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January 13, 2010

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I like all jokes in which the IRS is the punchline. :-)

I LOVE money jokes! Used it as a theme for one of the Personal Finance Carnivals I hosted. Not sure if any of these are helpful, but here are few I had found:

-----------------
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
-----------------

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

-------------------
"The president announced new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan "when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." - Craig Ferguson
------------------

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

-------------------

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

--------------------

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

---------------------

What did the car dealer say?
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment!

-----------------------

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he's at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

Here's one I love:

Think no one cares about you? Try missing a couple of payments ;)

http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b170/karassa/motivation/study/20010711.jpg

The Accountant asks the farmer, "how much do you have?"

the farmer says, "I have 100 pigs and 100 deer."

the accountant says, "Well, you don't have much do you. "

The farmer says, "What are you talking about? I have 200 sous and bucks."

da, dum, dum! Crash!

Here's one of my grandmother's favorites:

A business man sees two bums and says, "I'll give a dollar to the one who is laziest."
The first bum says, "Give it to me."
The second bum says, "Put it in my pocket."

Saw this bumper sticker: "I don't carry cash -- I'm married!"

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Mark Twain

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter

I asked an economist for her phone number....and she gave me an estimate.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Who was the most successful investor in biblical times? Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.

How do you make have a million dollars in the stock market? Start with two!

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ...

What's the capital of Iceland? About $20

This market stinks so bad, my 401(k) is now worth only 201(k).

This market stinks so bad, they took away my dart board during a margin call.

You all are cracking me up!!!! Keep them coming!!!!!

An Aggie (fill in with whomever) finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

He again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But Lotto night comes and he still has no luck.

Once again he prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "You have to meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

---------------

A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.

Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.

Blonde: Sure, why not?

Lawyer: Great. What’s the circumference of the earth?

Blonde: (quietly hands him $5 from her purse) Okay, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?

The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself.

Lawyer: “Wait! You’ve got to tell me, what was the answer???”

Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then goes back to asleep.

---------------

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"

---------------

Dear God,

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Amen

Don't try to be a stand-up comic by telling jokes. Personalize humorous everyday stories especially if it is about yourself or someone you know. Jokes can backfire if you are not good at it. Low key humor about yourself, not so much.

What's the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


***Ba da ching!***

The bank sent back my check with "Insufficient Funds" stamped on the front.
I wrote back to the bank asking "Me or you?"

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

How many Wall Street bankers do you need to change a light bulb?

Just one.

But he'll want a $50 million bonus to do it.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met up with the CEO of Goldman Sachs Lloyd Blankfein over lunch to discuss another backdoor bailout from the gov't into the banks. As they finished lunch she asked Lloyd if he'd care to make a little wager.

CEO Blankfein's ears perked up and he asked what is the wager about.

Pelosi replied, "Well I'd make you a bet that your testicles are, in fact, made of gold since you are the leader of Goldman Sachs."

He shakes his head and laughs and she continues on:

"and to show I'm serious I'm willing to pay you $50 million dollars if I'm wrong"

Blankfein breathes in sharply and pauses. A guaranteed trade is too good to pass up. Just to be sure he goes to the restroom to double check that his 'boys' are indeed made of flesh. With $50 million at stake he was taking no chances. He comes back to agree on the deal and Pelosi informs him that she will need to verify this personally with her lawyer present to ensure a 3rd party witnesses that the deal is official.

The next day at 11:45am Pelosi and her lawyer arrive at Goldman Sachs and go up to the CEO office. After arriving Blankfein agrees to do the verification in his office and will collect the money just after this. Just as his pants are down and she is checking things out everrybody hears a loud noise just outside the glass door to his office.

Blankfein is stunned to see Warren Buffett banging his forehead against the wall outside his office and asks why Warren Buffett is here and what is he doing?

Pelosi replies, "Oh I bet Warren Buffett $3 Billion dollars yesterday that I'd have the CEO of Goldman Sachs by the balls by lunchtime today"

Just made that one up based on an oldie adapted to modern times.

-Mike

2nd punchline to the above joke (meant to be silly not offensive by the way):

After that day Blankfein changed the name of the firm to Fleshman Sachs.

