Here's an email I recently received from a reader:
A close female friend to our family (to point of being our child's guardian) is a level-headed, sensible, focused MBA. She is 38, single, has no kids, and is still looking for "Mr. Right".
The dating scene is focused on glitz and not substance, and this lady is substance -- but still cute to boot (I realize this statement contradicts itself, but people are people). Her parents have been married for over 40 years, practical "millionaire next door type" father, and a devoted and smart mother. She is busy in her career but not too busy for the right person. So, the issue is, "Where do you and your readers think the best place is in this current day and age to meet a practical person, someone with their financial and life goals in focus and on an upward trajectory?"
As marriage and divorce are IMMENSE financial issues along with emotional issues, meeting the right person (rich, in the middle, or poor) with the right mindset for life growth is an imperative for financial AND emotional happiness. So, any ideas? Does Dave Ramsey have a "singles group":)?
What are your suggestions?
This is an interesting question. I think you need to start with similar interests and weed out from there. You can find the best budgeter in the universe but if you hold no interests outside of that than you may find a short lived relationship. Find a gathering of a group of people with similar hobbies(that are free or not costly) and you should find some people there that may interest you.
Posted by: Adam Hathaway | October 08, 2012 at 08:38 AM
Are you certain that she is "looking"? There are many of us single people not interested in dating/mating/procreating. I have people try to "fix" me, insisting that my life is incomplete without a husband.
Posted by: Jessica | October 08, 2012 at 09:12 AM
I agree with Jessica, there are lot of people out there who are in the new selfish mindset who do not think anyone is worthy of their company. They think they are so unique and different that others are not good enough to be with them. I see this with a lot of people who cannot get someone good enough so they drop out of the market.
I think this is the result of all of the guys out there that are mentally immature due to being babied their entire life. It is a sign our society is so selfish that we have stopped caring about future generations.
Posted by: Brent | October 08, 2012 at 09:22 AM
I don't think I'm selfish for NOT wanting to be married. I have a lot of interests and a lot of friends. Every time I dated someone, I felt smothered. I wasn't allowed to have my own interests - everything had to be shared with or approved by him. The expectation that ONE person can solve all the problems with another is unfair to both.
Posted by: Jessica | October 08, 2012 at 09:48 AM
I am not sure who you have dated but you need to broaden your horizons. I do not know anyone in a (healthy) relationship that doesn't get to have self interests or need approval from the significant other.
My point is that my generation and younger are growing up thinking that we deserve everything yet most are too lazy to work at/for it. A lot of my peers think they are the center of the universe and see a baby/significant other as taking away from their 'me' time and shouldn't be bothered with it.
I think a lot of people like this are going to wake up one day when they are 40+ and wonder why they feel so empty and alone.
Posted by: Brent | October 08, 2012 at 10:09 AM
Whats her number?
Posted by: Chev248 | October 08, 2012 at 10:30 AM
Agree with Jessica. There are many single people who are happy with their life without having to have someone special to share their life with.
It's a matter of having a fulfilling life filled with varied interests to occupy one's time.
It isn't for everyone, just as marriage and parenthood isn't for everyone. People should feel free to choose what they prefer. It isn't one size for all. If the lady in question wants to find someone, then she should fine someone. And I hope she does.
And, Brent, I am in my 40s and don't feel empty or alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I like my life just the way it is. Again, it isn't one size fits all. Each person should do what they feel right for them.
Posted by: Pam | October 08, 2012 at 10:59 AM
My daughter, aged 46 at the time, found her ideal mate 4 years ago on eHarmony.com on her second date. They both have adult children. She had been married for 18 years but they were unsuited from the beginning and divorced after the untimely death of her 8 year old daughter, the glue that was holding the marriage together.
I talked to her and her new boyfriend about the eHarmony process and this is what they had to say.
1) When you write your profile be totally truthful and describe exactly and in great detail who you are, not who you wish you were.
2) Your pictures should be full length and reflect exactly the way you look today, not years ago when you weighed a lot less or looked far more attractive. It's also not advisable to use obvious studio portraits that show your best features and hide your worst ones.
If you don't follow these two points you are fooling yourself as well as wasting your time and your money. The advantage of this particular site is that they use some very sophisticated computer algorithms in the matching process.
