insurance complex, which is basically a legalized mafia that shakes down customers for ridiculous sums of protection money. I have no problem with mafias in theory—they exist to fill needs not provided by law-abiding society—but I am angry with the way the healthcare system stifles creativity and simplicity in medicine in favor of impersonality and maintaining the bottom line. Not only does the healthcare machine prevent the discovery of easy, cheap cures, it tries to get people to forget the knowledge of past generations.
In short, the doctor doesn’t want you to know that duct tape takes away warts with just as much efficiency as an outpatient freeze-off procedure. Here are some more of my favorites.
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Coughs can be chased away with shots of hard liquor or, if you want to go a cheaper, less alcoholic route, by eating almonds, grapes, or onions.
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Garlic isn’t only good for staving off vampires. It also stops jock itch cold. Hey, you never catch Mario or Luigi scratching their private parts, do you?
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To soothe an earache, dab a cotton ball with olive oil, heat it up for a few seconds in a microwave, and then stick it in your ear. Also tasty with bread.
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Beat back nausea by downing a light, carbonated soft drink. The reason it works is the bubbles magically make your tummy feel better.
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Momma always used to clean your mouth out with soap when you swore, but if she weren’t so evil, she would have just made you eat up an onion. They make like Schwarzenegger with an AK-47 on all the killer germs in your foul trap. Eat one a day and your toothache should disappear.
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Apples not only keep the doctor away but they also battle light depression with as much gusto as any prescription drug. Not poison apples, though. Those make you fall into a coma until dwarves resuscitate you and help you overthrow the jealous evil queen who gave them to you.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I have a headache, and I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch or its cheaper Malt-O-Meal cousin, Toasted Cinnamon Twists, it magically disappears. When I’m out of cereal, I just lay back and say a soothing word to myself over and over until the headache vanishes.
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If you want to get rid of your cold as quickly as possible, eat lemon slices. They’re gross, but not as nasty as a constant stream of snot flowing out of your nose.
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If your toenails are cracked and discolored by fungus, pee on them. If you have difficulty urinating on yourself, dump mouthwash on your feet. But do not, I repeat, do not mix things up and pee inside your mouthwash container.
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It’s tempting to cut corns off but doing so can lead to infection. A better way to erase them is to get a hold of some chalk, grind it up into a paste, and smear it around the bulges.
By the way, I pulled most of that stuff off the Internet in less than five minutes. Medical degree schmedical degree.
The toenail one cracked me up! I like the excerpts you've been posting from this book.
Posted by: Paul Williams @ Provident Planning | September 17, 2009 at 04:48 PM
HA! Cinnamon is a natural anti-inflammatory. Probably why it helps his headache! Too funny...
Posted by: colin | September 17, 2009 at 05:49 PM
Is this stuff all serious? I can't tell! At first I thought it was a joke, then I thought it was serious, now I'm not sure!
Posted by: David@DINKS Finance | September 17, 2009 at 09:29 PM
These remedies and many more can be found on pages 1424-28 of the Obamacare bill.
Posted by: Pop | September 17, 2009 at 10:13 PM
Of course there are plenty of simple home remedies for commonplace problems...these problems get better on their own, even. The problem is that the US is filled with lazy simpleton's who incessantly beg their doctor for prescription meds to relieve these piddly problems. Believe me when I say it's easier to get on with the rest of your day by just giving the fools their much-desired magic potion instead of trying to sway their fixed beliefs.
Perhaps some effort should be funneled towards educating these idiots, particularly the ones who think antibiotics are the magic bullet for all their maladies.
Posted by: CJ | September 18, 2009 at 01:58 AM
I think the remedy portion of this article is mostly off. Some old wives tales do work.. some don't. But I think the first part was right on. The stuff about our health care system..."basically a legalized mafia that shakes down customers for ridiculous sums of protection money.....the way the healthcare system stifles creativity and simplicity in medicine in favor of impersonality and maintaining the bottom line." ..... Our system makes health care expensive. We could have more doctors. Less demand for them would help lower cost. But our med schools keep 2/3 of those that want to be doctors out of it. Also the AMA lobbies to keep control in area's where they are not needed. You can bet that if aspiran was just being invented today. The AMA would make sure that you would have to see a Dr before you could get a prescription for it. Also..they make us pay a specialist for everything. If you hurt your hand and need an X-Ray. You'll have to pay your Dr first to order the Xray. Then a Radiologist to read the Xray. Now I respect the talent of some Docs... But do I need to pay a radiologist 60 bucks to tell me if I have a fracture of my hand... No... Most any Xray tech would be able to see if you had a fracture or not. They could provide that service for much less. Also, the average nurse could tell you what you need to do for the flu. They would even be smart enough to know you need an xray of your hand if you injured it. We need to get away from this idea that only a doctor knows what to do. Let them handle the tuff stuff. Leave the small things to the ...smart enough but less educated and cheaper people. 90 percent of what is seen in an emergency room or clinic could be handled by non doctors... That could really cut down on our health care cost.
Posted by: Phil | September 18, 2009 at 10:51 AM
Health care costs could be fixed in a jiffy if the US simply outlawed ALL Health insurance companies and required people to pay for all of their health care needs out of their own pocket. The prices that hospitals and drug companies currently charge would drop dramatically (possibly as much as 90%) which would enable people to pay the costs. It's not rocket science.
I arrived at the 90% figure based on a hospital visit for a heart issue my wife had. The total bill was $38,000. But my insurance only paid $3800 or 10% of the bill as full payment. I have seen this same scenario over and over. It's a shame that no one has ever considered the idea.
Posted by: Ron | September 18, 2009 at 08:35 PM
Duct tape is true, I tell my patients that all the time. And yes, people come to see me about their warts. Seriously. Colds too. And mosquito bites. My office has been overflowing with flu patients for the last 6 weeks or so. What happened to treating yourself at home? Honestly. I see mainly medicaid patients, but I bet if they had to pay a $30 copay or cash out of pocket, they wouldn't be taking up all of my appointment slots with piddly matters, making the sickest patients upset that they can't get an appointment. Yet, when I want to purchase medical insurance for my small group, a family rate is $1872 per month! Yikes! And now the government wants to tax this plan because it's expensive??? I didn't ask for it to be expensive! Can you tell I'm a fed up doc?
Posted by: Jen | September 19, 2009 at 07:26 PM