The following is an excerpt from Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel: 100 Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets and is reprinted with the permission of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. The book is a tongue-in-cheek (and a little rough in places) list of "100 dirty little money-grubbing secrets." You don't often see humor and personal finance mixed, so this book is a unique spin on whatever you've read in the past. Unfortunately, this spoof is a little too close to home for me. Enjoy the excerpt!
Whoever said there’s no such thing as a free lunch has never frequented the grocery store sample booth circuit, especially at warehouse wholesale stores such as Costco or Sam’s Club, which boast the most bountiful setups. In forty-five minutes of sample stalking, you can round up a feast worthy of royalty.
On many a weekend day I avoid eating lunch in favor of vulturing my way up and down the aisles, swooping in to scavenge bits of free food from trays guarded by senile old codgers until I’ve had my fill. I used to be stealthy and crafty in the way I went about my sampling, grabbing a bagel bit here, hitting the next aisle over for a cup of trail mix before cycling backward for a shot of punch, then sneaking a second bagel bit. This was when I still tried to maintain a semblance of dignity. But no more. Now I’ll shamelessly scoop up entire handfuls of whatever I can, stuffing all that will fit into my mouth and the rest into my pockets. I’m happy to report that you can do so with impunity. The minimum-wage slaves who shell out the free eats couldn’t care less who gets the food, only that they get rid of it all as quickly as possible. And those workers who do get annoyed when I swipe half a tray’s worth of the Hormel chili they’ve spent fifteen minutes setting up almost never say anything when I make my heist because they’re too stunned at my move. And I silence those who do open their yaps by claiming I’m getting some extras for friends or family.
The sample cart lunch hour is no secret, so you’ve got to be bold and decisive as you make your rounds. Imagine one of those documentaries about the lion on the prowl, times it by twelve, and that’s the sort of competition you’re in for. Lines tend to congregate around the stands set up for the more popular items, but feel free to ignore them and just rush in to do what you must. Personally, I prefer avoiding real competition and preying on the weak. I’ll box out a gaggle of great-grandmas in order to snare a salmon-on-rye square-let. I’ll dart in front of a five-year-old to take the last slice of ice cream bar. Hey, the kid has to learn sometime that slowness is never rewarded. Only when a man who’s clearly bigger and tougher than I gets to a sample cart before I do will I impatiently wait in line for my turn. Luckily, few sample scavengers are bodybuilders.
Two schools of thought differ on whether to strike up a verbal interplay with your food donors or to take what’s yours without so much as eye contact. I can see benefits to both. It’s worth getting to know the kindly welfare granny who’s in charge of the DiGiorno half-slices. A little feigned interest in her bingo night and maybe some coy flirtation here and there and she’ll not only fill you in on when the next batch will be ready for you, she may even slip you a whole piece with a wink. On the other hand, there’s a hefty benefit in avoiding conversation in order to save time, as well as not allow feelings to jeopardize your maneuvers. Say you approach the DiGiorno granny, while out of the corner of your eye you see Caramel Apple Guy is setting up his wares. Due to your courtesy in chatting up your pizza-picking pal, you may be a step slow in beating out the snot-nosed brats for dessert. Choose your path wisely and be willing to live with your decisions.
That's a riot! I love his analysis on taking the right approach and the strategy of it all. What a hoot!
Posted by: rdub98 | September 15, 2009 at 04:58 PM
It's people like this that make the sample experience not so fun for the rest of us with manners.
Posted by: Cory | September 15, 2009 at 06:28 PM
Cory, I think you missed the humor here. I'm fairly certain the author is exaggerating his own actions for the sake of a good read.
Posted by: MelMoitzen | September 15, 2009 at 07:54 PM
I love it it! Homeless people may have to read this post to survive the hard times.
Posted by: Samuel | September 15, 2009 at 08:20 PM
Very amusing! There are some truth in this story, but the manner as to how we should do it should be taken with a grain of salt. It's indeed a good read.
My Well Of wealth
Posted by: Peter Luke | September 15, 2009 at 10:14 PM
Personally, I'd rather do anything other than spend time hanging out at Sam's club for the dubious reward of eating a 'meal' of warmed over, processed junk food. Yuck!
Buying food for yourself to cook at home is one of the cheapest things ever. Sitting down and sharing a nice meal with friends is one of the essential pleasures of being human.
If you can't afford to eat lunch on the weekend, why not just eat a piece of fruit and go for a walk while you wait until dinner? You probably don't need the calories anyway.
Posted by: MC | September 16, 2009 at 07:45 AM
Funny, I guess, but enduring the screaming kids and everything else that goes along with Costco to fight a scrum for a "meal" of cups of nasty yoghurt and microwaved ready meals doesn't seem like a good use of time to me.
On the other hand I got a "lunch" of slices of different types of Ontario apples, cheese and some homemade cherry strudel a few weeks ago at the farmers' market. Still not sure that qualifies as a meal but it was nice.
Posted by: guinness416 | September 16, 2009 at 10:54 AM
If they guy even comes close to actually behaving the way he says he does, he's a pig.
Posted by: rwh | September 16, 2009 at 11:33 AM
For those with a Harris Teeter nearby, their sampling totally rocks. Produce, service deli, cheese & bakery sections.
The sample "bubbles" are unmanned, but for some reason I've never witnessed anyone taking unreasonable advantage.
Posted by: MelMoitzen | September 16, 2009 at 11:43 AM
Y'all just need to relax and take this for what it is, a comical read. I will say however that when I do observe do observe someone swooping in for the kill, and even cutting in line, it's usually the "sweet' little old ladies who don't give a hoot what you think of them. And if you try to outmaneuver them, you'll quickly get the death stare.
Posted by: Jerry Stites | September 16, 2009 at 11:57 PM
That was a hilarious tongue-in-cheek article! We go to Sams and/or Costco most every Saturday with our five kids...and we eat a lot of samples! But we also buy a lot of food there...especially the organic/natural/no nitrates stuff at Costco.
Taking the kids to eat the samples is a great and cheap way to discover what they like. Nothing worse than buying/making something that no one will enjoy.
I've never felt like I was taking advantage of the system. The food servers have come to recognize us and we chat with them a bit. And the whole reason they're there is to get us to buy their food. It obviously works or they'd stop doing it.
Posted by: Rich A. | September 17, 2009 at 12:03 AM