My daughter is receiving substantial alimony for 9 years that would cease upon marriage. She is half way through the 9 years, plans to marry when it's over, and is the happiest she has ever been.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 08, 2012 at 11:01 AM
@Brent
I am the center of my universe and see a baby/significant other as taking away from my 'me' time and shouldn't be bothered with it right now.
When I wake up one day when I am 40+ and wonder why I feel so empty and alone, that will be my problem.
My point is, not everyone settles at the same time, some of us choose to settle later rather than sooner. Blaming the person and calling them lazy is a helluva claim to make in my opinion.
But to get back on topic I agree that internet dating sites may be a good way to go about looking for the right person.
Posted by: JayB | October 08, 2012 at 11:25 AM
Whew, am I glad I'm married. I would try online dating. I never had a chance to do that when I was single. :)
Posted by: retirebyforty | October 08, 2012 at 11:47 AM
Brent, for someone advising a total stranger on the internet to broaden her horizons, you've fallen well short of your own advice. Every person and every relationship is different; some people are happier single, some people are happier without kids. There only thing new about this is that more people are deciding what's best for themselves, which may mean waiting for a good match or just eschewing the entire thing. Family and friends pressuring those folks to get married and/or to have children is likely to result in bad marriages and bad parents. If you broadened your own horizons, met peers that weren't lazy and selfish, maybe you'd see this for yourself.
Also, calling happy single/childless people selfish is beyond me -- if anything, these choices are the least selfish. I say this as a young and happily married person who wants kids.
To the reader question: I wish we knew where this woman lived. Some places are better for singles meeting people than others. I lived in DC for years and can say this woman would have to beat successful, career-driven single guys off with a stick.
Posted by: futchica | October 08, 2012 at 11:54 AM
I recommend online dating also. It's a great place for busy people who are sincerely 'looking' for the right one. You can usually weed out the obvious mismatches from a few emails and phone calls. Then she can start with a coffee date where it's relatively short. I know several smart professional people who have met through online dating and are now very happily married.
Posted by: MySavingStyle | October 08, 2012 at 11:57 AM
I also recommend online dating. Sites like eHarmony do a fairly good job matching people based on personality traits.
But you should be aware it can take a while to find 'Mr Right' online too, give it a while and stick with it. But online dating is a LOT more efficient.
Posted by: Jim | October 08, 2012 at 12:32 PM
I'd like to know too. I'm 41, single, no kids, and haven't had any luck finding anyone either. At church, all the men my age are already married (and I'm no cougar).
I've tried eHarmony, Match.com, OkCupid, and ChristianMingle with no success.
I wonder if it is a "looks" thing. Men seem so shallow, and fixated on women who are beautiful, have long blonde hair and have large..."assets" and most seem to ignore any "inner beauty".
If your friend is beautiful in the looks department, she'll have no trouble finding a guy online. If she's average or below-average, the search may not be so easy.
Posted by: BD | October 08, 2012 at 12:48 PM
I'm still relatively young (31) but my observation is that any woman who wants to get married has no problem actively finding someone provided they meet the following criteria:
1. Actively searching and dating. If you haven't even attempted to go out and date, you have no chance of getting married. Sorry, nowadays guys are not always going to walk up and ask you on a date. There are very few "old-fashioned" guys out there that will pursue a woman. Plus, so many woman are persistent and have no problem asking a guy. If you can't ask a guy out, maybe you need to learn how to.
2. Live in an area where there is a wide variety of men. If you live in a small town and no guy there is worthy, maybe you should move to a larger city. If you are unwilling to do that, consider lowering your standards.
3. Have realistic standards. Find someone who is on target with your finances of coures, but maybe you'll have to give up a few other "wishlist" items, like has a full head of hair, is tall, has a nice fit body, drives a nice car, etc.
4. Take care of your health. If you are 38 and 50lbs overweight and don't exercise, your choices are going to be more limited than someone who is in shape. Sorry, most guys are visual creatures and they want someone who is relatively pleasing to the eye. That may sound bad, but it's how God made us.
Posted by: Noah | October 08, 2012 at 01:21 PM
Check out MeetUp.com. It is not a dating site. It is a site for people that have the same interest to meet up.. I am in a Kayaking group. My sister is in a Spanish speaking group. There is a group for all kinds of different stuff. This will just open up the people you can meet. You might find love or you might just meet a bunch of great people to have a good time with. Or you might meet someone that will introduce you to someone...Sort of like networking. I think mostly it's about meeting people and being active. You gotto be out there.
