Giving Love Through Money

The following book excerpt is reprinted with permission from Emotional Currency: A Woman's Guide to Building a Healthy Relationship with Money. Copyright © 2011 by Kate Levinson, PhD, Celestial Arts, an imprint of Ten Speed Press, a division of the Crown Publishing Group, Berkeley, CA.

Giving and receiving money can bring intense pleasure as well as strengthen the love between family members. It is an expression of an elemental wish to be of help, a desire that arises from caring. As women, we are often concerned for the happiness and needs of others, and we give whenever we are able. Most of us know the feeling of gratification that comes from giving, either to celebrate an occasion, to help someone in need, or to share what we have.

Giving money can be beneficial, benefiting both the recipient and the giver—though sometimes, it may not feel 100 percent good. Linda described how challenging it was after her husband lost his job and she was the sole provider:

Those two years took a toll on me. Money worries are one of the most stressful things. We still lived better than most people in the world do, but you compare yourself to how you used to live. I’ve always worked full time and when we both were working, we didn’t live extravagantly. But I had a horse—horses are money pits—and we traveled. It was very hard to sell my horse and to not take any time off. I had to pick up extra work. We’d always kept our money separate, and now I had to make my income and savings work for both of us. I grew up spoiled, and so it wasn’t a pretty side of me when I couldn’t be my spoiled self anymore.

In order to support my husband, whom I loved very dearly, I needed to look at my dream of how I thought my life should be and question my expectations. We learned that having money worries didn’t make us different people or love each other any less at the end of the day. We discovered that we can get through bad times, including my anger and my husband’s depression. And we’re stronger now as a couple. Some of our new strength came out of my being able to support us financially for those two years, and his being able to receive the support.

Giving money can also be detrimental, even when we give out of love. We can give in ways that are hurtful, financially as well as emotionally, to ourselves and others. Sometimes the sacrifices we make are too large. We can be overly possessive—using money to control and keep our children and others tied to us. We can be overprotective—using money to keep our children and others from struggling with hardships and decisions that could bring them experiences and learning.

Rose gave money to her son every time he asked for almost forty years. After she developed dementia, though she might not recognize her grandchildren or friends, the minute she saw her son she went to look for her checkbook. Even through the fog of her dementia, she remembered his need for money and her need to give it to him. Rose actually ended up having enough money to live out her life, but it cost her in other ways. Before her dementia, though she never stopped giving to him, she was angry that her son contacted her only when he needed money. Additionally, Rose’s giving so much attention to her son, always worrying about him and giving him money, made her daughter feel less loved in comparison. This was hurtful to her daughter, and though she remained devoted to Rose, over the years it took its toll on her love for her mother. And when Rose died, there was little money left for the family. The son, who had become dependent on the handouts, was left high and dry.

Many mothers, my own included, cannot stop giving reflexively—sometimes even when they want to. Roberta had raised her daughter as a single mother, and when her own daughter had children, Roberta wanted to help so her grandkids wouldn’t go without. A pattern was established of giving her daughter money—not only cash but also car insurance, cell phone coverage, and so on. This went on for sixteen years. Roberta told the Emotional Currency group, “I thought it was just a phenomenon in the black community, but I spoke to a white lawyer who’s supporting her daughter. And it’s not just women; there’s a Bank of Daddy as well.”

Many mothers have difficulty saying no. But Roberta was eventually able to:

I closed the Bank of Mama. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. Money was wreaking havoc on our relationship; it was so unhealthy. I realized that I wasn’t going to have enough to take care of myself when I got older. I’d been harping on her to get her own insurance and phone, but she never did it. When I closed the Bank of Mama, she took care of business.

The first several months afterward things were very testy. But my daughter is not only taking care of business, she’s checking in with me more, and there’s a new freedom between us. With money involved, there were certain things I had to know, things I didn’t want to know.

Roberta had to separate money from love in order to do what was best for both her and her daughter, and, therefore, the most loving thing she could do. Luckily it brought them closer, but there was no guarantee it would turn out that way.

Increasingly, adult children are being called on to help their parents financially. This can feel like an opportunity to lovingly return the care they received from the parents growing up. Sammie sends her elderly mother a monthly check, which gives her mother enough extra income to turn the heat on when she gets cold without worry about the fuel bill or to go out to eat occasionally when she might otherwise skip a meal. These checks give Sammie a chance to directly express her love for her mother and give her mother an opportunity to feel well-loved. Sammie feels fortunate to have the means to express her love in this way.

Ask yourself:

How do you use money to express your love through taking care of others?

Comments

[jodi]

I got cut off when I was younger also, and it brought us as a family a lot closer eventually!

[Tato]

Increasingly, adult children are being called on to help their parents financially.

We have been called on to assist my in-laws, and it has been very challenging to our family. We have not given anything of yet, and we are still trying to determine what the expectations are for assistance (I should point out that they are currently leaving with another child, so it's not like they are on the streeets). The communication has been lacking, and that is very frustrating. My questions are - How should we priortize assistance to them within our goals? We are still working on a short term safety net (3-6 months liquidity) and still do not fully fund our retirement plans, let alone funding any education plans for our children. I have been looking at the Ramsey's 7 baby steps as a frame work. At what point in those steps, if any, do you think I have an obligation to assist?

[FMF]

Tato --

That's a tough question -- and will need some more details to give you a good answer. If you want a lot of feedback, I suggest you write up the situation with more details, then send to me as a "help a reader" question. You can find specifics here:

http://www.freemoneyfinance.com/2010/02/how-to-submit-a-help-a-reader-question.html

[Tato]

FMF - I hadn't considered submitting this as a help a reader question. I believe parts of this issue has come up in some previous posts, but I would like to hear peoples views.

Thanks.

[mysticaltyger]

Thanks for this post, FMF. It really shows how money issues are usually emotional ones at their core.

[EM]

For my mom, giving gifts definitely equals love. We repeatedly ask her not to give us (my husband, myself, my children) expensive gifts and she says, "Why do you always tell me not to give you gifts when it brings me JOY?" Unfortunately, too often they are things we don't want or need. We insist she return gifts as often as possible, but sometimes we just have to accept them because her feelings get so hurt. I have siblings with children, and she does the same with them though I don't think they refuse gifts the way we do.

The worst part is that in recent years, she has had to borrow several thousand dollars from us at tax time. She pays it back eventually, but if she weren't spending so much on gifts, I think she would have the money to pay her taxes. (I finally got smart last year and talked her into letting me do the paperwork to adjust her withholding. She was mad at me when she initially saw the decrease in her net income each month, but I think she was glad at tax time when she saw that she was getting a refund this year.)

[KMI]

When my dad died, income from a small trust passed from him to me and my sister. (The terms of the trust set up 60 years ago governed the inheritance). Mom had an old, slow internet connection that kept her from doing many of the things she liked to do online, and she couldn't see a way to swing the increased charges for a better connection. I talked it over with my husband and we decided to use money from the trust to pay for a better internet connection for her. She protested, but we explained that this was money from Dad to start with, and we felt that he would approve of us using it to provide something she enjoys. In this case, this was a positive way to use money to show love - both from Dad, and from us.