-Mike

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day.
One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from
Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they
did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard
said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you
guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some
measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape
measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks
like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without
so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even
measure like guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me,
$1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
---
Lawyer Humor
Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached
by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical
advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation
when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send
a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do
so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent
one to the doctor.
---
FEELING OUT OF SHAPE, I decided to ride my bicycle to the
bank. My staying power soon gave out, and I was visibly
tired and sweaty when I finally pulled up to the drive-
through window. The teller looked at my disheveled
condition. "Do you want to make a deposit or would you like
to take out a car loan?" he asked with a straight face.
---
DESPERATE BUSINESSMAN
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is
going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he
doesn't know what to do.
He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all
of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your
car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge.
Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out
and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually
the Bible will stay open at a particular page.
Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car
and drives down to the beach.
He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible.
The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page.
He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he
has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a
full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man
hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to
donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his
wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the
Bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11"
---
When John Nance Garner was vice-president of the u.s., he gave a man a 10-dollar bill in payment of a debt he owed. The man asked Garner to autograph the bill. "I am going to give it to my grandson to keep as a souvenir. "You mean, the money is not going to be spent?" questioned the vice-president. "No, my grandson is going to frame it." "In that case, I'll just write you a check." he said.
---
The old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan
application,
"
What are you going to do with the money?
"
"
Take jewellery to city and sell it
," was the response.
"
What have you got for collateral?
"
"
Don't know collateral
."
"
Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got
any vehicles?
"
"
Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup
."
The banker shook his head, "
How about livestock?
"
"
Yes, I have a horse.
"
"
How old is it?
"
"
Don't know, has no teeth.
"
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man
was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "
Here to pay
." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"
What are you going to do with the rest of that money?
"
"
Put in tepee.
"
"
Why don't you deposit it in my bank,
" he asked.
"
Don't know deposit
."
"
You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use
it you can withdraw it.
"
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "
What you got for collateral?
"
[Posted by Chuck Waterfield on the
link MicrofinancePratice
list]
-----------
Q: How does an MFI make a million dollars ?
A: Start with two million
Q: How many donors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty-seven: One to do the changing and the others to pay for the web site
Q: Why is advice so cheap?
A: Because supply always exceeds demand.
Q: What do you call a Credit Union Volunteer in a room full of Bank Directors?
A: A Superior Being!
Q: What do you get if you lay 5 village banks on their side?
A: A lateral FINCA
-----------
A consultant is someone who gets rich explaining to others why they are
poor.
-----------
An MFI accountant is having a hard time sleeping - he sees his doctor about the problem:
"
Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!
"
"
Have you tried counting sheep?
"
"
That's the problem - I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find
it!
"
-----------
link Microfinance philosophy
-----------
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
-----------
About Technical Assistance
A microentrepreneur was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand
new Pajero advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
polo shirt, khaki pants, Timberland hiking boots and a Palm Pilot leaned out of the
window and asked our shepherd:
"
If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?
"
The shepherd looks at the foreigner, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
answers "
Sure
!"
The consultant parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone,
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex
formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer,
turns around to our shepherd and says: "
You have here exactly 158 sheep!
" "
This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep
," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in
his Pajero. Then he says: "
If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?
"
"
Okay, why not?
" answers the young man.
"
You are a consultant
," says the shepherd.
"
This is correct
," says the consultant, "
How did you guess that?
"
"
Easy
" answers the shepherd. "
You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to
a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business
because you took my dog
."
-----------
There once was a man from Gabarone,
Who decided to take a small loan,
The loan was a risk,
but business was brisk,
With the profits he bought a new phone
- Stephen Peterson
-----------
Q. Who was the greatest microfinancier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little
prophet.
Q. What do economists and computers have in common ?
A. You need to punch information into both of them.
-----------
A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks
him: "
Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
"
The central banker replies: "
I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd
better cut it into eight pieces
."

You know the economy is bad when...

You get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You order a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" and you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

and you know the economy is really bad when...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

It's so cold out I saw a politician with his hand in his own pocket.

These were funny but I didn't laugh out loud....

I hope the audience is receptive! :)

I saw a bumper sticker similar to the one @carole shared. This one was on the back of a commercial truck of some kind...maybe a plumber or electrician:

Driver Carries No Cash - He's Married.

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

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