Posted by: billyjobob | October 08, 2012 at 02:25 PM
As a young (mid-twenties) and single male, I'm also pretty interested in figuring out how to increase my chances of meeting a great potential SO.
If you are meeting people socially doing things you really like and keep up those relations, I feel that eventually something will come up.
I think online dating for people my age is great if your main interests make it hard for you to meet people socially (you like to stay home a lot).
My advice to women is pretty simple: if you meet a guy you like (or see a guy across the room), give him a smile if you make eye contact and see if he smiles back. Add in a little wave on a subsequent eye contact and see if he is still receptive. At that point if the guy is single and interested, he should have the confidence to come talk to you.
Posted by: bryanwb | October 08, 2012 at 04:59 PM
After reading the other postings I would like to follow up on my prior post where I talked about my daughter's success on eHarmony. I went on a nice 8 mile hike with her today in the hills above Silicon Valley so we had plenty of time to talk about her boyfriend. They were both coming out of unhappy marriages and I feel were both very lucky to find each other so quickly. She feels that he is the most handsome and nicest guy she has ever met, and as a man I can fully understand why, but he is also a great father to his 3 children, very friendly, and a very high income engineer with a BS in Computer Science and an MBA. My daughter's greatest quality is her personality but she is also tall, slim, pretty, and with a good figure.
The bottom line is that in online dating "Looks matter a lot", it's the primary thing people have to go on until they arrange a meeting, and without it the meeting has a very low probability of ever taking place and the "inner beauty" that many people possess cannot be seen in a profile or a photograph.
I agree with Noah, overweight women would be a turnoff for me, and the same thing probably holds for most women.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 08, 2012 at 08:25 PM
It isn't always about weight. I am 5'7", and weigh 116 lbs. I am thin and fit. But, some things, like deformed facial features, and the weight/texture/thickness of the hair on our heads can't be fixed without thousands of dollars (which I do not have).
Posted by: BD | October 08, 2012 at 08:44 PM
@BD
Making the decision to spend the rest of your life living with another human being is about the biggest and most important decision anyone can ever make. However America is fixated on good looks, it's obvious from just looking at all the ads you see in the media, as well as the people that are the celebrities of TV and movies.
It doesn't make it impossible for people such as yourself to find a soulmate but it greatly diminishes the number of possibilities. Maybe the best source is to be found in one of the most relevant support groups.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 08, 2012 at 09:27 PM
@BD 116lbs at 5'7" seems thin to me. What body fat percentage are you? Most guys want a girl on the thin side but not super thin. Size 0 isn't attractive to most guys unless you are very petite, like maybe 5 foot.
My guess is that you are a runner. Even if you aren't, look for a guy that is as enthusiastic about fitness as you are. Everyone has facial defects. My nose is too big and one of my ears sticks out much further than the other. The truth is that a good personality will cover up any facial defects.
Posted by: Noah | October 08, 2012 at 11:11 PM
It sounds like eHarmony is a good site. About 10 years ago I tried online dating- met a lot of people and found it was easy if you are looking to "hook up" but didn't find anyone who seemed like a long term fit.
In my case, I found my partner on the other side of the world.
I'd say being fully receptive to find a partner is the best precondition to have, it opens you up to the serendipity of finding a parter.
-Mike
Posted by: Mike Hunt | October 08, 2012 at 11:35 PM
Noah: I'm a size 6. My weight is about right for my height. My BMI is on the extreme low end of "normal". I'm not a runner... I'm just active, and fit. I don't have a "large rack" like most men love on a woman, so there is a lot of weight off right there. I am flat-chested by genetic lottery.
Facial defects on a guy are not as noticeable as on a woman. I too, have an *extremely* large nose that has a huge dent in the bridge from wearing thick glasses my whole life (I have contacts now, but the damage to the cartilage has been done and is unfixable except through plastic surgery). In addition, my teeth are too large for mouth, so I have one of the worst overbites the dentist has ever seen. I simply have too much "teeth" for my very small mouth. This means protruding teeth and a super-weak chin that practically recedes into my neck. Add to that hair loss, so I am balding on top (again, not a trait that men love in a woman, or are even willing to overlook), and I have problems.
Nothing that thousands in plastic surgery wouldn't fix, but again, I am barely surviving. My good personality means that I have a LOT of men who consider me "a great friend!!" and "Like a sister!!"
