Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets to Free Sodas

The following is an excerpt from Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel: 100 Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets and is reprinted with the permission of Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. The book is a tongue-in-cheek (and a little rough in places) list of "100 dirty little money-grubbing secrets." You don't often see humor and personal finance mixed, so this book is a unique spin on whatever you've read in the past. Enjoy the excerpt! (BTW, this is tongue-in-cheek (said again). I am not, and neither is the author, advocating stealing.)

In the Old West, desperados would never go anywhere without their six-shooters. Nowadays wanton arms toting is somewhat frowned upon, but you can carry the idea into other aspects of life. My favorite application is the free fast-food drink refill—more on that in a minute.

Glory be to those out-in-the-open soda fountains, bastions of the thirsty homeless man, who will calmly enter any fast-food joint as if it was his mom’s house and fill his thermos with Mr. Pibb as the pimple-faced teen behind the cash register pretends not to notice.

When the drinks are unguarded, there’s no stopping you from loading up unabated. Things get a bit trickier, however, when the soda fountain is located behind the cash register.

While we can all dream of a bright future in which the archaic practice of well-defended sodas has been eliminated, we must protect ourselves with a six-shooter equivalent for the twenty-first century. I suggest you establish a cup-collection spree on your usual dining rounds and not stop until you’ve set yourself up with at least six cups that allow you access to the spectrum of whatever food you might come to be in the mood for. A well-rounded portfolio might include Subway, Wendy’s, Carl’s Jr., McDonald’s, Burger King, and Taco Bell. Rinse them out after each use and store them in the backseat of your car.

Are you following me here? Should you ever become parched as you’re making your travels and happen upon one of the restaurants emblazoned with a logo that matches one of the cups in your arsenal, pull it out and storm through the double doors. Hand the cup to the cashier and explain how you’d like a refill. You might get a weird look, but you’ll get what you ask for.

In my experience, I’ve found that cups tend to endure eight to ten refills before becoming too weak and tattered to continue worthwhile service. Every now and then, however, I’m surprised by how long those cardboard suckers can last. I’ve got a Wendy’s cup sitting in my car that I’m pretty sure hasn’t been replaced since 2003. Maybe Wendy’s uses stronger cardboard than the other chains. Maybe I haven’t gone to Wendy’s as much as I have its burger rivals. Or maybe, just maybe, all the bacteria that have grown inside the cup has reinforced its walls. No matter—I don’t question the process, I just appreciate the results.

Comments

[Travis]

Come on really? Normally I like most of the stuff posted here but I think this one is a bit out there. Honestly it sounds s bit like stealing in my opinion...I know some will argue the technical side of how it doesn't say anywhere you can't come back on another day but seriously. You can't buy a dinner of all-you-can eat pasta at Olive Garden and come back the next day w/out paying again nor can you do that at a buffet if you feel hungry a week later. Besides you're saving yourself what $1, you'd be better off just carrying around a water bottle. You will always have a drink and it is much better for your health than a cup full of liquid sugar.

[Philip]

Travis, I suggest you read the first paragraph (in italics) again. This is satire.

[Ruth]

After reading the comments on these excerpts, I have come to the conclusion that America has lost its sense of humor. Or maybe just misplaced it somewhere in the crash....

Being someone with a slightly warped sense of humor myself, I have enjoyed every one of them. And unless you work tech support you have NO idea how badly I need a good laugh every once in a while. Thanks, FMF!

[David C]

Priceless. Thanks for the laugh. Sadly, I do know a few people who would do this without a second thought!

[Travis]

@ Philip. Thanks. been working too hard the last few weeks. Now if only I could retract my comments so I don't look like an idiot for time and all eternity.

[annie]

That was a fun one! I am sure some people actually do it, too! Pat n Oscars cups are paper, not plastic. My teenager has a saved cup and refills regularly.

[Travis]

@ Annie. Growing up my family owned a fast food restaurant and we were constantly kicking out people from a neighboring apt complex. They would come in and try and take handfuls of napkins, straws, ketchup packets, salt, even try to get the restroom key to take the TP. They saw absolutely nothing wrong with it either

[Paul Williams @ Provident Planning]

Actually, at Subway you can purchase a refill if you keep their large size cups. It's a lot cheaper than buying another soda. I think it was about $0.69 where I used to do it. Water would be a better (and cheaper) choice, but if you need your soda fix that's one way to do it.

[Cory]

These posts are hilarious but a little strange.

[betty]

you can get refills on a different day at the 7-11 where i live. also at the zoo. in fact, the Pat and Oscars refills are encouraged, and the cups are the large plastic ones - they are not paper. I am sure if a restaurant didn't want people to get their own drinks, they would put the drink fountain behind the counter!!!

[betty]

you can get refills on a different day at the 7-11 where i live. also at the zoo. in fact, the Pat and Oscars refills are encouraged, and the cups are the large plastic ones - they are not paper. I am sure if a restaurant didn't want people to get their own drinks, they would put the drink fountain behind the counter!!!

[John]

Actually I did this once...brought in a cup and got a refill after buying a burger. Got busted and had to pay.

[olatunji ayodele]

you can get refills on a different day at the 7-11 where i live. also at the zoo. in fact, the Pat and Oscars refills are encouraged, and the cups are the large plastic ones - they are not paper. I am sure if a restaurant didn't want people to get their own drinks, they would put the drink fountain behind the counter!!!

[MC]

I'm relieved to find out this supposed to be satire! But now I'm thinking it's pretty odd to post it---because it's not even funny. So... ?

Actually, I do know people who have probably done this!

One included a guy I dated for a (very) brief time who was the absolute king of cheapness. The only food in his house was ketchup packets from fast-food places--and yup, he had napkins from there, too! He bragged about how he was "thrifty" and "green". He also "forgot" his wallet every time we went somewhere. Amazingly, he was actually an inherited money millionaire (I know 'cause he bragged about it, and I know it was true because his family owned a huge local business.) Go figure.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I can't believe you even posted this. Don't you know soda is the worst thing to drink for your health.

Secondly, I would propose a more healthy approach that my wife and I have adopted...
She carries two clean dinner plates in her oversized handbag. We visit the local "all you can eat" buffetts and load up with a good meal now and then. Collecting plates from around town can be a fun hobby as well. The only drawback....you must go when they are busy. An empty restaurant raises too much suspicion. BTW, the handbag also doubles as a great doggie-bag when we leave.

Thanks for the great money saving tips!
...
...
...
...
NOT!

[RichGuy]

I witnessed this one day at Burger King. A guy filled a GIANT thermos with iced tea, probably 84 ounces or so, and then walked out to his car. 3 minutes later, back again. I thought he must have spilled the first one on his way to the car cause there's no way he drank it that fast. Second refill...same thing...third refill...fourth refill... again..and again. I finally asked him what he was doing and he said he was trying to fill an 8 gallon container of iced tea for a softball team game. Goodness gracious!!

[Rick]

I agree that people have lost their sense of humor. This is kind of like The Onion. There's an art to making an article have just enough of a tinge of truth to it that makes this kind of satire funny.

That said, a lot of restaurants are putting up signs now saying you're only entitled to a free refill if you made a purchase at THIS restaurant on THIS visit. Kind of makes sense I guess.