Thanks for the comments though.
Posted by: BD | October 08, 2012 at 11:36 PM
@BD- can you style and change your hair to best frame your face?
Being thin is attractive to many people, myself included.
-Mike
Posted by: Mike Hunt | October 08, 2012 at 11:36 PM
Mike: Yes, I do. I wear my hair in a short "pixie" cut. It hides the balding a bit, and it frames my face the best it can. I can't grow long hair anyway, since my hair just breaks off or drops out. Of course, this opens up another can of worms: Men generally do NOT like short hair on women (I'm basing this from all the guys saying "no short hair" and "I love long hair on women" on dating site profiles).
Posted by: BD | October 08, 2012 at 11:49 PM
@BD Do you have mostly guy friends and few girl friends? I've noticed that guys who have almost all girlfriends tend to not have luck with ladies, probably partly because the women may think he "plays for the other team". Maybe the men you hang out with think of you as "one of the guys?"
In my limited experience most guys don't care about large breasts. They would much rather have a fit lady than a fat lady with big breasts. Women as yourself also tend to look very attractive in a bathing suit which draws men like flies.
I apologize if this feels like we are all giving dating advice but you did open yourself up for it :) Honestly you sound like a great catch to me, unless there is something you are hiding, like the fact that you have $125K in student loans. I have known drop dead gorgeous women who know man would touch with a 10 ft pole because of huge student loans.
What country do you reside in? Maybe it's a cultural issue.
Posted by: Noah | October 09, 2012 at 01:03 AM
Noah: Yes, all my friends are guys. I honestly don't have any close girl friends. I've had more guy friends than girl friends my entire life.
My total debt right now is $2,890. Two thousand of that is student loans. Most people could pay off my entire debt with just one paycheck, and still have money left over for the month. My net worth is positive. I am very frugal, and do not go for the "latest fads" like many people do. I don't like diamonds, and I don't own an iPhone (and probably never will).
The only thing I'm hiding is that I am a devout Christian, and would like a Christian guy. Other than that, I'm pretty lax in the looks department. Balding and chubby can actually be cute on a guy. But, I've found that Christian men tend to be the most shallow of all, mostly because there are so many drop-dead gorgeous single Christian women wanting a guy in the church, that Christian men can afford to be totally picky.
I don't mind the dating advice and I do thank you for offering it. I do feel bad though, because I hijacked the post from FMF's friend to myself. I had only wanted to point out to her that online dating is the best bet, and that if she was gorgeous, she'd have no trouble finding a guy.
I reside in the USA, in Utah. Honestly, Utah is almost like another country. I am NOT Mormon, nor will I ever be, so that may be part of the problem. Although, when I lived in California, my luck was no better (But that was before there was Internet Dating).
Thanks for thinking I may be a catch, but remember, you did NOT see my photo yet. I've had plenty of guys show interest to me on dating sites BEFORE I put photos up. The minute I put my photos up, they would disappear. If I put the photos up first, I simply never got any responses. Also, I've had guys tell my friends that they were not interested in me *because* of my looks. This is how I know it's all about looks.
Posted by: BD | October 09, 2012 at 01:14 AM
@BD
Don't worry about FMF. I've hijacked more than one thread of his threads before. And the topic is still about a woman not being able to find a mate so this is all relevant information.
I think being in Utah is hurting your chances of finding a guy. It's not impossible but my understanding is that most of UT is Mormon and the pressure to conform is great. I would move to either a neighbor state like CO or move to a place like TN, both of which have nice guys and large Christian communities. I live in CA and Hollywood has done most girls out here a disservice.
I also thinking only having guy friends hurts your chances. When you spend all your time around guys it starts to take away from the mystery of a woman. Eventually guys think of you as one of them and their idea of dating goes right out the door.
I wish you much luck in your future endeavors and when you find a guy please come back and write a guest post for FMF so we can all tell you we told you so ;)
Posted by: Noah | October 09, 2012 at 01:57 AM
@BD
Unfortunately at 41 looks matter a whole lot because at that age you have most of your life still ahead of you and it's an age where most people are very active. That's why on-line dating isn't going to be of any help.
I'm 78 and my wife is 79 and most of our life is behind us. Obviously we don't work and we stopped our travelling after 2010 so we lead a pretty sedentary life other than the weekly hikes I have with my daughter and visiting restaurants twice/week. My wife is still very attractive and occasionally has much younger men come on to her, not realizing her age because she takes such good care of herself, visits the beauty shop every week, dresses very smartly, spends a lot on skin care, and has a really nice British accent. She no longer drives because her peripheral vision has deteriorated, has had two hip replacements, and walks quite slowly, whereas I have been very lucky in the health department.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 09, 2012 at 11:44 AM
One comment - she should focus on guys who are a good match for her interests and values, where she enjoys spending time with him. Financial compatibility is important, but it depends on what goes into that category. If it's spending/saving tendencies, being financially responsible, etc - yes. But if it's meeting someone who needs to have a certain income or net worth - I'd say those would be the wrong things.
Bottom line - focus on what's most important, and that includes limiting financial thoughts to what's truly important.
Posted by: Tie the Money Knot | October 09, 2012 at 01:59 PM
Re: A level-headed, sensible, focused MBA who is 38, single, has no kids, and cute to boot. This young lady should have no problem whatsoever in finding Mr. Right. On-line dating is made to measure for her, just as it was for my daughter.
All she has to do at eHarmony is to generate a comprehensive profile that is totally honest and to include a couple of natural looking and recent, full length, photographs and she will soon be busy attending luncheon dates. After that it's up to her.
I wish that process had been available when I met my wife in 1950. Our meeting was a random, one in a million chance, and we have hardly spent a day apart since that first chance meeting at a dance hall in England when I was 16 and she was 17. I don't even like to think about how my life would have turned out if I had never met her even though she only lived a mile away.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 09, 2012 at 02:28 PM
@Old Limey
I tend to believe that for most people there are several, perhaps dozens or hundreds of possible matches in the universe that could make you happy. Sure there might be a single person that would make you more happy than the others, but I don't believe in the idea that every person has a "single person in the universe". Old Limey, it sounds like you found yours at the perfect time. You are lucky. I think a lot of people (men and women) wait indefinitely in the hopes that they might meet (and marry) that perfect person, all the while passing people that would still bring them much happiness. I'm not saying one should "settle for someone" but that you should keep your eyes open not have standards that eliminate 99% of those of the opposite sex.
Posted by: Noah | October 09, 2012 at 02:56 PM
I think it's key to go to social outings as often as possible, and meet as many people as you can. Also, if your employer goes to an event or puts on an event, make sure you attend it. You never know who will be there, and they will likely have similar interests being in the same industry. You could also try church if you are a religious person.
Posted by: Bo Manry | October 09, 2012 at 07:31 PM
@Noah
I agree with you that there are hundreds, if not thousands of possible matches that would have made me happy. In the days when I was courting girls I can remember quite a few that I was enamoured with but they never wanted a second date. I would get feeble excuses like "I'm sorry but I have to wash my hair on Saturday evening". Likewise there were quite a few that after 2 or 3 dates I realized that it would never work.
In the case of the girl I married I had an interesting experience that will give you a chuckle. I took her to a dance one evening and another girl that I knew was there and she told me that her father had died a few days before so I danced with her more times than I should because I felt sorry for her. The girl that I had taken to the dance went off in a big huff because of my bad manners. When I got home I told my mother and thought no more about it until a couple of days later our doorbell rang and when I answered it, there she was, happy and smiling, to tell me how much she liked the beautiful flowers that I sent her. Being a gentleman I told her how glad I was to see her and that I was happy that she enjoyed my flowers. The only slight problem was that I never sent any flowers, my mother had sent them. That's when I realized my family had already decided that she was the one for me, it turned out that she really was, and our marriage has lasted over 56 years.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 09, 2012 at 08:50 PM
Old Limey --
Thank goodness for smart parents! :)
Posted by: FMF | October 09, 2012 at 08:58 PM
Old Limey,
So did you wife eventually find out that the flowers came from your mother?
Great story- by the way.
-Mike
Posted by: Mike Hunt | October 11, 2012 at 01:35 AM
Mike,
Yes she did, in fact we talked about it yesterday.
Posted by: Old Limey | October 11, 2012 at 11:45 AM
There are so many peoples who don't want online dating and has happy with their life and some peoples has a crush on online dating. Mainly its depends upon the right person that you are going to meet or you have already that right men.
Posted by: Rosey | October 15, 2012 at 07:07 AM